(Closed) A post I’ve been avoiding

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2889 posts
Sugar bee

It sounds to me like you are homesick and not in the way that you miss your parents. I also moved countries to be with my now husband and the first year in a new place was VERY challenging. I went home for the holidays and almost didn’t get on the plane to return. I thought of the life I left behind, my friends, job prospects and questioned if it was the right decision, especially when I felt like he was living the life he wanted while I had made huge changes. I was bored and also spent many days in bed and on my lap top as he had to work and I was looking for a job then training then working part time. I didn’t have friends around to meet up with and was not part of anything. I was sad and frustrated with my life many times. But there were of course good times as well. Once I started working and meeting my own freinds not just his friends I started to feel happy again.  Once I started taking back my life, I was doing better. Then I got a full time job which was the biggest improvement. Then I joined a softball team and signed up for a course at the local university. I was involved in my life again and not just sitting home in a foreign city. I was still homesick at times and determined to leave as soon as we could although having a full time job made me feel like I had a reason other than him to stay. I traveled home to my family and friends twice a year and getting back on that plane was always hard.

I recognize your story as similar to how I felt in a similar situation. I don’t think you should give up on your relationship but I think you should work on yourself. Embrace your surrondings and stick it out. Make a promise to yourself to improve your life and see how you feel in 6 months. Not everyone is happy to uproot themselves and move to a new city but if you were previously living in a foreign country, it sounds like this is not your problem. If you can not find a job, join a club or volunteer in your community. Just give yourself a reason to leave the house at least 4 times a week and meet new people who have things in common with you. Talk to your husband if you are still struggling, you say he is emotionally supportive, I’m sure he would want to help you through what you are going through if he could begin to understand how you feel. I’m not sure he could understand it though if he’s never been in a similar situation. But if you can’t feel better, talk to him about making changes together.

Finally, are you on birth control? I know this sounds odd but sometimes hormonal birth control can have side effects similar to what you describe.

ETA: I should tell you, I have now been living in this foreign country for just over 4 years and it gets much better. I still love visiting my friends and family but have my own friends locally and have embraced this lifestyle.

Post # 4
Member
425 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I’m so sorry you are suffering. I left my home country for my fiance’s job; we now live halfway across the world and I have only been home once in the past year and a half.

I am very career-oriented and had a difficult time quitting a very impressive, challenging job that I didn’t expect to have for another five or so years further in my career. Quitting it for unemployment was a very difficult blow to my self-esteem. 

Not to mention that moving in together is really, really different than dating. I imagine that marriage too is different from living together. It brings with it a new landscape you have to navigate, and changes the relationship fundamentally. Not that this is a bad thing, but it’s hard and different. 

What was invaluable for me was finding ways to make my time meaningful. I derive a lot of self-worth from my career and professional development and I really needed that. I sought endlessly contract work in my field I could do from home, I took intensive language classes three times a week, I started tutoring two students after school twice a week, and did a few hours of volunteering. I took scheduled yoga classes and scheduled at least one weekly lunch or walk with a friend. I cooked a LOT when I wasn’t working and learned it’s okay to have some down time. Having a schedule, staying busy, interacting with other people, keeping my mind sharp, and having a sense of purpose to my day was critical. 

I know that when I DIDN’T have this sense of purpose I took it out on my relationship. I felt distant and alone, pinned down by someone and unable to reach my potential. This wasn’t my fiance’s fault- we decided together I would move with him. But talking about it with him helped. I have made it very clear I need to have purpose to my career and he understands that. Our next move will still be for his job, but it will be to a place where I can get my graduate degree. 

I don’t know if you relate to any of this, I just want to share my experience to say you’re not alone. I too went home to visit family last year and talked a lot on the phone with my fiance about staying in the US to work (i.e. not get back on the plane). I ended up coming back, and I”m glad I did. Our relationship is stronger than ever and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process. 

xo

Post # 6
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

What you are going through is very common for many women who leave behind their lives for their SO in a different country. Please keep in mind 6 months is really not that long to adjust to a different way of life, cut yourself some slack. 

