(Closed) A speech Trio? Also advise on SIL as a bridesmaid

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
4095 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - Canada

I think it would be cute to have your 3 friends give a speech together, seeing as though you all are equally close. 

As for your SIL, you asked her so now it’s up to her. I would follow up with her and just say “Hey SIL. I know being a bridesmaid is expensive and a big responsibility, so I absolutely understand if you would rather attend the wedding as a guest. I won’t be offended at all if you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, just please let me know what you decide.”

I recently asked a friend to be a bridesmaid and as soon as she hesitated, I said “You can say no, I wont be upset!” and she replied with “Oh thank god” lol. Being a bridesmaid isnt as fun as you get older. Weddings are already expensive and especially for women, there’s a lot of pressure to be involved in extra activities that some women would rather not be involved in, plus the added responsibility the day of and the awkwardness of what to do with your spouse if they dont know many people there.. lol. Some women, especially if they have their own lives and families to worry about, are much happier attending as guests. You gave her the option to think about it but it might be good to assure your SIL that you wont be upset if she declines. 

Post # 3
Member
2023 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I have a bit of a different perspective on it. I don’t think being a bridesmaid should really be a big responsibility. I understand though that bridesmaids may be expected to throw parties for the bride and help her with DIY projects, etc. Could that be part of her hesitation? If she is already spending money on your destination wedding, she may be dreading any extra obligations that cost money.

My two bridesmaids were my SILs. They wore what they wanted and had no obligations but to walk down the aisle on the wedding day. So, no responsibilities. Lol. Two good friends threw me a bachelorette and the two SILs attended. As for speeches, we had one SIL (husband’s sister) and one of my friends make a speech (along with very short ones from my dad, husband’s best man’s wife, and our officiant). I don’t think you need to stick to ridgid rules about who gives a speech and who doesn’t. If your SIL decides to be a bridesmaid, I think it would be absolutely fine if she didn’t also have to give a speech. I am guessing she would be relieved.

Post # 4
Member
10825 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I just think speeches, whoever gives them, should be really short and more akin  to the traditional idea of a toast. 

 

Post # 5
Member
1482 posts
Bumble bee

You’re thinking way too much into this. Offer the option of a short speech to each bridal party member and stress that they do not have to do one. Most ppl stop listening closely after the first 30 seconds so don’t stress about how to coordinate it amongst each one.

For your SIL, you already asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man, so just follow up with her to confirm and don’t leave the convo hanging. 

Post # 6
Member
1646 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Can you skip the speeches? Honestly, i usually dread them and they always drag on forever. I think with 3 people taking turns, it’s going to be way too long. If neither of you have a “bff” it’s totally fine to skip the MOH/BM and the associated traditional role of speech giver.  The only speech at our wedding was FOB even though we both had a person of honor. I just didn’t like the idea of putting anyone on the spot to do a public speech. 

Post # 7
Member
3486 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

As a bridesmaid who has just been asked to give a group speech.. I say don’t request this of your ladies. Wait until someone offers to or let it go. To be honest I am kind of pissed that I am being forced to give a speech.. but there is pretty much no way I could have refused. I never asked anyone to speak at our wedding, those that were interested volunteered. 

It sounds like your SIL is not keen on being a bridesmaid. It is much more understandable that you were asked to be her bridesmaid (as your brother was the groom), whereas because you aren’t really close she was probably shocked that you even considered asking her. I would bring it up to her and give her a genuine out with no hard feelings.

Post # 9
Member
3293 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

My bet is SIL is pregnant or TTC but isn’t ready to announce yet. 

As for the speeches, traditionally it’s only best man, Father of the bride and groom that give them so you can leave your maids off if you want. 

View original reply
afrat240 :  

Post # 10
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

You don’t need to do speeches at all if you don’t want to, you don’t need a wedding party either. I am not a fan of the group speech idea- you could ask the 3 girls to decide among them or not have them do one at all and just have your Dad do the toast. I’m not a fan of speeches, some people ramble (though they are told not to), they tell something embarrassing thinking it will be funny when its not, it can be inappropriate stories, or just a lot of inside jokes. As you can probably guess I’m not having speeches at my wedding.

Also, let you SIL decide. Just because you were involved in her wedding doesn’t mean you need to return the ‘favor’. 

Post # 11
Member
2318 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

My friend also did not pick one Maid/Matron of Honor at her desiniation wedding and her husband did the same. When it came time for the speeches, we each (3 of us) stood up and said something really short as dinner was being eaten. Like less than a paragraph short. Otherwise it would have dragged on forever. 

As for your SIL, just let her off the hook. While I was in my brother’s wedding as well, I didn’t ask that same SIL to be in my wedding. I asked my fiance’s sister, but not my brother’s wife. My brother and their kids are in the wedding, so I let her off the hook for more expenses. 

Post # 12
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
afrat240 :  I’ve seen coordinated speeches among siblings. It has been well done and cute when I have seen it. I also understand some people are not great speakers, but I really like hearing speeches, and as someone close to the bride and groom it’s such an honor to be asked to do one. I would never think about skipping them.

Honestly, I think that you are doing the right thing by giving them the option of a coordinated speech. You wouldn’t want anyone feeling less than because you didn’t choose them, but you are giving the option to them of coordinating so that they all get equal time, one person speaks less, or opting out if they wish.

As for your SIL, I think you should follow up with her and give a timeline. Something like:

“Hey SIL, I was wondering if you had thought more about being in my wedding party. I would love to have you in it, but I also know that can be an expensive responsibility so there will be no hurt feelings if you decide to attend as a guest. Just let me know in the next # months what you decide.”

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Twizbe :  I get that that’s “tradition” but it seems patriarchal and sexist AF whenever I see it done that way–because it’s rooted in patriarchy and sexism.

Post # 13
Member
3293 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Personally I didn’t want to give a speech, neither did my chief bridesmaid so we didn’t give one – but yeah we’re sexist 🤷🏼‍♀️

For the OP, speeches are optional. 

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franklymydearidont :  

Post # 14
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
Twizbe :  I was not attacking you or your character, and I am allowed to express my opinion on any tradition. What I said wasn’t wrong, a lot of wedding traditions are rooted in sexism (the bride being handed from father to husband is another example).

I also know I’m not the only one who (in this modern day and age) finds it strange to only have the men speaking. I’ve heard it from other guests at the weddings I’ve been to where this tradition has been followed, as well. People have opinions.

You are, of course, allowed to do whatever you want or what makes you most comfortable. I’m allowed to have an opinion and to express it, especially on an online forum.

It’s your choice to get so worked up and offended over something that wasn’t directly aimed at you, but rather at a tradition that is very outdated at this point. IMO it’s a very different spin to just be like “you do you–anyone who doesn’t want to give a speech shouldn’t (no matter the gender)” versus “you don’t have to give a speech, it’s tradition for only the men to speak anyway.” 

Post # 15
Member
3293 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I’ll admit, I’m in pre labour so likely more sensitive to comments. I don’t want to derail this thread. Will go back to bouncing on my ball or climbing up the walls wanting this baby out of me lol  

View original reply
franklymydearidont :  

The topic ‘A speech Trio? Also advise on SIL as a bridesmaid’ is closed to new replies.

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