(Closed) a report on real life responses to registry cards in invitations

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 152
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169 posts
Blushing bee

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@MightySapphire: haha we all have our things we get crazy about. The important thing is eventually being able to snap out of it πŸ˜‰

Post # 153
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5822 posts
Bee Keeper

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@nut9108: Thanks for the reality check.  πŸ˜€  I needed that!

Post # 154
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4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Well, this is an interesting thread. And I’d like to include my thoughts on the matter.

When my wedding was still a go ahead (we’ve since taken “time off” from wedding planning and are just seeing where things are going), the registry was something that worried me. Typically in the south, weddings are done in a certain way, and I hadn’t been following really any of the traditions. Why should I start now?

I’ve been torn on what I should do when it comes time to send out the invitations.

A friend of mine got married in June, and only had a wedding website. Her younger guests and people on Facebook knew where she was registered, but in all actuality, maybe 15 our ot 65 guests knew where she was registered. She kept getting phone calls, and lots of people called more than once, because they had no idea how to get online and check.

I’m in a similar situation. Very few of my guests are computer savvy. Some don’t even own a computer, much less know how to use one. I’m probably going to include registry information on the invitation, along with a wedding website in the event that some of my not so computer savvy guests have gotten a little better. Something like, the bride and groom have provided their wedding website and are registered with here, here and here. Or something like that.

But, then again, my guests are people who know me quite well, and know that I don’t expect gifts just because I’m getting married.

 

Post # 155
Member
71 posts
Worker bee

This is such a funny thing for everyone to get riled about.  Sure, people have come to rely on registry info cards, but that doesn’t make them okay.  They were initiated by the stores themselves to drum up business.  Look in any etiquette guide and you will see that what Lisa has posted is “correct.”  Many people now do not care if they do what is “correct,” but their choices do not automatically change what is considered proper.  

The first time I received a registry card (a few years back) I cringed.  What, you are implying that I want to buy you a gift?  Now I just realize that everyone does them, so why should anyone know better?  Still doesn’t make it okay to solicit for gifts.  On the other hand, a bridal shower is specifically a gift-giving occasion, and it’s perfectly fine to list the bride’s choices in the shower invite. 

I could post tons of links to etiquette books, but people will do what they want to do. 

Post # 156
Member
4605 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I wouldn’t be including any registry information if I was having a bridal shower, but I’m not. I’m not cool with having a party where people are expected to give me gifts just because I’m getting married.

While the etiquette books may say it’s wrong, they also say wearing white or any shade of white at a wedding is improper, and I’ve seen that done as well. And, most brides don’t up and run to the store or browse for wedding ettiquette books the moment they get engaged, at least I didn’t, but the last that I want to hear about my wedding it that it was “proper”…

Most no no’s I’ve learned about wedding came from older ladies in my family, not some book. And nobody ever told me registry information in a wedding invite was a no no.

It’s obvious people have varied opinions on this, but I don’t see it as a statement that you have to buy me a gift. I see it as a ‘if you want to get a gift, we’re registered here’. But I guess it’s just implied in my social circle.

 

 

Post # 157
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714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@SouthernGirl:  I’ve seen people burp in public does that make it no longer rude or gross?  I’m sure a very eloquent argument could be made defending the practice but it would still be considered quite rude and with good and fairly obvious reason. 

And please, disagree with the etiqutte regarding registry cards if you wish but don’t do so under the misimpression that etiquette is about having your nose in the air and being “proper” – that’s missing the entire point.  Its about being a gracious hostess.  Its about not embarrasing yourself. 

Nothing about registry cards is with the comfort or convenience of the guests in mind.  Read the responses in this very thread (including yours) about the terrible fear that exists that guests won’t find out where you’re registered and they *gulp* might get you a gift you didn’t specifically choose yourself! 

While I agree with periwinkle that some people just don’t know any better, like her, I cringed the first time I received one and that was long before I knew the etiquette on them.  It just felt like a gift grab to me – that what the bridal couple was most concerned with was not my attendance at their wedding, but what gift I would give them.  And clearly, this opinion is shared by a great many people.  I would be willing to bet that this is so even within those social circles where people are claiming its expected or the norm because, lets face it, no one really knows how all their guests are going to feel about them.  Those people who are put off by them are hardly likely to call up and complain. 

 

Post # 158
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1692 posts
Bumble bee

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@MightySapphire:

“A registry is a list of gifts you want from your guests, right?” — no, only partially right, but that understanding is at the root of why you “don’t see how registering is ok but including the card in the invite isn’t.”

Long, long ago — for example, when I was ten or so — department stores retained *permanent* registries for their regular clients. The registry listed your china, crystal and silver patterns; what pieces of each you had already acquired; and what pieces you were planning to acquire next. In those days Stoke-on-Trent had stable industries: Spode and Waterford had never cancelled a pattern, and you had a reasonable chance that the pattern you chose in 1940 would still be for sale in 1990. Department stores would call or mail you to let you know of sales in one of your patterns or if a piece that you were collecting was about to be discontinued.And if you broke something (particularly if you broke something while a guest!) you could call and have it replaced and they already knew the size and pattern.

