(Closed) A Prenup?! Now?!

posted 11 years ago in Money
Post # 33
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yes, I understand that that is Greta’s personal belief, but she should be mindful of phrasing when posting about such “hot topics” in order to not come across so ignorantly, that’s all. The implication, no matter what her own personal thoughts, is that if she knows of anyone who has a prenup, they are not *really* married and they are not *really* family. It can be percepted as such, that is all, and perception is something we should always take into consideration when posting.

@heatherlynn, there is definitely an underlying reason why he suddenly brought it up, particularly having always known your feelings about it. A prenup is probably what somebody in his family mentioned to him, so perhaps he just jumped on board without 100% knowing what it’d entail? I can understand your frustrations with him wanting to be involved. It kinda sounds like HE is the insecure one, always asking you to move home and all that. Maybe he thinks by having a prenup that prevents you from having any alimony, you’d be less likely to leave him in the future for fear of *punishment*? Maybe it would behoove him to see a therapist to deal with some of those insecurities? It isn’t fair of him to project those onto you, when in reality, you haven’t done anything to render that. I know it’s tough; DH’s father walked out on him when they were little, too, and it DOES mess with their heads, but he always has the attitute that he is not him, no matter the saying that the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I can understand his fears, but you shouldn’t have to convince him over and over! That gets old very fast.

 

Post # 34
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

I don’t think there is anything wrong with pre-nups and I don’t think that just because you have one you are preparing for a divorce.  And if the big D does happen then you will have less headache since half of the stuff is already hashed out. 

I would at least think he would have asked you at a more respectable time but that is how men are!

Good Luck with everything.

Post # 35
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

I signed a pre-nup because my fiance asked me to. It sucked and we argued about it a little, but I did it. But he had a rational reason for asking me to sign it. We’re not preparing for divorce – couldn’t be farther from it. We’re just being careful.

As all the other ladies have pointed out, that does not seem to be the case here, and a prenup is probably inappropriate. Counseling does sound appropriate to get past his insecurities. Is that something you discussed last time? Would he be more comfortable in individual counseling?

Also, I’m with you, sister! My guy is gone all week for work and only home on the weekends, so I do most of the planning/crafting/etc. myself, and it IS stressful! On top of which, it’s just a lot of work! Your FI needs to understand that this is a wedding for two people, and he should be helping out more! Maybe it would help if you gave him concrete tasks to do or delegated a few things. I gave my guy the honeymoon planning and music, so he took the lead on that, and it was great! He also helps out with physical crafting projects and is willing to sit down with me so long as I give him something to do. Ideas … not so much. I don’t know if that would work for you or not, but it sounds like you’re under a lot of stress, so you need to try something!

Good luck!

Post # 36
Member
6659 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

My advice would be to sit him down and try to figure out exactly what’s going on. It sounds like someone suggested this to him since it’s so random. Ask him where the idea came from and why exactly he wants to do this. Are there family assets he wants to protect that maybe you don’t know about? Is this something other people in his family have done? Approach him in a nice way and listen to what he has to say before acting too upset.

After you get a good answer out of him, take some time to think about what he said. If what he is asking for seems reasonable, go for it. If you are still scratching your head talk to him some more. Tell him how uncomfortable you feel with the idea of a prenup and just can’t get your head around his reasoning.

Good luck and I’m sorry such a stressful thing happened!!

Post # 37
Member
960 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I’ll be asking Fiance to sign a pre-nup because I’m coming into the marriage with a significant amount of assets. It will probably go something like this: anything either of us had before the marriage we will keep, then we split everything 50/50 should we get a divorce.

I think it’s a good idea because you know what? Shit happens. Marriages fall apart. People cheat. People grow apart and fall out of love. People do ugly things during divorce. Call me a cynic, but my dad and stepmom just spent 2 years going through a divorce. It. Sucks. It’s irresponsible to to think that it couldn’t happen to you. I’m in 100% agreement with what EJS said in her previous posts, so there’s really nothing else for me to point out. Just listen to him and his reasons why he wants one. Step outside of yourself for a second and look at it from an outsiders point of view. Good luck.

Also, my future husband and I WILL be a *family* WITH a pre-nup.

Post # 38
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Okay I started off totally for your Fiance and now not so much 🙂 In general, I think that prenups are a great idea. No one wants to get divorced but half of all people do. Just like no one wants to get into a car crash but you have car insurance just in case. Why not plan for that (hopefully fictional) future now while you love each other and can really be fair? Prenups don’t just deal with pre-existing income. They can also deal with things like alimony and assets aquired after a marriage like inheritances, etc. There are definitely circumstances in which I think alimony is appropriate, but I think it is granted way too often these days and so I would want a prenup to protect both me and my spouse “just in case.”

