A son is your son till he takes a wife

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Have you talked to your son as an adult? He will soon be a father and responsible for his own family. It sounds like you are still coddling him and treating him as an infant. Your post title implies too that you blame his wife (since he got married), which is not fair to him or his choice of spouse. 

Post # 3
Member
2099 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

Bella1677 :  he’s your third child but the love of your life since he was born? Does that mean you’ve molly coddled him throughout his entire life and now he’s maybe distancing himself and setting boundaries – which you take as him not involving you? Perhaps your other son is also different because he didn’t receive the attention growing up, as his brother was the love of your life and maybe making up for it now. Or maybe, they’re different people. Just because they’re both your sons means they act the same way, think the same, do things the same way – they are both two different adults.

Have you spoken to your son? Have you offered to hold things at your house? Why do her parents make you feel uncomfortable? Have they said something to you or done something? I think it’s natural to change a little when you get married, you have a second family, a family you chose and we’re obviously only getting your side but if your family is making your sons wife fed uncomfortable, he’s right to choose her. I say your family might be making her uncomfortable because your post lays the blame quite squarely on her, that since she’s in his life he’s changed. Your son has no apparent involvement in who he lets in his life

Post # 4
Member
6460 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

A lot of people who come on here to complain about their mothers in law are encouraged to check out DWIL Nation. Maybe you should check it out to see how Daughters in Law sometimes feel when dealing with a Mother-In-Law situation. It might give you a different perspective.

PS- If you have several kids and specifically call your third kid the love of your life that’s kind of crappy to your other kids and also to whoever helped you make them.

Post # 5
Member
2456 posts
Buzzing bee

Old lady and mom of two sons here.

If you continue to try to relate to him as anything but adult to adult, you are doomed to failure.

I am the VERY proud Mother-In-Law of two WONDERFUL women. Are they flawless? Nope. Neither am I. 

Because of a series of complicated situations we see one of our grandchildren more than the other, and we’d LOVE to see both of them all the time. Would my complaining or demanding increase the time we’d see them? No!

I’m fiercely proud that my sons EACH chose competent women as spouses. I would NEVER wish to represent a complication in either of their lives. 

How would you propose navigating a “confrontation”? OF COURSE a MAN changes when he marries and has children. I am SO grateful that BOTH of my sons have become wonderful dads and fathers.

I LOVE BOTH of my sons, perhaps differently because they are different men, but certainly equally as deeply.

Consider your choices and decisions VERY CAREFULLY. Decide what you can do to encourage all your children to enjoy adult relationships with you.

Post # 6
Member
596 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Maybe they both find comments like your son being ‘the love of your life’ off putting.

Post # 7
Member
11535 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

we do not have control over other people, so even if everyone agreed with you that your son’ s wife was a horrible person, it would change nothing.

This is a fact that often gets overlooked on these boards. It does not matter if you are right. It won’t change anything. It doesn’t matter if you are entitled to more. It won’t change other people’s decisions. 

If you wish to change things, you need to step away from your feelings and start addressing the facts, including the first fact that you might not have any control over it, because your son is an adult who is allowed to make decisions you don’t like. 

Here are your options.

1) express your feelings with respect for his status as an adult. If you have done this (and I doubt you have, based on the tone of your OP), and they choose to spend all of their time at her parents’ house, you have no choice but to accept this decision – a decision your SON made.

2) if you expressed yourself as you did here, blaming his wife for a grown up man’s decisions, then this is where you have control over a factor impacting the situation. Apologize for not respecting him and his marriage and his wife, and  seek to establish a new relationship based on mutual respect. It’s possible that a genuine effort on your part  might invite them to want to spend more time with you.

 

also, the love of your life? That is so uncool to your other kids and inappropriate to say about a grown child of either gender. It’s way too much burden and expectation on a child. 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
56 posts
Worker bee

I’m the daughter in law of a particularly unpleasant mother in law and myself and my husband tend to avoid her except for the bare minimum, I.E Christmas. She said some very unkind things to us a few months before our wedding and since then refuses to acknowledge how hurtful she was or apologise. We’d happily talk it through with her and would love to move forward but need her to admit her responsibility and apologise first which she won’t do so she consequently has little to no relationship with either of us.

I’m not insinuating that you’re a bad person but maybe you said or did something that hurt or upset either of them and they feel the need to keep their distance as a result. I think you should talk to them, explain how you feel and ask if there’s an issue which has caused the distance. It could be that they’re just busy with married life and preparing for a new baby which is perfectly normal and you must respect boundaries in that matter as it’s important they carve their own lives.  

Also, the whole ‘a son is a son until he takes a wife’ phrase is deeply insulting to a daughter in law. It’s normal for a son to meet someone, move on and make a life with them. If they didn’t, all that would mean is generations of sons living at home and depending on their mummies all their lives and what in the world is normal or healthy about that? The human race would diminish for a start. If you’re experiencing ’empty nest’ syndrome then it’s time to work on building a life for yourself where your children aren’t the only focus.

Sorry if I seem brutal but as a daughter in law who’s on the receiving end of something similar I feel I have to speak up.

