Post # 1
Hopefully you can help me decide!
Here is some background:
I have a friend named K who is currently working outside of the country at a hotel. We were friends and roommates my senior year of undergrad. We are friends but we are not very close and our relationship has been strained at various times. In the past year she has contacted me two times while being abroad. She is BFFs with one of my bridesmaids and another mutual friend and calls them via skype several times a week.
Yesterday she caught my Fiance on facebook chat and told him her plan: She wants to fly back to the States and surprise everyone by showing up at the wedding. She wants Fiance to put her RSVP under some fake name in his family’s guest list so it is a big surprise for me and her two BFFs. Fiance, bless his little heart, said his mental red flag went up so he told me all about the conversation. He was worried that K’s goal is more of seeing her two best friends again and having a gigantic surprise welcome back party at our wedding (there will be 20+ friends from our undergrad there), rather than being there to witness our marriage. My mother is appalled by the idea and thinks the same, especially in light of the fact that he have barely spoken this past year.
At first I was okay with the idea, but the more I think about it some red flags are coming up for me, too.
What do you all think? Am I just over-analyzing this?
Post # 3
RED FLAG here too. She’s crafty!!! What a sneak. I don’t know how to convey to her she can’t come .. but i’d do it soon!
Post # 4
I don’t think it’s malicious, but I do think it’s a ‘kill two birds with one stone’ scenario.. she’ll go to the wedding AND ‘surprise’ all her friends. Not sure what to tell you, though. :-/
Post # 5
Were you planning on inviting her?
But yeah, I definitely think it’s a chance to create a “grand moment” for herself at your wedding.
Post # 6
I’d have to nix that. Tell her to “surprise” them a few days before if she really wants. Your wedding is not the place.
Post # 7
Hmmm, okay first question, is she actually invited to the wedding, or has she heard about it via the BFFs and other friends and is taking it upon herself to come?
Secondly, I think yes, she’s likely really excited about seeing some friends. BUT I also don’t think it’s occurred to her that it may be “stealing the show” or bad etiquette. She’s likely just thinking about how fun it will be rather than thinking about the impact this will have on your wedding! I think she’s being selfish but not realizing it. SO if you’re okay with her coming (and have invited her) great, but not as a surprise. You should let her know that you’d like to tell everyone or just tell everyone and claim you didn’t know it was supposed to be a surprise 😉
Post # 8
@SapphireSun: Yes, I was planning on inviting her but I honestly didn’t expect her to come, considering she’s currently in Europe.
I’d be happy to have her there but I don’t like the idea of it being a surprise/grand entrance…
Post # 9
Yeah, I stick to what I said. Let her come, minus her surprise. That’s just silly of her to think that’s a good idea. Be like “We would love to have you, but we don’t think that that’s the day to surprise anyone.” If she won’t tell them, you can mention it. “I wonder when K’s flight is coming in?” lol
Post # 10
She may not be actively trying to steal the show but she’s doing it nonetheless! She’s trying to weasel her way into an all expense paid surprise party where she doesn’t even have to send out invites – you’ve done it all for her. Yeah, I wouldn’t fall for that mess
Post # 11
Tell everyone. It is your day, and it shouldn’t be about her. My FI’s aunt kinda did this to his uncle’s wife on their big day… she chose then to inform everyone she was pregnant!!
Post # 12
It is your wedding, she can have her own welcome home party.
Post # 13
I don’t think it should be a big surprise. She needs to come a few days before, if she’s invited, so she can hang out with friends and have her own party. It’s your wedding, so why do you want people screaming about your friend who has been gone for so long… it seems a little much. The focus needs to be on the wedding, not her. I do admit, it’s a great time for her to come, since everyone will be in the same place. I just don’t think she realizes how upsetting that could be to you.
Post # 14
I think you should invite her as planned, and tell her you look forward to seeing her, and I’d let your friends know ahead that she is coming. Could you also arrange to go out with her a night or two before the wedding? Like a girls night out…and have all her friend there, so the wedding won’t be her “surprise” place.
Post # 15
Maybe she could show up at the end of the rehersal dinner if she wants it to be a surprise. Otherwise, offer to help her “surprise” her friends at some point a few days before the wedding. With jet lag and the long trip, its unlikely that she’s getting off the plane and coming straight there. 🙂
Post # 16
red flag. red flag. red flag. crazy girl.