I’ve written about this before…but to summarize…I left my family to be with my SO in a new country where I did not know the language. The first 6 months were VERY hard. I did take it out on my (now FI) more than I should have, and he finally told me to stop. I got to a point where I realized I needed to make more of an effort to learn the language, meet people, join a gym/yoga, take up hobbies improve my education to find a job, and then find a job etc. I got bored of being bored and living in my own pity party. I tell people that while I came to France for my Fiance, I’m not staying just for him – I have my own life outside of our relationship, and that is so, so important. It’s not something that is easy to do – speaking like a 5 year old when I was a full grown adult was a hard pill to swallow at the time. You have to be a fighter, and force yourself out of bed and outside your comfort zone, even when you really don’t want to. 

Your Darling Husband needs to be supportive and help you find your place, but he can’t do everything for you – you’ll need to do most of the work yourself. I promise once you feel more comfortable with yourself in your new life, your relationship will improve. It gets better with time and effort. 

If you want to PM about anything you can. Also this blog has been helpful for me as a resource: http://www.expatwomen.com/

 

Post # 7
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@indiblue: ….I cooked a lot as well. Now I’m very proud when I cook for French people, they are shocked how good it is considering I’m American :-p 

Post # 8
Member
13248 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds like you have a huge adjustment and it’s harder to make than you expected.  You’re fortunate to have such a great husband who is emotionally available and understands that you’re hurting.  Have you thought about attending counseling to talk to an objective person about your trouble adjusting?  S/he could really help in getting through any of these “blockages” that are tripping you up.

If it’s really just boredom, try volunteering in activities that interest you, take some classes, get involved somehow!  Do something to keep you busy and help you meet new people in this town.

Good luck!

Post # 9
Member
1317 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@CurlyWurly: I think you’re going through some major adjustments and it’s only normal to feel discontent and lost. I also moved to new country where I know no one but DH’s family — and the country itself works rather slowly … it’s takes many months to actually get into their system and in the meanwhile, you’re forced to wait — as in I couldn’t even get a bank account for myself, get an ID, nevermind seek employment.

I remember my first few months here and back then, I wasn’t too happy. Couples all around the world stuggle with the motions of getting used to living with each other, couple that with leaving all you know, having no friends, being in a different timezone, and the culture clash and it’s overwhelming. And we weren’t evevn married back then, I can’t imagine how it would that would have been! That quadruples the adjustment and stress that’s brought onto you and the relationship.

Narrow down exactly what it is that’s you’re unhappy about or what things aren’t what you expected. I’ve seen a lot of passing foreigners that end up harboring resentment for their SO because they were unhappy – on the flip-side, your SO needs to understand exactly what you gave up for you to be together.

My advice is don’t be too hard on yourself. Find someone to talk to. Don’t keep it all in! I think you need to ask yourself if you’re happy. If not, why? Back then, my expectations before moving turned out to be very different to the reality. But the good thing is it got better! Now we couldn’t be happier!

It just needs a lot of open communication and work — but your SO has to know how you feel or he will never know. It might even take some time before he truly understands, that’s Ok, the important thing is to open up communication.

Feel free to PM me if you want.

HUGS!

Post # 10
Member
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Your post makes sense.  You’re having trouble adjusting.  Right off the top of my head I’d say go to work ASAP!  If finding a job or the right job is a problem then volunteer.  It seems you need purpose, a reason to get out of bed each day, an identity.  (and so would I)  You’ve been there six months.  Have you not made any friends yet?  Join a club/league.  Take a class.  Do something/anything that gets you out of the house doing something for you and gives you something to look forward to.  That is what I think should be your first start.  

Post # 11
Member
2493 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@CurlyWurly: I know you don’t think it sounds like depression, but low sex drive, blocked motions, listlessness, numbness and staying in bed until later are ALL classic signs. As a person who suffered from severe depression for years, I can tell you that you don’t need to take pills to fix things– I never did. I do recommend going to therapy though. When I was younger I got to the point where I was so numb all the time I started doing stupid things to try and feel ANYTHING. It was at that point I sought out therapy to help me deal with things.