Because patterns were stable, aunts or grandmothers would take girls to pick their patterns at around ten or twelve: it was a rite of passage. You might get your first place setting as a twelth birthday present, and the department store would register your pattern then and there. You collected your pattern over the next dozen years or so. Sometimes paternal grandmas would give one place setting of silver every birthday and maternal grandmas would give one place setting of china, or some such arrangement. Incidentally, some families still do that kind of over-the-years collection of heirloom-quality silver and china. By the time those girls marry, they will have several place settings and other bits and pieces, and just need to fill in the gaps.

At which point guests of near-normal intelligence or better could go to the principle department stores, ask “do you have Miss Aspasia Phipps on registry here” and find out what bits and pieces you still needed. It had the fun factor of minor voyeurism, like sneaking a peak inside Miss Aspasia’s private cupboards, with general social acceptance. And it guaranteed that you didn’t accidentally send the wrong pattern.

THAT is the kind of registry that etiquette authors were thinking of back in the twentieth century when they decreed that HAVING a registry was perfectly acceptable.

The department stores that started keeping registries were just offering customer service: which admittedly, is the best way to increase profits in a stable community. The current “go mad with a scanner” registries that only last until shortly after your wedding and that encourage you to register for daily necessities and passing fashions are a rather materialistic mockery of that gracious (and vanishing) old form — but is probably a better way to make fast profits in largely transient communities. Calling it a “gift” registry or “wedding” registry rather than a “china registry” shows that the point of these new registries is rather different. And, to my mind, rather unpleasant.

There are very few department stores that keep permanent registries any more: it is more a matter of finding a local branch with an old-fashioned stubborn manager in the china department. But then, nowadays young women laugh at me when I suggest that they might like to serve sit-down dinners on formal china serving from steaming tureens of soup and heavy platters of roast; and can’t imagine committing to a single china pattern for more than a couple of years. And the pottery houses have responded by “updating” patterns so often that they have to cancel the beloved old ones and can no longer replace pieces anyway — or by going broke and shutting down! So there isn’t much point for registries, anymore, EXCEPT as a means of frenzied acquisition. You still aren’t supposed to put the cards in your invitations, but that little sop to etiquette doesn’t much improve the perception of consumerism that a trendy Crate-and-Barrel registry adds to your wedding for guests like me.

Post # 159
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I’ve seen other threads shut down….perhaps it is time for this thread to be ….no??

πŸ™‚

Post # 160
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@Missbliss: I 100% agtee with you (and lisa105’s general premise). Making a “wish list” is fine, but I don’t go handing it out to everyone family member and friend I see for Christmas. However, when my Future Mother-In-Law inevitably calls and asks what I want, I tell her to go to Anthropologie! πŸ™‚

AND, I think it is ridiuculous that people are saying they have NO IDEA how to find someone’s registry, when obviously everyone saying it is on the Bee all the freakin time, and thus internet savvy.

Step 1. Take a deep breath, since you are obviously stressed out.

Step 2. Go to TheKnot (just do it). Google the bride or groom’s name. If that doesn’t work, try other popular wedding sites (if you don’t know them, google “popular wedding registry sites.”) Search there.

Step 3. Hit up the regular stores, target, Bed Bath & Beyond, Crate & Barrel, etc. Whatever is familiar to you.

Step 4. Stll no luck? Google the bride and groom’s name

Step 5. Call/email/facebook/text/send an owl to a friend of the bride or groom, a fmaily member of the bride and groom, or the bride and groom themselves.

Your argument might be this would take to long, but I swear it does not, and besides we all spend all our time on the internet anyway so what else do you have to do besides plan your next argumentative post? πŸ˜‰

Post # 161
Member
219 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@Kitty Kat: I second that notion – especially since the entire discussion/argument/bicker fest has clearly steered away from the OP’s intentions. 

Let’s agree to disagree and move on for the love of pete.

Post # 162
Member
7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

HOw about we just agree that the etiquette police not attend weddings that they recv a registry card in the invite and the rest of us who really don’t care about Emily Post and her rules give our guest what they want?

We were just at Thanksgiving dinner and I asked everyone if they would be offended at registry cards in the wedding invites and I swear my aunt laughed for 15 minutes at the idea that they were tacky and implied that you wanted gifts.

“Well of course you want gifts! What real life bride 100% doesn’t care about gifts? How is it tacky that you are giving your guest a guide to want you want and an easy way to do it?”

Post # 163
Member
1986 posts
Buzzing bee

I won’t be putting registry cards in my invites because its bad etiquitte. It’s a simple rule not to break, if guests want to know they can call πŸ˜€

Post # 164
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1986 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Miss Tattoo: I am a real life bride who doesn’t care about gifts. 100%.

Post # 165
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7298 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Belle2Be: So if no one got you a gift or a card, you wouldn’t be here venting about it after the wedding? I mean, go look at the threads, “My bridesmaids didn’t get me anything.” “should I write thank you cards to people who didn’t get me a gift?” “I can’t believe we didn’t get gifts!” “We had 250 people and only got 75 cards.” “Don’t count on making your wedding costs in gifts because we got jipped.”

Now those are the exact titles, but there are threads out there like it. If brides 100% did not care about gifts then they wouldn’t complain when they didn’t get them.

I can be honest with myself and say I would be pretty bummed if no one got us anything.

Post # 166
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1986 posts
Buzzing bee

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@Miss Tattoo: Nope, not even a little. I don’t even plan on registering, we don’t want anything but our guests to come to our wedding and to enjoy themselves. And we will write Thank You cards to everyone just for attending. I can also be honest with myself and say with 100% certainty we don’t want anything but their presence.

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