- 9 years ago
- Wedding: August 2009
I want to start this off by saying that I don’t intend this question to be judgmental in anyway, I’m just honestly curious. I’ve often heard of, and several threads on these boards also talk about, couples deciding to get married, sometimes even picking out the ring together, and then the woman is waiting for her Boyfriend or Best Friend to "propose". Maybe I’m being really obtuse and old-fashioned, but I really don’t understand "proposing" after you’ve decided to get married already. A few of my good friends have had fairly elaborate proposals, but in all cases it was a genuine surprise (actually more often than not the woman was getting really irritated b/c her Boyfriend or Best Friend was putting off talking about getting married). In one case I helped my friend’s now husband pick stones, design the ring, and gave him the thumbs up for his proposal idea (needless to say I had to avoid my friend for a couple months before lest I spill it)…but she really had no idea that he was ready to get married. And in fact was getting pretty annoyed that he wouldn’t talk about it. But no one I’m close enough to ask about it has gone the other route, so I don’t really have anyone to ask.
In my case my Fiance was ready (and made it subtly known) like a year before we got engaged. I was not. Apparently he was waiting for me to hint if I knew I wanted to marry him (or hoping that I’d do that and not decide I wasn’t and leave I suppose), and then he’d propose. Well I didn’t know about the hinting thing (and obviously don’t get it), so when the time came I told him I was ready to talk abot it and we did. He did buy me a beautiful engagement set afterward (no ring for me, so yes, I’m very non-traditional I guess) and planned a lovely weekend to celebrate, but I guess I thought deciding to get married obviated a big, surprise proposal.
So I’m trying to understand the thoughts/opinions/ideas of those that disagree with my reasoning and who are waiting or have had a proposal that they knew was coming. Yes, I do have some feminist misgivings about the idea of the guy deciding when the right time is to get married, but it’d be pretty hypocritical of me to say everyone should agree with that when I still got an expensive set of jewelry from him while he got, well, just me I guess. And plenty of other things we are doing as part of our wedding are rooted in traditional ideas of marriage as a contract and the woman as property…even though that’s not what the traditions mean to me or why I’m doing them. So I’m wondering what does a "surprise proposal" after you’ve already decided to get married mean to you, and why are you choosing to do it?