(Closed) A question for the independent-minded bees

posted 7 years ago in The Lounge
Post # 17
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I am a pretty independent person and so is FH. We both discussed our concerns about sharing a home together. I was really worried that I would lose myself once we started living together. I also like sitting around in pajamas, watching crappy tv and stuffing my face with junk food. FH doesn’t mind that I do that. I usually just DVR anything he deems “girly” and I watch it while he’s at work. We still don’t really eat together, but I get home from school around 3 and FH will usually get home before that, and he’s also at work until 10, so it’s not logical all the time for us to wait for each other. Honestly, most of the time I don’t mind. I don’t feel like I’ve really lost myself all that much. No, I can’t watch Say Yes to the Dress when FH is here because he is the remote hog, but we’re both logical people and willing to compromise so everyone stays happy. 

Our key was communication. When we first started living together I think that we both kept our mouths shut about certain things because we were still in that cloud nine phase. After a while though, we both sat down with each other and we both had to talk about the things that we needed in order to stay sane. We were able to balance things out. I still get my alone time and so does he. 

Post # 18
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Buttercupmcgee:  I know it is hard for him to separate military life from civilian life. He is away right and is in military mode so he is on edge and tries to not give me the shit. I tell him and he always apologizes but sometime what he says stings and my feelings get hurt.

He is so sweet but he this is a full time job and the work we will need to do when he gets home will be for years (he is retiring). He tries to make it up to me by spoiling me but it just makes me resentful sometimes. He has given me an unlimited budget (for loving him unconditionally because he knows it is hard) he feels as though weddings are sacred and this is my first and his second.

Because he is that way I have developed thick skin and it bothers me less and less.

Post # 19
Member
4304 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I moved across the country away from everyone when I was 18.  Lived with people, boyfriends, roommates, alone, etc.  I was single for several years and I loved it.  When my husband was preparing to move to my state, I lived with my best friend (also from the state he was moving from) since 5th grade.  It was heaven.  I was totally not ready to give it all up.

There are some things I miss about being alone like you stated.  But it went away over time.  It sounds to me like 2 years is plenty of time to adjust… I mean, are you sure you want to be in a relationship?  With him?  Or it could be as simple as just being like, yo dude I am not looking for the 10 course meal, I’m scarfing down the Mac & it’s gonna have to be kosher.  You sound a little more independent than he is, so it will take compromise.

But what do I know, I really only see my husband on Friday nights these days.  I couldn’t even tell you what living together is like 😉 Lol.

ETA: Also when we didn’t have these crazy schedules, my husband likes to spend time tinkering in the garage with his Brother-In-Law so he’s like “girl bye”.  And then I pretty much just do whatever I want.  Does he not have any hobbies?

Post # 20
Member
8919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@Buttercupmcgee:  Compromise means each of you gives up a little of what you want in order to end up with something you can both live with. It’s often a good solution. But sometimes you can find ways to both get what you want without either giving up anything important. Like deciding which bread to use — if you want 7-grain and he wants pumpernickel, buy a loaf of each. That’s a scenario that does not require compromise. Three extra bucks and you’re both happy, that’s a good deal! If you squeeze toothpaste from the middle and he rolls from the end, buy two tubes. That won’t even cost extra because even though you’re buying two tubes, only one person is using each so they’ll last twice as long. If you like your towels folded a certain way get your own special-color towels, then you fold yours your way and let him fold his his way. The proverbial toilet paper debate — hanging over the roll or under the roll — who says you can’t put up two TP holders?

About eating together — what is special and important to him about that? Does he just love cooking for it’s own sake? Or does he get a kick watching you enjoy what he’s made? Or is it the companionship and sense of family from sitting down together at the table? Ask him to think about it and let you know what makes it so important, and then work together to see if there’s a way to meet both of your needs. This is a great habit to get into. Whenever your wants or needs collide, first try to think of creative ways that you can both have it your way, and if you can’t come up with anything, THEN move on to compromise.

Also, keep in mind that the patterns you establish early in the marriage will define the marriage. I’m going on 17 years and my husband still asks “honey, I need a pen, do you mind if I go in your purse?” because when we were first married I explained to him that now that we share bank accounts, our bed, the toilet — can my purse be all mine? He just said “oh, of course!” Much better than quietly seething for five years and then blowing up over something he probably never gave a thought to.  … It sounds like you’re very self-aware and willing to put in the effort that any relationship requires, so I think you’re well on your way to a happy healthy marriage. Best wishes!

Post # 21
Member
2866 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  I sometimes am afraid of feeling like that too. I know exactly what you mean.

Post # 22
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  

Re the dinner thing – we have nights where one of us is in charge of dinner. There is no discussion – the person in charge decides, and we eat whatever it is, take out or otherwise. If we had to agree on dinner every day it would drive me nuts.

