(Closed) A slow relationship or something to be concerned about..

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
963 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I think you are overreacting a bit and being a little passive aggressive. Guys don’t always have the emotional sense that women do, so a day or two of phone calls may not be a big deal to him like it is to you. I suggest that you work on communicating your needs clearly. He can’t read your mind so if you want to talk to him, call him and say I want to talk to you.

Honestly, it sounds like he is really busy and wants to start this relationship without giving up his personal independence. LDR is tough because you can’t really spend time doing stuff together and it’s even tougher for someone who just doesn’t like talking on the phone. I don’t think that him being too busy to call for very long is enough to say he’s not into you, but if you are getting that vibe in other areas of the relationship, then it may be a possibility.

ETA: Sorry I don’t mean to come off as harsh, I know it’s very easy to get wrapped up and overanalyze things sometimes

Post # 4
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

You just met so I think you need to calm down a bit.  Just enjoy yourself and don’t worry about analyzing everything.  You said he doesn’t like talking on the phone so maybe he just doesn’t like talking on the phone.  Like the PP said, if you want to talk to him call him.

Post # 5
2575 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2010


I think you might be scaring him off by being too intense, and a little needy.


Post # 6
802 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My husband and I started off as LD, and at first phone calls were an issue.  I needed them way more than he did.  We’d been friends for YEARS, we just hadn’t dated.

I expressed to him that I needed more communication because we were so far apart, and he expressed that he needed alone time.  We eventually worked out a system, but we had to have a big, scary, is-this-just-doomed-because-men-are-from-mars-and-women-are-from-venus-and-long-distance??? talk.  It clearly worked out, but it was rough at the beginning.

Ease up a little bit on him.  Tell him that when he calls you before bed, it’s like a hug.  You feel affection across the distance and it helps to maintain that feeling of closeness.  Ask him if there’s anything you can do to make it easier…maybe he calls and you always want more time when he is thinking, “We’re literally talking about nothing.”  He’s probably having the same insecurities that you are and it won’t help either of you if he is dwelling on how you are having a conversation about nothing.  So, you can say something like as long as you talk every night, it doesn’t matter if it’s for just 5 minutes.  Unless that’s not acceptable to you.

Either way, the beginning is rough.  Good luck, I know it’s hard, but stick it out! 

Post # 7
1583 posts
Bumble bee

@lakamo:  he sounds terrible.


by that I mean like my ldr ex.


I lived abroad for awhile and in the midst of a trip home met someone. I thought we could make a go of it, but once I went back he changed. Then, months later he wanted to re-kindle things (once i was back).

I think you should be true to yourself and your plan. Do not simply give your life up to age…as many women online do. Youre story can be so much better. Only give to a man who gives to you in return.

 and you shouldn’t have to talk yourself or your friends into it. if you do, one of the two is wrong.

Post # 8
3106 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I think it’s normal to want to chat every night BUT you don’t want to force him into a chore. Ease up and follow his lead. Get busy. Miss his call occasionally- not to play games but don’t sit around waiting & hoping. 

At this point I honestly think you should be open to dating other people. There is no need to rush into exclusivity when his feelings are in a different place. 

Post # 9
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

If you’re used to having a lot of constant texting and phone calls in your previous relationships, I can see how this would be frustrating to you. I think that this could be something to be concerned about, or not. It really depends on a few things.

When you said that “things progressed very quickly” in the beginning … I assume you mean that you either slept together early on, OR if you didn’t sleep together yet, you were spending a great deal of time together on the phone or texting, sharing a lot of intimate and private details about your lives early on?

Sometimes when couples become deeply involved with each other before the relationship is completely defined, the woman can become anxious because she feels so emotionally bonded to her SO, but there hasn’t yet been enough time for her to know what his “love language” is. Some guys show their love with lots of phone calls. Other guys show their love by doing things to help you, or bringing you your favorite food, or leaving a love note on the refrigerator.

So until the woman knows the guy better, it’s hard to say whether he is really being sincere with her, vs. stringing her along for benefits, whether that would be sex or just having arm candy on weekends.

It sounds like your BF is making you feel really special and wanted when you two are together – that is a great sign. It’s also a good sign that he asked you to be his girlfriend.

