(Closed) A question for the independent-minded bees

posted 6 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 3
Member
942 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

ME, but you handle it so much better!! I still stuff my face when I’m starving to death at 5pm..I can’t possibly wait any longer. And he’s a good cook! (but in that moment of starvation, quality is sooo far out the window)

Recently his job changed, so up until the wedding I’m living solo again. And it’s fantastic– not going to lie! I love being alone. But it wasn’t that nice of an adjustment, the first month was hard– which oughta be a good sign. 

I can’t wait to live together somewhere NEW again. I like change in my life, but I also can’t wait to experience new changes and new things with him.

On the up side, I also like to travel solo or with random groups/arranged tours. And he’s totally fine and very supportive of that. So I really do get the best of both worlds. 

Post # 4
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Marking this to respond later (no time right now!)

Post # 5
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

striking the right balance is hard but so important!  Do you have any of your own hobbies?  Fiance plays basketball a few times a week and I use that time to do whatever I please – gym, catch up with an old friend, cleaning, or sitting on the couch eating junk food!  I’m definitely going to join a book club after the wedding when I have some more free time.

Have you ever tried meetup.org?  It’s an awesome place to meet new people in your area and find a group that has the same interests as you. 

and PS – go make your mac n cheese and eat away girl!!!!!

As for the eating thing… Fiance doesn’t cook (it’s a treat when he boils water for pasta while I’m on my way home from work) and I do but don’t LOVE it. We eat out a lot, but try hard to stick to cooking at least 3 times a week.  Maybe you guys can agree to take out on nights he works late?  And limit the home cooking to a few nights a week.  

I get soo HANGRY (angry when i’m hungry) so I need to eat pretty immediately when the urge calls! You shouldn’t have to compromise on when you can eat if you’re hungry.  

Post # 6
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  I almost feel like I coud have written this.  There are a few differences in my situation, but the overall ideas are the same.

First of all this:

Fiance and I have lived together for two years now, and for those of you who cohabitate, you know all about the ups and downs of that arrangement–it can be an incredibly cozy feeiing or totally infuriating, depending on the day.  Most of all it requires lots of patience and compromise.

So incredibly true!  There are definitely days when I feel so in love with my fiance and so happy we’re able to see one another every day (we were in a long distance relationship during our first 2 years together, so it’s something I try not to take for granted).  But … There are also days when his bad habits become so overwhelmingly obnoxious that I just want to scream!  

Before my fiance and I moved in together nearly 2 years ago, I had been living on my own (completely on my own with no roommates) for almost 5 years.  I also went away to college, and it was a wonderful experience … I don’t think I would have been confident enough to live completely on my own if I had stayed home and gone to the local university most of my high school friends attended.  Additionally, I’ve moved around a bit (I’ve only lived in 3 states, though) and I was independent enough to go on an educational trip to China/Tibet without knowing anyone.  (Interestingly enough, I met my fiance on that trip!)

When my fiance proposed, I was so excited … And then I was kind of scared.  I was afraid of giving up my “single self.”  I felt like that was kind of silly, but that fear was there.  I mean, he and I have been together since June 2007 … I haven’t exactly been single in a long time!  I also felt it was silly because I really love him.  I have no doubts that he is the perfect person for me, and he is honestly the only man who has ever made me seriously contemplate marriage and children.

Do I still get nervous at times?  Yes.  But here’s the thing … I realized that I would feel so much worse without him in my life.  We’re both pretty independent in that we both like to do our own thing, go out with our own friends, etc. … But we also both want to share experiences with each other.  

I wouldn’t consider either of us to be gung ho about the “we-ness” of marriage, but we have actually discussed this.  We both feel very strongly about maintaining some sense of self regardless of living together, marriage, children in the future, etc.  I think the best thing you can do is open the lines of communication.  We have our own hobbies and interests, do things with our friends, and spend time by ourselves.  We don’t always have dinner together, and that’s fine.  But … We do a lot of things together too.  We have shows we like to watch together, we cook dinner together sometimes, go to the gym together (if I don’t go with a friend), etc.  

I don’t know if I have a lot of advice (other than talking about it) … But you’re not alone.  Sometimes I still worry about being a “Mrs.” (honestly, I never pictured myself getting married!), but I truly do love my fiance.  At the risk of sounding sappy and cliche, he’s such a wonderful man and I do feel very lucky to have found him.  I think I’m also pretty lucky, though, because he’s also a bit of a “lone wolf” so he does get it when I need some “me” time.

 

Post # 9
Member
2753 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

But sometimes it feels like no matter how much we have going on, the time we come together is still all about his wants versus mine.

Yeah I don’t feel that’s so much about the living together as it is not having your needs met. Like someone else said, it’s about maintaining a balance. Good for you for getting your mac n cheese right now! Just because you eat something before he gets home doesn’t mean you can’t sit in the kitchen with him noshing on some salad or drinking your wine while he eats. Also, specifically about wanting to just talk, if you don’t already make a habit of it, talk about stuff during the clean up period to set the mood for talking later. 

The “cure” for not feeling like you’re losing yourself even during your together times is to make sure your wants and needs are just as important as his. When Fiance and I first moved in together, I already knew he watched a lot of movies, but I didn’t know that it was an almost every night occurrance. Every. Night. I like movies, but I like regular ole tv even more (weird I know). Some nights, I don’t want anything on, just silence, especially if we’ve been out somewhere. The first few months I just stayed quiet until I couldn’t take it anymore. I almost got angry with him until I realized it was ME that was putting me in the corner. Not that I’m saying you are, just sharing my epiphany. Now we’ve got a good mix going where I have my must-watch tv nights and other nights where we pop in a movie or two. 

That’s just one example, but given that y’all already have active outside lives, I thought a staying-in story made more sense. 