Post # 9
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee

louise66 :  Also, the whole ‘a son is a son until he takes a wife’ phrase is deeply insulting to a daughter in law.
 This. 

I spend quite a bit of time with my ILs, I encourage my Darling Husband to spend time with them because I hate the idea that if he chooses not to see them as often, that this is the outlook people have, that its MY fault. They often say/do things that rub me the wrong way or hurt my feelings, but I wouldn’t tell my husband to stop seeing them.

Also, I’m incredibly put off by your THIRD child being the “love of your life”. 

Post # 10
Member
3875 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m not going to harp on the “love of my life” comment as others have been focusing on, because to me, that’s just a saying. I’ve heard that said for many people that were not a romantic partner. I take it to mean that OP felt a great and (understandably) powerful love for her child. And at no point did she imply that she didn’t feel that way about her other children–she isn’t talking about them in this circumstance. 

OP, in this circumstance, I would try to step back and gain a little perspective. Was this a gradual shift or was this something that abruptly happened? Do you invite your son and wife to events and they opt not to show, or are you expecting them to constantly be including you in everything? Take my Mother-In-Law for example: She never invites Darling Husband and I to do anything with her. We have to invite ourselves over for holidays. However, if we do something with my parents like a trip or an event (one that was more than likely planned by my mother), my Mother-In-Law gets incredibly jealous and starts talking about how we never want to see her, how I’ve stolen her son, how we purposely exclude her. In my circumstance, I’m of the mindset that things work both ways. We invite ourselves out to see her on a semi-regular basis, but when we lived in our apartment ten minutes from her, she only came to see us there once. She doesn’t call Darling Husband, but will randomly text him that he’s not being a good son because HE never calls HER. 

Basically, is your relationship with your son and DIL a give and take? Are they choosing to prioritize her family over yours? Are you showing an interest in their life while also keeping a respectful distance? 

You also say that your DIL’s family makes you uncomfortable. What exactly is causing you to feel this way? Are they implying you aren’t “as good as them” or is this something that you may be ballooning due to your already established feelings of being left out? 

My suggestion would be to start inviting your son and DIL to more things at your home. Even if you are putting in 100% of the effort right now, I’d make sure it is known to them that you want to be a part of their life, but are respecting any boundaries they have set. 

Post # 11
Member
44 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Hate that you are having this problem! I go out of my way to include my out of state Mother-In-Law, I cant even imagine not including her. I suggest you speak with him, because you dont want to miss out on having him in your life or your new grandbaby. You have great opening with the new baby though, living so closely you could be a huge help!

 

My Mother-In-Law has another son like this and she has never said anything so she has continued to be excluded, I suggest you say something, nothing can be worse.

Post # 11
Member
11 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2019

Bella1677 : 

Do you want to be there for things that your DIL should instead be a part of? Are you willing to let your son be his own man in his own life without you there at every turn? Is it really your responsibility to baby him and mother him when he is a grown man with a wife and child? Isn’t it your DIL’s turn to care for her husband without you there for every single gathering?

This sounds a lot like a situation I am familiar with.  Your post sounds a lot like my future Mother-In-Law.  She has babied her sons to the point where it is very weird at times how much she wants to be a part of their lives.  She doesn’t want to let her future DIL take care of her son because she wants to be there instead.  She wants to wash and iron their clothes, cook for them, and just do very strange things that border on inappropriate and weird.

A mom isn’t supposed to be a wife to her sons…”love of your life?” that is weird and borderline incestuous.  If I heard my Mother-In-Law say that about my fiance, I would have severe issues with that.  Your time of caring for your sons in that capacity was over once he became a man, married, with his own children.  Your job is to support your grown son and the devlopment of his family the way he wants to do it, not to baby him as though he was still a child.  Grown people need space to live their lives. 

You should be careful about how hard you push your DIL and son as they are having their own children.  Be careful about blaming your DIL as this could be an issue with access to your grandchild and being a part of their lives. 

Number one suggestion is to have a mature and calm conversartion with your son and DIL at the same time, express what you have been feeling and see if there is anything you can do.  Maybe you have been too involved in their lives and they need space.  Maybe there is something else, but you won’t know until you communicate with them.

 

Post # 12
Member
392 posts
Helper bee

“Love of my life” is just a saying, and I’ve heard many parents say that about their children, including my own mom. She always says that me and my two brothers are the three great loves of her life. Borderline incestuous?? Give me a freaking break. It’s really starting to become that anyone can’t post anything around here anymore without being attacked. 

OP – if I were you I would just talk to my son and say that you’d like to be included more/spend more time with them. I would try to do that in a very unconfrontational way. Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
3442 posts
Sugar bee

I guess it’s not weird to me that you aren’t invited to stuff at her parents’ house – some people do things separately. However, since you used to be invited, ask your son what is going on. Maybe they know you feel uncomfortable there and are doing you a favor. 

Whatever you do, do not assume that your DIL is the problem and the one making all these changes. I presume you raised a competent son capable of making his own decisions. 

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