You said he’s a full time student who also is working 35 hours a week? That is an insane schedule. It sounds like he has a high work ethic and he is a real go-getter. That is a good thing! If I were you, I would sit tight and let this play out a little longer. I also would NOT make an issue of asking him to call you every night because IMO you might make him feel pressured. Maybe he is an every other night phone call kind of guy?

I would just keep my ear to the ground, keep paying attention to his signals and listen carefully to what he does, as well as what he doesn’t do.

If it makes you feel any better — when my DH and I were dating, I also was frustrated sometimes because my DH is not a “phone” person. He also has a super busy work schedule. When we first started dating, we had short phone calls maybe twice a week. He also does not text at all — he hates technology, LOL. However, when we were together in person, he let me know in no uncertain terms that I was special to him, that he treasured me, that I was “the one,” etc.

I waited until we had been dating many months before I started letting him know that I needed more frequent contact. At that point we started talking on the phone for an hour or more, every other night. Like you, I would have rather had nightly phone calls, but I made that compromise because I knew that DH was showing me in many other ways that he loved me.

Good luck!


Post # 10
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

I think he’s probably just busy and doing the best he can. I think you need to give the poor guy a break/a night off. Even when my husband and I were first dating we didn’t talk or hang out every night and now married we definitely don’t. 

Post # 11
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Hello! Sorry to hear that you are so frustrated with your situation.  To help put things in perspective for you, my Fiance and have been together six years and have done half of it long distance.  We almost never text during the day and we chat about six days a week before bed.  We usually chat around the same time each night and if one of us is going out or is otherwise busy at that time we send a text and just catch up the next day.  It sounds to me like you’re coming on a bit strong.  I completely understand why you want to talk to him every night, but if you lived closer would you see each other everyday when you just started dating?  Probably not.  I would give him some more space.  I don’t think your guy is being a jerk so much as he probably just does not want to talk on the phone every night and doesn’t know how to tell you that.  Also, try not to get upset if he is out having fun instead of being on the phone with you.  If he is a student and working, he needs play time, too.  I wish you good luck.  Long distance is not for the faint of heart.  It takes hard work and lots of compromise. 


Post # 12
868 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

hey there! just one thing– he might need to get into the routine of calling you? I’m guessing that as the relationship deepens he’ll get to the place where he’ll be really depending on those nighttime calls.

Post # 13
1398 posts
Bumble bee

I think he was tired so he went to sleep.  You are asking too much of him.  

Post # 14
1718 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

View original reply
@BelliniChic: Ditto!

Your relationship eerily sounds like mine and the DH.  lol  We are a LDR 1.5 hours (still are!) apart and the DH didn’t like to make phone calls and barely talked to me.  After a couple of months, communication came more often and was more fluid.

I think that since your relationship is a bit new and LDR, it is hard to feel that connection without communication but you also need to understand that not every guy wants to be on the phone all the time.  Especially since your BF is working and at school, it is hard for him to the same schedule and time to text/call and have the conversation that you want.  Talk to him about your concerns but cut him some slack for now.

Edit:  FWIW, DH and I don’t communicate over the phone.  In a year, we talk on the phone about 20 minutes?  We mainly communicate over BBM or emails. 

Post # 15
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Perhaps one of the reasons he is not into a LDR relationship is because he does NOT enjoy talking on the phone.  I do not mean that in a bad/harsh way, but someone like my SO would be in the same boat too.  My SO HATES HATES HATES talking on the phone.  Not an issue unless I am away for an extended period of time – say, for work – and it is pulling teeth to get him to chat.  It just makes him uncomfortable/is boring for him.  Add to that the expectation to do it every night, well, forget it.  Heck, there are some nights, after long days, where the thougth of picking up the phone/talking to people makes me irritable…

My point is this, yes communicating is important in any relationship, but maybe the way you want him to communicate with you is not ideal for him.  I would absolutely share your ‘concerns’, but not in way that makes you sound ‘needy’.  Just tell him that you need to find a way of communicating with him that he is OK with.  Maybe instead of every night, you are ‘scheduling’ long phone chats a few evenings a week, and then texting in between.  Or, maybe it is simple as him sharing with you that he does not feel like talking on the nights he is too tired.  With that being said, you would have to accept that your feelings would not be hurt.

Obviously, if he is not willing to commit to phone ‘dates’, and you feel that your communication is just not there, then this may not be the relationship for you?! Good luck!

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