(Closed) A Prenup?! Now?!

posted 11 years ago in Money
Post # 17
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ok, thanks for the clarifications. I think you have a bigger problem at hand than the prenup. Prenup aside…

Your behavior has changed. And he is alarmed by it. I think he approached the situation poorly by throwing up a prenup and should have said something to you about the behavior. You’re stressed, you got a lot on your plate, etc. Understandable, but you’re scaring your Fiance. Which means it’s not just a LITTLE bit, it’s a lot.

I think you guys need a neutral environment to discuss this out and chill out a little. His reason for not wanting to pay you alimony is just absurd. Alimony has its place and time (ie like a PP mentioned above you make career sacrifices for his childen) although I am a firm believer in making your own way as much as possible and I have a degree that allows me to do such. But, his comment eludes to the fact that he’s afraid you’re going to turn into some crazy controlling, who knows what kind of lady in a few years. He’s warning you in his not so delicate way that he doesn’t like the atittude you’ve adopted. We’ve all been there. Sometimes I get a certain way and DH is like “what’s up with you? you’re not being normal” although i will say i’m sorry your Fiance didn’t handle this more tactfully.

You guys need a chat big time. I suggest some premartial cousneling like many others above. It’ll help you resolve some issues. OBvoiusly you both are having some trust issues with your personalities. Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I would never sign a pre nup, I believe that when a couple gets married, they become one. This means debt, assets, everything. What happened for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health. Call me traditional or whatever, but that’s what I believe God intended marriage to be.

By today’s standards a pre nup is just what ejs said about it being a double edged sword it is pre emptive, very acceptable by today’s standards, but i feel that i’m called to God’s standards, so that’s why I would never be with someone who would even think in that direction.

If there is a way out.. aka divorce, than if things get tough that’s what will be taken.

If there is no way out, bound together for life, than I feel people duke it out and learn what commitment is all about. (yes I know that in cases of abuse and such that there are exceptions)

Post # 20
Member
2365 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

My opinion is that it protects both of you. I don’t know anything about prenups .. but I think that you both should seek lawyers.

Post # 21
Member
1064 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I think maybe just slow down a little. Let him get comfortable and maybe give him some projects to handle so he sees how tough it is and understands why your stressed. It’s sad that he is commenting on your behavior in that manner. I really think going to another counseling session where he can talk about his fear of how you’ve changed a little and you can calmly explain that this isn’t how you are, it’s just you have what I like to call wedding brain.

Post # 22
Member
563 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

A lot of wedding planning wasn’t much fun for me either.  And planning from a distance probably is even less fun.  But my husband really stepped up and took a really active role in helping me plan because he wanted to make me happy and help ease my stress.    

Post # 23
Member
290 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

Ensuring one spouse doesn’t pay alimony isn’t really the purpose of a prenup. It is to protect parties in the case of significant assets or debt. It sounds like neither of those situations exist here and I would encourage you to not sign away your right to be protected in the case of a divorce.

I agree with previous posters, the comment about ‘your behavior’ is disconcerting. It seems like he is using this to create a fight, or a potential ‘out.’ He isn’t happy with how you have been acting, and this is an issue he knows you will stand firm on. You need to have a serious conversation about what is really going on.  We  attended counseling with some one who frankly, made it worse, and it seems like you may have had a similarly negative experience. I would keep looking until you found someone who works for you.

If planning a wedding is turing you into ‘a beast,’ it may be time to take a step back. We all get caught up in the stress of planning. It is inevitable. But ultimately this is just a party, and it isn’t worth compromising the health or happiness of your relationship.

Good luck.

Post # 24
Member
2143 posts
Buzzing bee

I dont know if you do planning stuff while he’s home, but maybe make those two days a week that he’s there wedding free days. Tons of couples need to do this at least once a week because it IS stressful and it starts to consume your whole life. Definitely take a step back, breathe, and remember what the day is really about– the two of you declaring your love to each other and making the promise of a lifetime together. That’s all you need! Don’t stress so much about the rest

Post # 25
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

I’m with you, H.

I would never marry anyone who wanted a prenup.  Period.

Either we are going to be Family or we are not.

Post # 26
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

i agree w/ ejs – it seems there is more going on than just his concerns about protecting assets. could you take some time out for both of you to talk face to face about what his concerns are (it might take a while for him to disclose that) and the issues you’re dealing with (that he may not be aware of)? if you’ve been through counselling once already, is it worthwhile to do it another time? how did you feel coming out of the last sessions?

Post # 27
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

@GretaEhm, that’s insulting. I understand when some people belive you are “all in, assets wise” and completely respect that opinion, but c’mon, to imply that people who have prenups are not really family is not cool.

Post # 28
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

To the OP,

Were these issues addressed with the first round of counseling? Or are his responses to your behavior “new”?

A second go at it could help tremendously. Then again, if he can just sit down and amicably explain. Being with someone is all about hard work and plugging away at it.

That being said, if there are issues going on, your Fiance may be crying out that the wedding is making him stop and think and it might be wise (now, or in the future, you know what i mean) to put it on hold in order to straighten out your relationship before trekking down the aisle. There is no shame in being wise enough to realize the task at hand is more important to deal with than your impending nuptials.

Post # 29
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I think you guys need to stop planning a wedding and figure out your relationship first.  If you have already tried counseling and things are still not right then you need to ask yourself why.

MY Fiance is a pilot and is gone 3-4 days a week.  I’m planning a wedding 5 hours from my house.  I’m not stressed out about planning the wedding.  I don’t get much help from him besides what I can email him or tell him on the phone.  I think you need to take a break from the planning and find that happy place again.  Yes there are going to be things that come up while planning that gets you worked up.  But it shouldn’t be an everyday thing or for every task at hand.

Good luck!

Post # 30
Member
3282 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

I agree that this discussion could feel shocking and confusing, but I think, not knowing either one of you (you or your FI) personally, it sounds more like a planning ahead thing than anything.  Honestly, in a roundabout way, it’s more a reassurance thing about your relationship than a troubling thing – that you’ll both be ‘cared for’ for whatever life throws at you.

Post # 31
Member
445 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

@ejs – I don’t think Greta meant that anyone who did sign a prenup wasn’t a real family. I think it’s her own personal opinion on her own relationship. I also personally wouldn’t want to be with someone who asked me to sign a prenup either, but I think for some people, they feel it necessary to protect their assets, and I’m fine with their choice to sign one together. It’s just not something that’s personally for me. It’s something that is between the couple, and no one else.

@heatherlynn – I also agree with everyone that there are some other underlying issues here that need to be worked out prior to the two of you getting married. If his first thought to your behavior was that you would leave him, he has some insecurity issues. Have either of you threatened previously to leave during a heated argument? I think counseling with a different counselor may help tremendously. Your Fiance also needs to understand that planning a wedding by yourself is extremely stressful. If he can’t handle you getting stressed out now, he’s not going to be able to handle you getting stressed during your marriage. I hope you’ll both go back to see a counselor, and I hope everything works out.

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