Post # 1
After the proposal I started tearing up, but I pushed it down and went to sleep because I knew that I had no way to describe to my man what I was feeling. In the morning after he left I went into full on sobbing mode. I worried that this was a bad sign, but I finally let myself be in the moment and feel my emotions to work through them.
It was all very strange to me. We have been talking about marriage for over a year. We have talked kids and some preferences for the wedding. The week before he confirmed my ring size and what I wanted. I had previously been very anxious while waiting for the propsal to happen because we passed our 1 year mark from the date we are planning on. After many times of “Is he going to do it now?”I decided to get him a ring and “propose” to him. I had planned it to be private so that he could say no because I knew that he wanted to be the one to propose. However, having the ring for him made me understand certain things and gave me some control. I mainly wanted it as a conversation starter that was easier than asking him “What’s taking so long?” He brought up the conversation before I could propose to him and let me know that acessing his bank account was the hold up. After this conversation I learned patience and acceptance and to be more in the moment than to worry about it.
The week before the proposal I was feeling bored. I knew better than say that I was feeling bored in our relationship, but I also knew that we were both very busy with our schedules being very different. I also identified some things that I felt we had been slacking off on since we moved in together vs when we were dating. I had just suggested some of these things-date night, more time for foreplay(sorry if tmi), etc. when he proposed.
I knew that the sobbing was also probably amplified by my pms, but I explored what I was feelign so that I could communicate it to others. I connected it to the same feeling that I felt a week and a half before. I had to put my childhood dog to sleep because she had gotten very sick. I knew it was the most humane thing for her and I expected to be much stronger than I was at the vet’s office. At that moment, I cried and wished I could have done more for her. I felt a lot of sadness at her loss and I felt this same sadness after the engagement.
I didn’t expect the ring to make much of any difference since we had basically started planning. I understand now that I was feeling how my relationship with my family will change through this process. I also feel the door closing on certain parts of my life that I had not yet mourned the loss of.
I know now that it is a totally ok thing to go through, but would like to hear your stories of emotions that surprised you in your engagement.
Post # 3
I’m still waiting for the actual proposal, so we’ll see how i react to it. I do know what you mean about sometimes having counterintuitive emotional reactions to things, exploring them, and (if i understood your situation correctly) realizing they are not actually indicating that anything is wrong, they were just not what you expected you’d feel.
I didn’t think I would know this much about how he has the ring and how and when he’s probably planning to propose and i would have thought that would have “spoiled it” for both of us. However, i don’t find it’s “spoiling it” at all so far. He doesn’t seem too down on us for “ruining our own surprise” and I’m perfectly happy about it. I’m actually sort of using wedding bee right now to tease myself into anticipating the proposal even more. After all, i dont know everything about his plans… Heck its not even 100% guaranteed that it will happen (only 99.99999999%, lol). If i had no idea it was coming, well, there would be no anticipatory buildup, would there? So this is like proposal foreplay 😉
I hope his and my emotional reactions after the proposal continue to be good, but if not, I’m sure we’ll sort it out and grow from it, just as it sounds you’ve done.
Post # 4
Reactions are sure to be different from different people but…
When my bf and i started talking about marriage, we both got excited with the thought of being together until we grow old. When he proposed, it was a very very happy moment for both of us. I cant stop smiling. He cant stop smiling. Now 8 months into the wedding planning and we’re both so excited for that day we’d finally be husband and wife.
I think if you love someone so much, you cant wait to spend the rest of your life with him.
..but that could be just me.
Post # 5
I can see your point. after my fiancé proposed I was so excited and I was excited for like 3 weeks after the fact. But I still live at home with my parents and now we are talking about buying a house and I’m really sad to leave home. I know we all have to leave sometime, and by the time I move out I will be almost 28 but that’s what I’m more nervous about, since I never ever lived away from home for a long extended period of time.
Im excited to spend the rest of my life with my fiancé but nervous to become a “real” adult.
Post # 6
I think I know where you’re coming from. While I call him my Fiance because we have started the planning process, I don’t have a ring (and we’ve decided he is getting a ring for me and we are doing a proposal). Honestly, it’s kind of fun “waiting.” I know most bees don’t feel that way, but I like it. I like us teasing each other – sometimes, he’ll say something like, “I hope your nails are done this weekend” or something and it will get my hopes up just a bit and then it doesn’t come and I’m ok with that. Sometimes I’ll go around singing, “If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it..” lol and we tease each other. I think it’s the comfort of knowing that it’s going to come and when it comes it will be the right time for us. I’m not in any rush. I’m 28 and that was much older than I wanted to be when I was 16 and planning my life out, but I’m not 16 anymore and you can’t plan everything in life. I’m enjoying this time in my life right now.