Post # 10
Member
3182 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have been feeling the same way! Luckily the hubs is pretty laid back about most everything so me eating cereal out of a box for dinner and leaving him on his own wouldn’t really faze him. 

I just miss having my own space though. I loved living by myself, for the same reasons you mentioned. Although part of that is that I missed only having a 750 aquare foot apartment to keep clean. Now it’s more like 2700 and it’s never put together.

It’s really the random little things that make me feel like I’m losing “independence”. Like he keeps medicine in the MOST random places, I feel like I have to ask permission to take an Advil because I don’t know where it is. Also he’s helping (read . . .bankrolling) my efforts to pay off my student loans so I know I should be super grateful but he keeps telling me exactly which ones to pay off, etc. He also checks my bank account periodically to make sure I have money in there, and even though we’re married it still seems wierd to me that he can go online and see how much I spent for lunch. 

So anyways, yes, I understand the feeling! I have a business trip coming up and the hubs is off so I told him he should come with me, but now I’m kind of thinking a couple of night alone in a hotel sounds AWESOME. 

All in all, I obviously love the hubs, and I feel like my life is better because he’s in it. I just also have fond memories of the time I spent in my own place. Cannot be happier about having that experience. (I’m also 31!)

Also, who says you have to agree on laundry? My friends think I’m crazy but we each do our own laundry. Never saw the point in combining. 

Post # 11
Member
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@Buttercupmcgee:  You dont have to compromise all the time. I have several foods i can’t eat. That said i’ll cook things for my SO I can’t have and he’ll cook things for me. We have no problem eating different things. I think you have to figure out what will work for yall.

Post # 12
Member
2959 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I too, have always been somewhat of a loner. Oh I have friends and I either have them over or go out every now and then, but I am most comfortable by myself.

Luckily, FH and I have very different work schedules. He works the graveyard shift and I work days. So in reality, we only see each other a few hours a day. Except for vacations, we only eat two or three meals together a week, so I can usually eat whatever I want.

FH has always known me to be very independent and strong-willed, whereas he is much more laid back. Yes, we do things together, but truth be told, we have many activities that do NOT involve each other. He is bowling now, which I have no interest in. He fully understands that I have never, nor will I ever have my life revolve around a man. We are both adults and he has lived on his own for years. He doesn’t need someone to “take care of him”.

Post # 13
Member
1511 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  You’re welcome.  I love responding to threads that really touch something in me, and this one certainly did!

I feel like I have a very varied group of friends, so I don’t necessarily think I’m the only one who feels this way.  Two of my closest friends (one female and one male [the guy will actually be my man of honor]) are very independent minded, love to travel, have lived in several areas, and so on.  I have other close friends who are married with children, some who are married without children, some who are in serious long-term relationships (but no marriage or engagement in sight), and still others who are single (some looking for love, some not).

I did love living alone, and my fiance did as well.  I think sometimes we do explode on each other over trivial things (his most common complaint is that I don’t take out the garbage enough and mine is that he almost never washes the dishes even when he cooks).  At other times, we take a step away from each other … We’ll say something like, “Okay, I’m pissed off right now.  We’ll talk about it in a little while when I’ve cooled down.”  (To be honest, I’m usually the one who has to say this.  I have a temper, and he’s generally pretty laidback.)  I also love writing, and sometimes writing in a journal helps me work through frustrations.  It also helps me clear my head and figure out what I want to do next.  If I’m still upset, I’ll bring it up.  If I’m not, I forget about it.  To be honest, a lot of things aren’t even worth arguing about!

Sometimes you do just have to get away, though … Even if it just means going to a different room to read quietly or, as you mentioned, doing something to pamper yourself (like a bubble bath or trip to the salon).  I think it’s normal to want different things sometimes … I definitely believe that being part of a couple doesn’t mean you always have to want (or even like!) the same things!

As for the last name, I am planning to take his.  When I was younger I used to say that I would never take the man’s name if I ever got married (though I didn’t think I ever would at that point).  As I got older, I realized my last name isn’t really that important to me because it’s my dad’s last name.  I literally have no relationship with my dad … We haven’t seen or spoken to one another in almost 10 years (and our “relationship” was incredibly rocky before that).  I have no desire to maintain any ties to him, so the last name goes.  If my situation were different, though, I might reconsider.

Post # 14
Member
1463 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I totally agree…I had my daughter at the age of 21 and said no to marriage because I wanted to do it by myself I knew I was way to young to have a child but I am definitely not going to get married (the best decision I ever made). So I understand how you feel.

I have a problem with compromising all the day time and bitting my tongue when I really want to say WTF am I a pin cushion that you can stick pins in. My Fiance is in the military and constantly thinks I am one of his soldiers; I cant say what I want because he is away and it would affect him and he needs to concentrate and not be distracted.

We talked about it and he mentioned to me that when he gets that way to bring it to his attention I do again, and again, and again (military mode). It will not get better until he comes home so I have to grin and bare it for the time being. 

BIG HUG TO ALL THE BEES WHO ARE ENTERING INTO A NEW ARENA…

Post # 15
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’m also an independent person. Maybe FH and I are both this way, we think nothing of sitting around in our jammies eating cereal for dinner or watching shows in separate rooms. FH doesn’t need for me to be home when he’s home.

I kinda wish he’d get home so we could make/eat dinner together as cooking together is more fun, but he works later than me. So we compromise by me making/eating dinner when I want and keeping it warm for him when he gets home. I watch my trashy TV during my dinner hour and sit with him while he eats his. We also keep the big elaborate meals for the weekends because its just too much to deal with during the week.

At some point you just need to discuss and say, I need these things! to be happier! and he loves you, and you two will find a way to make it work. It does take a bit of settling in though. I do find that having a bigger place  helps, as we can grt away from each other a bit.

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