Post # 17
- Wedding: March 2010 - Calamigos Ranch
I’d plan (on paper) two alternate weddings–one of the guest list size you want, and one with the extra 30-40 people they are discussing, and tell them that if they pay the *entire* difference (and explain why the difference is more than per plate–that includes extra invitations, the larger venue, the extra centerpieces and linens, etc., and you should also be sure to include taxes and service charges if applicable) they can invite their extra people. And then be firm. If you show these numbers to your Fiance, he’ll probably see your perspective more.
If his family complains and isn’t happy with exactly what you’re able and willing to provide to everyone else, I think you should go ahead with what fits in your budget and with your vision.
Post # 18
So am I hearing this right that the inlaws want to invite people that you don’t think need to be invited, and they expect you to pay for it? And the inlaws aren’t contributing any money to the wedding?
I totally agree with hotchild. Show them exactly what you can afford and then maybe they will give you some more money if they are really worried about how that reflects on them (social status).
Why doesn’t FI’s dad want to pay for the reception? Are there underlying issues?
Post # 19
I am having the ceremony I want, at the church I want. As the ceremony is just a formality in FIs mind, he didn’t have any preference. The reception is just a formality in my mind, and the only preference I have is that if I have to exclude anyone from my guest list, it is because we are having a small wedding (like 80 guests in total instead of 120). I don’t want to exclude anyone for any other reason.
To me, a wedding, is the ceremony … it is that look on the grooms face when his bride walks down the aisle. And we will have that.
Post # 20
FIs dad would rather give us money to help with a downpayment on a house, when that time comes … he thinks (and its true) that receptions are a great way to piss away money. Also, he thinks we’re young (24 and 25) …but ultimately, it is because he is sensible with his money (which I agree).Their contribution would cover their guests at the reception, but right now, not anything else.
Post # 21
little miss- that actually sounds pretty good and financially smart!
I think you and your Fiance should discuss exactly what you see your wedding and reception being. Don’t get dragged into paying for a huge reception that you don’t even want. And it seems like FI’s dad would be on your side with not overspending on this.
Post # 22
Difficult situation! Is it possible that FI’s parents are really out of touch and think that $30 buys anything?? Is it possible that they think thier son has alot more money that he actually does and he is being tight so whay souldn’t they? Most important I think is to be very clear that you realize it is an event for them as well as for you (Someone’s going to smack me for that….I know it’s your wedding but in planning my own I have come to terms with that fact and obvioulsy that is kind of how they feel too….) and that their comfort is important to you….. Then maybe you can include them on the planning alittle – meaning getting first hand information on venue and plate cost, inviation cost etc. Maybe his Mom would be interested since she has two boys. It may contribute to nicer relations int he future. Otherwise, have it where your want and they can choose to invite or not!!
Post # 23
First off , i would approach this with sensitivity and with a calming voice …I would ask him if he cares much about what society dictates ? Maybe he agrees with his parents and doesn’t want to tell you ? tell him that you appreciate the fact that his parents are paying for the EXTRA pple they want to invite ,however he must realize that this wedding is about you 2 and that you want to invite pple you actually care about and not pple your REQUIRED to invite because HIS parents want to invite them..and because of there social status and such, he has to realize that his parents and their guest may not appreciate the wedding that you and him can afford ..
Do the parents know what ur ideas are for your wedding ? Like how you want to serve everyone ? What kind of food ? Something tells me , that if u tell them what kind of wedding u plan on having , they may not WANT TO invite there friends ..mention that what u want to do, is all u can AFFORD TO DO…if they want to mention somethings more suitable for their guest ..tell them once again U can’t afford to change your ideas ..for them ..UNLESS they were to help you out .. i don’t know if any of this helps you …so GOOD LUCK
Post # 24
I agree, show them an honest budget and what that money will get you. We had to do this with my FI’s mother because she just “had” to invite all these people, but we had been looking at smaller venues. We told her that if she wanted to add on so many, she would have to cover the cost of a larger, more expensive venue and all the extra work that comes with additional guests (more centerpieces, more paper products, etc).
It worked out for us because she was reasonable about it. I almost wish we had just turned her down from the start because I dislike that we have all of these “social status” guests, but what can ya do.
Post # 25
Nope, his parents are always planning large group shindings … they know how much stuff costs. And my original inclination was to involve his mom with stuff, because she doesn’t have a daughter … but I also thought that his parents would realize that they don’t have daughters (where their society dictates they would be responsible to foot the bill) and that FIs younger brother, has a girlfriend in the same standing … that they would offer to help out in a heartbeat. So now … its hard, because I understand I’ve not had to deal with the parental aspect of growing up and hte obligations, respect issues and all that stuff that comes with it. So, now, I’m just at a loss, because I don’t know what is reasonable for me to loosen up on, because I haven’t had to ever deal with it.
Thanks for the advice all …
Post # 26
I think that you should not worry about their “social obligations” and all that. Lay out for them what you can afford with YOUR budget and YOUR guest list, and the costs associated with bumping up the guests that they are adding. I would tack on all “indirect” costs as well, such as extra centerpieces, favors, larger venue costs, etc. If they give you the money to cover it, great; if they cause a scene about it not being fancy enough, then tough for them! They can’t have it both ways. Stick to your guns on this girl!
Post # 27
Now we’re arguing about it 🙁 This friggin sucks.