However, there was a moment or two where I thought about how I’d feel if he actually did propose and I realized, it would be the end of something and it made me sad. I’m not sure what would end. I tried to sort through the feelings, but it was fleeting. Honestly, I feel like I missed out on a lot of things in life – I never got to live on my own (I’m still living with him and my parents), I never got to go away for college, I never just dated around a lot of different guys just to date, they almost always ended up being serious long term relationships, I never got to just be single and free. It’s weird, because I don’t feel restricted in the relationship or suffocated. I go out with just girls if I want to and the truth is that the reason why I don’t is because ALL my friends are in relationships (they’re all engaged, married or have long term relationships and are getting to the engaged part) except for like 1 or 2 and those are the girls I go out with alone. But, sometimes I miss girls nights. And I had my clubbing days, but IDK, there’s something that I feel like I missed out on. It’s definitely too late to turn back now and I just have to keep reminding myself that what’s to come is better than what I missed out on.
Is that sort of like what you’re feeling? Because you compared the feelings after being proposed to the loss and mourning you felt over your dog (which, I’m sorry for your loss, I’m sure that was very difficult for you *hug*). I think that’s how I felt for a moment and how I feel sometimes when I think about it – like I’ve lost something because I’ve missed out on some part of life.
Well, at least we know we’re not alone. *hug*
ETA: I did want to add that I do get very excited when I think about our future together. We’re moving from NY to SC in about 6 weeks and I’m excited to embark on the next stage of our relationship. I’m excited to finally be living on our own and I’m excited to live in a new place and I’m excited to possibly go solo (lawyer) or find a job that suits me down there and start anew. I think that once we do that, I’ll stop feeling like I missed out on something in life.
Post # 7
I think your feelings are normal for a lot of people. Fiance and I have been dating since we were sixteen and a few weeks after he proposed I just started crying out of nowhere. It hit me that we would never be children again, and that we would never be boyfriend and girlfriend again. It was very weird. We also are not living together until marriage, and there is a mentally challenged person who lives behind me and always sings and plays the guitar. I realized I would never hear him sing again, or wake up to my little sisters being too loud after we moved in together.
I do not believe these feelings mean we do not love our FI’s. I cannot wait to be his wife, and live together, but that doesn’t mean I can’t mourn for the life we had as well.
Post # 8
Maybe your reaction had something to do with mourning your dog.
I know i would have been feeling the same as you did if i had to put my dog to sleep and then being proposed, even thought i DO want to spend my whole life with my Darling Husband.
Both things where a very important events in your life.
I say you should wait a bit to see if that feeling fades. If after a month the feeling it’s still there… then there’s something going on.
Post # 9
I am totally serene and happy now, so I don’t worry about it. However, some background on me: I’m 23, I finished my bachelor’s degree when I was 20. Right after I lost a job in my field and broke up with a long time boyfriend, I met my fiance. On the night we met, he had just gotten back from Basic Training and couldn’t stop talking about it, so it has been no surprise that he is in the Army.
Calling my family to tell them about the engagement triggered the sadness. My dad’s response was the same as when he opens a Christmas present that he bought for himself. Since Fiance got told he had gotten active duty, they expected that it was coming.
So it wasn’t the ring necessarily, it was announcing it to my family. I realized how my relationship with them will change by my identity shifting to not just “wife” but “Army Wife.” I mourned the end of stages of life that were now done. I am now expected to be an adult, a lady, and to “have my shit together.” Even though I’m already living 3 hours away from my parents, with him, and with a full time job, having to make to announcement to my family sealed the deal.
I totally and absolutely want to marry this man, I just realize that I am in an identity shift and can mourn the loss of things that I wouldn’t have done anyway.
Thank you mrskopp2be for understanding.
Post # 10
I think you’re right, a lot of people do go through something like this. My fiance & I have been together 9 years & have lived together for 8 so we are really open with one another. We were both excited right after the engagement, but were able to talk about both feeling weird for a few days after. Now we’re both excited and enjoying the planning.
But I think some of the other ladies here are right. There is a significant shift in our lives once we realize we’re getting married & it’s something we don’t expect. I can think of a few times in my life where I have felt sad or scared moving into a new place in my life. Like starting a new job, or making a big purchase like a car or house. I think it can be really scarry to think about the huge commitment that marriage is. All I can really say is try not to let that be the thing that weighs on your mind. And if you can’t stop thinking about it, maybe it is time to re-asess. But I really hope that this feeling goes away & you can just enjoy the engagement!
Post # 11
I cried, cried and cried… Then sobbed for about 2 weeks after getting engaged. And I know I’m happy! For me, it’s a new identity. Saying good bye to the former me and hello to someone’s wife.
Hugs. Big hugs.