(Closed) A post I’ve been avoiding

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 18
Member
1474 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)

I can empathize with a lot of this. Almost immediately after the wedding (two days!), I moved to a completely new city to be with my husband. I don’t have a ton of friends here, and I haven’t found full-time work in my area yet. He, on the other hand, is thriving as a first-year law student, keeping busy with tons of coursework, and has a great network of friends built into his program.

It’s very tough because I’m at home alone most of the time trying to fill my day, and I haven’t been able to do a very good job these first few months. I think I took for granted how easy it would be to find a job, and I’ve gotten kind of listless. Now that I’ve come to terms with how difficult this adjustment is, and how poorly I’ve handled it in a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to be much more proactive. I’ve changed gears job-search wise, and that’s helping. I’m spending more time building friendships and getting out of the house. I’m taking on projects and exploring other passions with my free time. Heck, I even signed up for an online class through a local community college so that I can develop my web design skills!

I think the point is that, for your situation, your feelings are totally normal. I’d talk to your husband about everything that you’re experiencing, and then I think you should try to find ways to get yourself going again. I know what it’s like to not get out of bed until really late because there’s no reason not to. So give yourself a reason! Make a point to get up, exercise, shower, and be productive each day! It’s hard, no doubt. But when those things don’t come naturally, we have to try to fill the day ourselves. And I think if you start doing that, you’re going to feel a lot better about where you are. You probably won’t feel like you’re just coming along for a ride on your husband’s adventure. You’ll have your own life in your new country, and that’s really important.

I also think that if you are suffering from depression, you don’t necessarily need to take pills. Talking to someone may be more productive. I suffered from severe depression and anxiety (and a host of other things as a result of that) in grad school, and I never took any medication. I just worked closely with a counselor, which helped a lot. She said that we could explore medication, but we didn’t have to. I wasn’t entirely comfortable with that option, so we just worked on therapy, and I saw a lot of improvement, so I didn’t pursue medication.

Post # 20
Member
2699 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

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@CurlyWurly:

I’d start by planning little things to look forward to. Can you start looking at having a family member come to visit? Can you plan your next trip home?

You need to force yourself to do little things everyday. Make a plan of some things to do and stick to it. I’d also seriously look at meeting people in any way at all. Does your husband have a job where he can take you out with colleagues and their wives? Does your husband’s family have anyone that you can do some things with? What were your previous hobbies and can you start them where you are now?

Maybe pick up a pen and write down the things you used to do…job, hobbies, things with friends/family. Then work out a way to re intergrate those things into your life. Looking for a job, even if it’s not your dream job, immediately gives you a project and the chance to meet new people and I genuinely think that would help. Also, can you skype / messenger your family…..maybe reconnecting with them a bit will help you feel less alone. I know being away from them is hard and sometimes distancing yourself seems easier but everyone needs family in some form.

Also, keep writing on here. Sometimes even when what we write doesn’t make sense, having an outlet helps us work out what we are feeling, if not why.

Post # 23
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@CurlyWurly: It’s interesting that you are so hesitant to admit that it sounds like depression… because it really, really sounds like depression.  Please, go get yourself a full physical and a depression screening, and then a good therapist.

Post # 24
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Take very small baby steps. Don’t get overwhelmed with trying to fix it all at once. That’s why I said do one thing a day differently– take a shower and go for a walk one day, call an animal shelter or food bank to see about volunteering another day (not saying you have to make the decision to do it or not, just find out about the process), meet your DH for lunch the next day. Pick something that is slightly outside of your comfort zone, but not so far out you shut down. 

Don’t focus on what you think you should be feeling and get out of your head. Talk or write about what you are feeling, then let it go. Start focusing on doing things, even little thing to move your forward.

Post # 26
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Dont worry so much about labels. I had major depression that left me unable to work for several years. I couldn’t even take a shower everyday–like I was bathing once a month–it was baaaaad. But I was untreated for a long time because everyone kept asking me if I was sad. And I never felt sad, well when my cat died I was sad, but I didn’t have that sad feeling alll the time that is sterotypic of depression (think of whinne the pooh’s friend Eeyore). 

Turns out I had Atypical Depression, but it left me unable to function. I had to get medication but I was really, really bad. But on top of the medication, I started to do something. For me it was coloring. I couldn’t bathe everyday, but I could color in a coloring book. Some days it took all my effort to do that and I had to take a nap afterwards, but everyday I colored in that damn coloring book. It took me several years, but that tiny step of coloring in a coloring book saved my life.

So I speak from experience, you can do this. In the beginning it won’t be easy, but take tiny step and move forward. The next step will be a little easier. Don’t be discouraged if you take a few steps back sometimes–be kind to yourself. Just refocus and start moving forward again.

Post # 27
Member
1820 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

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@CurlyWurly: You may not be depressed, and I agree with MRSVA that you should not worry about labels, but I don’t see any harm in getting yourself to a doctor.  That’s easier than breaking up your marriage…

Plus, one of the number one symptoms of depression is being uninterested in things you used to care about.

Post # 28
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I completly agree with

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@Au Jardin:  I also moved to a new contry to be with Fiance and really took it out on him, still do.  It really sucks that iSO has all his family and friends and knows the language and well you have nothing.  It blows.  Things have gotten better after about 1.5 years of living here after I made a group of friends and found a job but honestly I’d not have married him if he didn’t promis to leave casue I still don’t want to stay here.  It’s too much give and not enough take on my part.  So we are wading through lots of immigration and it seems like we’ll be able to get out of here in just under a year. 

Anyway, probably not what you wanted to hear.  I guess try to figure out what you want.

Post # 29
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

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@Atalanta: Yeah, at some point I do want to go back, even if it’s just for a few years. I think I’d have a problem if I knew I could never leave, even though for the most part I’m happy with the general lifestyle. I want to be closer to my family again, and have things be easier…plus I think it would be a good experience for Fiance to live in the US for a few years. I just took a job where I’ll be forced to speak French all the time, whereas before it was professional Franglish…. I’m terrified, but I think it will make me stronger….

View original reply
@CurlyWurly: I’ve suffered from depression as well, it’s something that runs in my family. The two worst moments for me was when I had to adjust to living in the country for the first few months, and when my dad almost died and I was an ocean away. I let myself spiral out to the point I couldn’t handle it and was dealing with it in an unhealthy way. I found a therapist, and saw her on a regular basis until I felt better and could handle things on my own. Even now I probably check in with her every few months when things get overwhelming, it’s nice to have that option when I need it (she is an expat too, so she has been helpful…if you shop around you may find someone similar). Forget the labels, and do what you need to do to get your spark back. If you feel like you can’t do it on your own, let someone else help you. I’d make an appointment, I think it would be a good outlet for you…From your writing, I think you need to have your perspective checked – you may need help realizing you are not alone, helpless, the only one who isn’t exactly where they want to be. It’s not too late to change how things are going. I’m not a therapist, but if it is depression (and most people who haven’t been depressed don’t know what it feels like), the good thing is it is curable and you will feel like yourself again.

Please keep us posted. You have at least one fans now who wants you to feel better 🙂 

 

Post # 31
Member
4766 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@CurlyWurly: Where are you living, if you don’t mind me asking?

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