(Closed) A rose is a rose is a rose! Not a verbal booby trap!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

to cut right to the chase: has he been like this from day one?

Post # 4
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

Have you read the 5 languages of love?? That might help?

You could also ask him what he means after he says something. Yes, it can get annoying, but maybe he will then realize that he needs to be more direct with you.

I can see how frustrating it can be!!

Post # 5
Member
5096 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

@claireos: I think the thing is that you both need to accept that the other person’s communication style is not going to change. That means he accepts that you mean what you say; and you accept that he is speaking in metaphors.  If it makes you too miserable and stressed out, he’s not hte guy for you, because that’s the sort of thing that will build up your frustration over time.

Post # 6
Member
46331 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Can’t both of you just ask clarifying questions?

Him: I love football

You: Do you mean you love playing  football?

Him: No, I mean I want to go to the football game with my buddies on Friday night.

If you use this technique, he will begin to understand that you mean exactly what you say, and he will learn to communicate more directly.

Post # 9
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I hope you can find a solution because communication is soooo important to a relationship and to spend that much energy on such simple things is exhausting. Can you imagine what communicating will be like when you are a sleep deprived new parent?

Good Luck and let us know what worked for you.

Post # 10
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

Seems like this is a coping method and way of communicating he has had for a LONG time. In order to make something like counseling work and the relationship continue , he has to WANT to help you understand his code and also manage it in a way that everyone is on the same  page.

I’m not by any means suggesting you dump him and what not but do consider yourself in a lifetime with this man and what that entails! 

Post # 12
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I personally find a lot of communication styles are coping methods. Theres a chance SO is expending conscious effort to solve personal and interpersonal problems, and seeking to master, minimize or tolerate stress or conflict with his ambiguity.

I’m not sure what your other hiccups are but could his unwillingness to communicate be piggybacking with those issues or holding him back?

Post # 13
Member
5886 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Does he see this as a problem? Does he want to put the energy into it to communicate better? Why do you want to stay with him?

I only ask because my BFF married someone and their communication style clashes sometimes when they are cranky. So simple things spiral out of control. And I see how difficult it can be on her. But if it’s simple things like where to eat for dinner, Ugh I’m just exhausted thinking about it.

I dated someone who never understood that I’m like you, I say what I mean. When you ask where I want to go for dinner, and I say, I don’t care, I really mean–I don’t care. We dated for almost 2 years and Every Time (and I mean EVERY TIME) we had to choose where to go to dinner it took us 15 mins of back and forth. Because he swore if he he chose a place, I would hate it and be mad at him. I never did hate it and was never mad at him. But some ex-gf  somewhere got mad at him, so he thought I would too. So eventually after 15 mins of back and forth, where do you want to go, i don’t care, no really where do you want to go, really I don’t care- you choose… I would randomly pick a place (usually his fave chinese buffet, because really I DIDN’T CARE where we went). I was another 15 mins of ‘are you sure that’s where you want to go, because we can go somewhere else…’

And that’s just on decision we had to make together. Every decision was like this. I don’t know why I stayed with him for so long. More than anything, I *wanted* it to work out and I thought with time he would finally stop thinking I reacted to things like his ex-gf. In the end, I had to walk away. He cried when we broke up, but I was so exhausted dealing with him, that I never shed a tear.

Post # 15
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I can see how you feel the way you do! You are certainly not crazy and have good reason to be seeking help.

Ambiguity has really reared its head in many levels. An electronic relationship is very ambiguous endeavor since no one really knows the other person in the physical. The behind the screen, gives a lot of room for interpratation as well. Then there is his literal communication which as you know is beyond cryptic.

Its great that things are improving around the house and your self worth is being respected on a greater level. I bet his buddies struggled with the same communication failures you did but learned to interpret. Perhaps they can offer you advice or give you insight?! do you know his family well?-perhaps someone like his mom or sister has struggled with the same thing and would help you view him in a different light.

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