(Closed) A question for the laid-back brides…

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

No way, stand your ground! You are way less strict than any bride I’ve ever dealt with! People can suck it up for one day and wear a dress in a color they don’t like, they’ll deal with it. I like to think I’m laid back too, but don’t let people walk all over you!

Post # 5
Member
43 posts
Newbee

Hiya!  I can totally relate!  One strategy I have developed is to say “This is something that is really important to Fiance.”  or “This is something Fiance and I have already decided on”.  It’s worked like a charm with one especially opinionated relative. 

Post # 6
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I agree with PP on standing your ground. If they are trying to give dress color options that don’t fit with your vision I would tell them just to make sure you give the OK on the dresses before they buy them. I tried to do what you are doing with my girls and started getting the same problem. I had had enough though and just decided to have them all wear the same thing. I have 8 BM’s though so they are hard to coordinate. I’m not sure about your ladies, but could it be that some of them need some sort of extra guidance? It turned out that most of my girls just didn’t have an idea of where to start even though I told them the length and color. 

Post # 7
Member
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Bridesmaids are a big part of the “show”, and their dresses are a big part of the decor! (haha but don’t tell my girls I just called them “decor”).  They’ll be in a lot of your pictures, and while you definitely want them to be comfortable, you have every right to direct how you want the whole show to come together. Just like you pick your centerpieces to match your wedding colors and vision, you also get to pick how their dresses fit into that.

Maybe you need to play Barbie with them a little. Go to the store with them, and only send them into the fitting room with dresses you’d be happy with them wearing.  When they show you how it looks on them, you can critique it together. Then it’s more like friends going shopping together, as opposed to bride dictating her terms.

What are your colors? It can be a lot easier if you want to get your BMs into a color that is less flashy, more the kind of color they might ordinarily pick out for themselves. If a bride wanted me to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man in some bright neon orange thing, I would probably ‘suggest’ a lot of other ideas too ๐Ÿ˜‰

Post # 8
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Stand your ground. Just be firm. “Thank you for the suggestion, but as you know, this color scheme has already been decided.” That’s it. They can suck it up or back out, IMO.

I was similar in my approach, but a little more picky. I picked the exact color of the dress and Darling Husband picked the guys’ stuff out and just said, “Hey, go here and rent this, here is your 20% off coupon.” You are being extremely generous in letting them pick what they want and can afford, and wedding-experience or not, they need to realize that it doesn’t mean they get to re-vamp your wedding colors.

Post # 9
Member
2183 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011 - Florida Aquarium

Definitely stand your ground.

I was so laid back that my girls were asking me to develop spreadsheets and timelines. I just trusted they’d be there, but they wanted it all organized.

I had originally told them they could find their own dresses, like you, but then I went shopping with my Maid/Matron of Honor and found one really flattering for all of them. So they all bought it.

My point is sometimes we all need structure. No matter how much we want them just to show up sober, they still need some direction ๐Ÿ™‚ There might be push back because they think you’re not sure about the decision…

Post # 10
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think you’re being very reasonable (much more so than any bride I’ve ever known). I’ve been a bridesmaid before, and I don’t think they realize how lucky they are to get to choose their own dress even with the guidelines (which seem completely reasonable). Maybe you should remind them they are getting to choose the style and cut (to a certain extent), price, etc. To me, the price part is the best. In my experience (from being a Bridesmaid or Best Man and those around me who have been) as a Bridesmaid or Best Man you have to buy an overpriced dress in a color and style you don’t want/like/have the chance to wear again. I would try suggesting this to them, but, if they don’t get the hint, I would send them a link to some threads here on the bee. Some bees (certainly not all) feel like BM’s should just spend as much as they say on whatever dress they say with no concern for the BM’s budget, style, or what they feel comfortable wearing in front of a huge group of people. I think seeing this may be the motivation they need to realize just how reasonable you are being.

Post # 12
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@msdragon:  Don’t feel guilty! You are the one paying for the pictures, you are the one getting married. It’s not as if you’re asking them to spend $350 on some outlandish dress in some crazy color. I mean you are basically say, “Go buy yourself a dress you’ll re-wear in a color you may not *love* but isn’t a bad color!” I mean, come ON. Just realize how nice you are being, seriously, and don’t feel bad.

And yellow is so “in” now! There are tons of possibilities in many different shades and price ranges. I mean I know for one I don’t look ravishing in bright yellow, but I could pull off a lighter shade, and vice versa for others that aren’t as pale as a sheet of paper like me.

Post # 13
Member
11368 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I was not a laid-back bride, and I think you’re being extremely reasonable.

However, to be honest I think the reason you’re getting push back at all is the fact that you selected yellow as your color.  For people who love yellow, it’s a beautiful, cheery color.  However, I have never seen more negative comments on these boards regarding a choice of color for bridesmaids dresses than when the bride has chosen yellow. For whatever reason, a lot of women just do not feel as if they look good in yellow. Also, yellow it is not necessarily an easy color to find in a dress. If I had to guess, I think that could be why your maids are pushing back on you regarding your choice, even though you’ve otherwise allowed them a lot of latitude in their selections.

Post # 14
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You’re being very generous. I guarantee you that it’s because they’re not experienced with wedding stuff that you’re getting this kind of pushback. Should they be lucky enough to be included in someone else’s event, I would imagine that things will be a lot more standardized!

They also may be trying to “save” the event if they don’t understand the funky, “mismatched” (but coordinating!) style you’re going for. Like “oh no, she clearly doesn’t have an opinion and hasn’t thought about this, maybe I can guide her to some way that’s more appropriate for what I see as a wedding.” As PP have said, I think you can be pleasant but firm. “I know it’s not your favorite color, but hopefully you’ll be able to find something cute and inexpensive.” “Thanks for the idea, but I think we’re set on this.”

Don’t give up because other people aren’t clear on your vision or on wedding etiquette. ๐Ÿ™‚

 

Post # 15
Member
9549 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you’re right, and it kind of goes back to the saying “give them an inch and they take a mile”. You’re trying to be nice, and that’s great, but don’t let them push you around. Stand your ground. This is what you want. You’d being flexible. If that isn’t working you could offer to pick something out for them. Maybe then they’ll reconsider their complaining. Don’t stress, just tell them to get a dress to meet your requirements, or you’ll pick one out for them.

Post # 16
Member
2067 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@msdragon:  Stand your ground chica… You’ve selected very general things – I picked a dress and my BMs didn’t really have a say… They all agreed that they liked them, but I chose them… If your girls aren’t liking what you’ve asked, then they can just buy a cheap dress and not complain about it.

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