BUT- if he is doing this in a reactionary way rather than a theoretical way (i.e. I think that ALL people should have prenups. he just thinks YOU should), you need to deal with the issue that is making him uncomfortable asap.

Post # 39
Member
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

if there are assets involved then i agree with prenups.  my hubby had every right to ask for one but as hes a bit old fashioned he didnt. if he had asked me to sign one, i would have been hurt but i also would have understood and reconginzed it as fair

Post # 40
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I may be in the minority here, but my Fiance and I are planning on signing a pre-nup, and I was the one who suggested it. He at first wasn’t interested, but has since decided that it could be a good idea. Neither of us has any real assets at the moment (can you say broke college students?) but we both have significant inheritances coming our way at some point in the future. A pre-nup is not an insulting thing. It also isn’t a one-sided thing. If ridiculous things are stated in the prenup, a judge will not hold them up. Also, when constructing a pre-nup, both sides have lawyers, and both parties interests are protected. It’s simply a legal document that makes things easier in the event of a divorce. It isn’t preparing for divorce. I also look at it as an acknowledgement that you are marrying for each other – not for what the other person brings to the table, asset-wise. Here’s a couple of websites I found useful when researching for our prenup:

http://www.idotaketwo.com/prenuptial_agreement.html

http://www.bankrate.com/brm/prenup.asp

Honestly, they really aren’t such a bad idea, for either of you. You can’t sign anything you don’t agree to, and it will make sure you both go into this with full disclosure about the others financial situation.

Post # 41
Member
5495 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I’m so sorry. I would be devestated if my Fiance asked me to do one. It had never even crossed my mind, even though the richer people tend to do it.

I think you need to talk to him about how you feel, and see where it takes you.

Post # 42
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

You’ve gotten a lot of great advice on the prenup side of things, so I won’t comment on that!

But I wanted to highlight what you said about your family being upset about the prenup.

I’ve found that when dealing with relationship issues with your SO, sometimes it can be dangerous to share stuff with family… because even when you and your SO have hashed things out, sometimes family members have a hard time letting go of what happened.

Anyway just a word of warning.  Good luck!!

Post # 43
Member
10216 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

totally agree with mr. bee, sometimes your family can’t let go even if you have and are moving beyond it ((HUGS))

eta you hv been given great advice and that i too believe in prenups and will probably suggest it since we own our own businesses.

Post # 44
Member
7052 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I went thru a divorce without a pre nup.  It would not have mattered as it would have been nasty anyway.  I wasn’t the nasty one btw.

Unless imho you have vast wealth or family residences that are bequeathed to you, I wouldn’t sign one.

My guy knows I first of all am never going to divorce again.  I  know he’s not.  He also knows I wouldn’t touch his family’s home (been in family 8 generations) either.  I’m not that way.

What I am 100 percent in favor of is premarital counseling!  Getting out the issues and kinks NOW before they become huge issues.  I think it’s good that you two can get out the fear he has of abandonment b/c of his dad.  But I also know a piece of paper whether it’s a marriage license, a divorce decree, or a pre nup cannot shield you from a broken heart.  If he wants a marriage, and wants you to be his wife for life, I’d tell him your energies are best spent in working on making your marriage as strong as it can be!

Check out some of Dr. Willard/Steve harley’s books.  Buy him “His Needs/Her Needs” and tell him that you’re committed to the marriage license and honoring that and you want him to do the same! That piece of paper is imho, made of love and very strong!

Much love and best wishes.  I’m sorry you’re having so much to deal with right now.

Post # 45
Member
732 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010 - The Tower Club

You’ve gotten some great advice here, but I don’t think your problem lies with the prenup. I’d be more concerned that you’re with a man whose response to your changing moods is to start thinking of a way out. Why couldn’t he just say, “hey… you seem really stressed, let’s talk about it”?

How does this relate to issues you worked out in counseling? If he is saying this now, when you’re not married yet, how will he handle any other emotional challenges in the future? Grief/loss? Work stress? Pregnancy/childbearing? Is he going to be thinking of a way out every time you have an emotion?

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be harsh. I just think it’s unfair that he’s put you in the position to defend yourself against justifiable stress, and to focus on the desire for a prenup when that isn’t the real issue… it’s that he mentioned it at all.

Post # 46
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

@lemilie,

I asked for one as well! We’re definitely a minority, though!

My fiance and I are from divorced parents and we just don’t see a reason not to do it.

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