Please find someone to help you work through these things before it gets worse.

Post # 12
Member
23 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I agree with the other bees.  It might be a great idea to join a gym or take part in some sort of exercise class in the meantime – as well as the potential to meeting new friends, it will also release endorphins which will make you feel a bit happier 🙂 

It would be a good start.

Post # 13
Member
5885 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Time to quit focusing on Darling Husband and the relationship. It’s not the problem. You just are in so much pain (and being numb is just one way the mind helps deal with the pain) and you are grasping at straws–maybe if I change to a different man I will feel better.

Resolve to do one thing a day differently and one thing a week to reach out and meet people. (Once you feel better, you can increase that to 2-3 times a week). Find a temp agency or volunteer at an animal shelter or even suggest a wedding bee meet up for your area. Anything to get yourself out of the house. 

This will get better, it just wont get better while you are sitting at your house.

Post # 14
Member
2401 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know you say it doesn’t sound like depression, but I wish you’d look in to it. Not all cases require medication. In fact, I was diagnosed clinically depressed about 10 years ago, but have yet to take a perscription for it. I’ve fought back with exercise, eating better, and sun light therapy for the winter months.

I say this, even though you disagree, because it really echoes what I feel off and on during the year. There are days when I often feel like nothing is right, that this isn’t my life, and that getting up isn’t worth it. This blog (not mine) post is the BEST thing I’ve ever read. http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html

I cannot suggest getting to a counselor. Even if it is just homesickness or general longing to be home, it wont go away if you do not get to the source of it. The suggestions everyone else made are wonderful, but I have a feeling that if you are not ready to get out there, then it could be a bigger thing.

Sending hugs…

 

Post # 15
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

I can definitely empathize with you.

I recently got married and moved to a new country where I know nobody. 

I am going through phases like yours (sleeping in really late, sitting on the couch all day watching TV, etc). 

Do you have a hobby you loved where you were before? I am a horseback rider so I’ve been working on finding a barn to ride at. 

I have also tried to “plan” one day a week (at least) and go to a museum or a movie or just a long walk.

I have been cooking harder recipes as well and trying to at least go to the grocery store daily to get out of the house.

One thing that was suggested to me by the bees when I was feeling lost is to get up and dressed when your husband gets up. Maybe cook you both breakfast or just have a cup of coffee with him. Then leave when he leaves a few times a week. Go to the grocery store or head to a local museum. 

If his schedule permits maybe meet him for lunch so you can again have a reason to get out of the house. 

I know it is really hard. I am right there with you but you can do this. 

There will be good days and bad days. Your life has been totally changed. I understand that. 

The biggest thing is as much as you don’t want to just leave the house. Even if it is for a 5 minute walk. The days I go outside I usually feel so much better than the days I don’t leave the house.

 

Post # 16
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@CurlyWurly:

I felt incredibly upset reading your post. I really feel, like a PP suggested, that you’re numbing yourself against how difficult you’re finding your situation. Moving countries is incredibly difficult. Years ago I was engaged to someone and I was supposed to be moving continents to be with him….I couldn’t do it. My family were too important to me and the pressure to do it put too much strain on our relationship. What you have though, that we eventually didnt, is love for each other and you need to remember how much you do love each other.

The reason you’re looking on FB at other men is because it takes you away from your current reality which you’re clearly unhappy in. What I would say is that to have moved country means you’re a strong woman. Your situation will only be what you make it and that means accepting that at the moment, you’re unhappy and looking at positive ways to improve it. With very little to do, it’s so easy to lose sight of who you are. Talk to your husband about how you’re feeling. Tell him exactly how you’re feeling. It’s natural that you’re struggling but you have to focus on what you need to do improve the way you feel. You do have feelings….let them out a bit xx

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