Also if I had to cook together with my Fiance I would end up slitting my own throat. I love him to pieces but cooking is not a group activity. I need to do things MY WAY in the kitchen. I actually like cooking more than he does so that works out fine.

Post # 23
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can relate to what you’re feeling a little, but I guess I have the best of both worlds. SO works as a foreman at an oil field camp on two week on/two week off rotation. So I am alone at our home 50% of the time. I was anxious when he first took the job, afraid of  it turning into a “part-time relationship” or whatever. But how silly of me. We are pretty solid as a couple and I have gotten used to it. I can eat as much or as little as I want, be as messy or lazy as I like, sleep sideways across the bed and watch all my fave girly shows for two weeks straight every month. Its actually nice. And the best part? By the time his rotation is almost over I can’t WAIT to jump in his arms and have him right beside me again. It has actually been great for our relationship…we treat each other better and appreciate our time together so much more. 

Post # 24
Member
385 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

You don’t have to compromise on everything.  You don’t have to agree about how often to do laundry or what kind of bread to eat.  You can each do your own laundry (that’s what we do), and buy two loaves of bread instead of one.  You can put the bread in the fridge or freezer if you don’t eat it fast enough.  We buy both butter and margarine because he can’t give up his Country Crock, even though I’ve told him butter is better for you.  🙂

We like to eat together too, but our point of contention is usually that neither of us wants to be the one to have to decide what to eat.  If I’m really in the mood for something specific, he’s quite happy for me to say so, and if he wants something else, he makes something different.

He likes having the TV or music on all the time, and I like having silence sometimes.  So I’ll go to another room and read.

We both have introvert tendencies, and understand if the other needs some alone time.

We’re also pretty similar on the neat/messy spectrum, so there haven’t been any arguments about that.  If anything, each of us feels that the other does more work.

For finances, we each have our own accounts still, and we added a joint account for household expenses.  It’s working well for us so far.  We still talk about how much we have in our separate accounts, and what we’re spending money on.

Maybe I’m just lucky, but I think it’s possible to be comfortable and happy and still maintain a sense of independence.

Post # 25
Member
2786 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@Buttercupmcgee:  “Are you just unabashedly cool with doing the same stuff you would while he’s not home when he’s there?”

Wholeheartedly yes. This is something that makes it easier to live together. I consider my home to be my sanctuary where I can totally leave all social graces and rules at the door and do/be whatever I want. If I can’t reach that point quickly with my SO/FI, then I would be wondering about our relationship. I’m not saying you should do that, just something I’ve learned along the way. 

@Daisy_Mae:  +1 on the purse thing. It’s not only about compromises but also about boundaries. Fiance doesn’t care if the bathroom door is open or closed whatever he may be doing, but for me that’s a huge no-no, so he closes it everytime. We can’t just go into each other’s wallets or dresser/desk drawers without asking. 

@JenniferG: I love that y’all are comfortable with having the separate stuff! It’s great and so healthy.  

Post # 26
Member
375 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I am very independent, live alone, and both my SO and I worry about these issues. It would be hard to adjust to living with someone else and sharing so many things and decisions after all these years.

I suggest, regarding your meals, that you institute a form of tea time. Think some combo of bread+butter, small sandwich, hummus+veg, salad, yogurt with fruit, or even a small amount of mac and cheese, plus a tasty beverage to enjoy as soon as you get home. Appetizers! Keep the stuff in the fridge ready-made, and then eat a smaller portion for dinner when your husband is done cooking. That way, you get to have dinner but don’t have to be ravenous all afternoon and evening. The best snack will have protein, fat, and carbs, so you will feel immediately satisfied but can wait a long time before dinner if need be. I started doing this myself when I was working late nights and got tired of eating at 930 pm. 

Post # 30
Member
7770 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

It sounds like you are doing too much compromising, to me.  (Take that with a grain of salt- I don’t really know your relationship!)  But gosh, if I was hungry I would eat.  Darling Husband and I are very supportive of whatever the other person needs to do.  We require few things of one another, and only when we really need it, I guess we are laid back.  I just think it should feel right to you.

I am a super duper duper free spirit, about as free as they come.  Darling Husband works for me because he is up for anything- whatever I want to do I am allowed to do, so it still works for me. 

Post # 31
Member
2167 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Buttercupmcgee:  Oh its so wonderful!! When he walks in after being away he goes straight to the shower to wash the diesel smell off then straight to the bedroom! I guess there is actually a term for a wife whose husband is frequently away on business: grass widow???

We text and talk all day and night long when he is away, but being back together again is so sweet every time! I don’t know if he will have this job forever, and sometimes I think about how it would work if we had kids, but right now we are making it work and I swear it has made the relationship stronger. 

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