(Closed) A post I’ve been avoiding

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
2441 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

How to get started you ask?  Step one – join something.  a club, a class, volunteer etc. like I previously suggested.  You’re probably less likely to start friendships with strangers at a coffee shop.  However, if you see the same people every time you go to a club meeting, class, volunteer organization etc. friendships and opportunities for friendships/activities are more likely to happen.  A classmate may invite you to a party.  You may strike up a conversation with a fellow clubmember and find out you have a hobby in common.  A fellow volunteer worker may take a coffe break with you.  Put yourself in a situation where this type of thing can happen.  You don’t have to join alll of those things at once.  Just pick one and do that for a while.  Add more if you want to later.  Make yourself belong to one activity/organization to get started.  BTW, I’m not against you joining a gym as pp’s suggested but I don’t think that is the type of environment where you can build friendships – though of course it is great for exercise!

Post # 33
Member
505 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@CurlyWurly:

I can’t speak to the depression side of it but here are steps that helped me stay focused and busy:

– Get out of bed when you husband does, or shortly after. Be dressed by the time he leaves. The day has started!

– Have a scheduled lunch. Every day, the same time. 

– Make a commitment to have at least one lunch date or walking in the park date with a friend. Email someone on Monday or Tuesday, set the date/time, so that you don’t procrastinate and end up not doing it. 

– Make a to-do list every day. It can involve house cleaning, cooking, writing emails to friends back home, sending our resumes, or blogging. It doesn’t matter what’s on it, just make it. Check it off throughout the day so you look back and not only feel like you’ve accomplished something but HAVE accomplished something. 

– Find some sort of activity to do EVERY DAY, whether it’s a 10 minute walk outside or even vacuuming the whole house for two hours. Chances are you’ll want to do more. Movement- not necessarily structured time at the gym- but movement is so important for seratonin and endorphine levels. 

– If you want to work, think outside the box regarding what you can do. Telecommuting, editing, online freelance work. I haven’t worked in an office job in the two years I’ve been overseas, but I have held 3 consulting positions in my field through networking, getting in touch with my old organization, and applying to jobs and later asking if I can telecommute. 

– You don’t have to work to feel productive. Your “job” could be learning how to sew, learning a new language, or volunteering. Anything that advances your skills and uses your brain can help you feel productive and improve your sense of self worth. 

– If you stay at home most of the day, open windows and back porch doors. Natural light is an incredible mood lifter. 

– Learn that it’s okay to be alone sometimes… or a lot of time. 

– Have some unstructured relaxed time. Maybe you want to “work” (whether that means cook/clean/tutor/work/exercise) from 9-1:30 PM, have lunch from 1:30-2, “work again from 2-4, and then have 4-6 until your husband comes home be “you” time. That’s the time you get to just watch tv, surf the internet, and just chill. Lazy time is great, but keep it to a specific time period during the day so you encourage yourself to do other things. I recommend the late afternoon; if you start at 1 PM you’re more likely to spend the rest of the day lazing instead of doing things. Plus it gives you something to look forward to.

Just some thoughts. Hope this helps. hugs. 

Post # 34
Member
2128 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

you’ve probably heard it from everyone…but hang in there. sounds like you are just struggling with confusing emotions but there is really no need to be alarmed unless you are finding things out about your husband that you didn’t know before, or there is serious problems.

Feelings are tricky. If you didn’t go through premarital counseling, then you weren’t told what to expect out of marriage. The highs and sometimes, serious lows. Feeling so far away from your partner, even when they are right there. CHOSING to love your spouse each and every single day, even when you find it hard. Ask someone who’s been married for 20+ years and they will tell you, it wasn’t easy, wasn’t easy at all.

You don’t have to worry about “did I fall out of love”….because it doesn’t work like that. Love is a choice…if you stop loving someone its because you chose to stop loving them, wether it be because of how they treat you, or your own desires.

You have to work your way through it with his help if you still want to, he is your husband after all. I think you are dealing with depression and I don’t think you should end your marriage without at least getting some help first. I’m not saying take pills at all. Mild depression can be treated without medication. Open up to someone you trust, don’t keep this all inside. You would be surprised how talking about it can make things feel better.

Post # 36
Member
197 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I was once with someone I loved very much and was very happy with in another state for school. Once school was over and my friends like and all I had was him and his family I got so lonely and homesick that it made our relationship fall apart.  Ifelt numb too, I resented him for having everything he wanted, family friends, job, living exactly where he wanted where I had to give up everything to be with him by living there. It was easy for me to leave since we were only dating and thank God I am marrying the most amazing  man ever now and have my family and friends again BUT it took me awhile to realize that my loneliness and unhappiness is what played the major role in things falling apart. So, since you are married to what sounds like a great man you really need to work on things from within.  Make friends, everyone needs girlfriends to get lunch with and talk with.. Take up hobbies, do positive things, church, read, ect… best of luck

Post # 37
Member
741 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@CurlyWurly: The good thing about going to a therapist is you don’t have to feel ashamed, they are there to help without actually being apart of your life like your husband or friends. You can say whatever you want, it’s confidential. There have been times I’ve gone to see my therapist even when I wasn’t feeling that down, but I just didn’t want to unload too much on my Fiance or friends. 

I would certainly make an appointment asap. You do need to move forward and force yourself to be busy as an expat…but if there is real depression mixed in with this, then expecting you to just “snap out of it” might be too much. 

Also, if you can…go to the spa and go get a treatment. Totally a quick fix and you’ll still have work to do, but you need to start being nicer to yourself and it’s not a bad way to kick that off. 

And I promise, if you do what the PP have suggested, then how you are feeling will not last forever. Hang in there. 

Post # 38
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee

Im sorry but this IS depression and if you see someone it WILL help.  We’ve told you to seek help before. 

I’m sorry im being a bit of a hard ass but i really want you to seek some help because you wont be able to get past this if you dont.  You’re homesick and its part of the route cause of your depression. But none the less…it is what it is.  If you seek help it could turn things around and you’ll realize you really do love your husband, but were in a dark place for awhile. 

Post # 39
Member
1812 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@CurlyWurly: My poor dear, I just want to give you a massive bear hug!  It is really difficult being away from what you know.  I am originally from the UK and moved to Greece, and sometimes, especially after a visit home I feel the same.  It could be depression, it could be homesickness. 

It may be a good idea to start a language course?  I don’t know about other countries, but in Greece and many other European countries there are free language courses for foreigners living there – it may be the same world over.  It’s also a good way to meet other people who are probably feeling just as lost as you are.  Also it may help you connect with your new surroundings.

To get yourself happy and feeling something will maybe take time, but with the right baby steps you will get there!  Your husband sounds like he’s very supportive – that’s a good sign.

Big hugs

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