Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
I was married last week. We had a 15 person wedding. Ceremony and dinner at a restaurant. My Mother-In-Law got up and made a speech during which she surprised the whole table with a wedding reception for us in a city that is a 5h flight from where we currently live (we moved from there two months ago). Mother-In-Law does not live in either of these cities. The reception will be at a restaurant in 1.5 months. It’s on a weekend that is inconvenient for us and costs about $600 round trip per person plus hotel in a big city. I would not normally spend money like this for a weekend, especially since we have a trip planned to the same city two weeks after this event. I like to think that this was done out of love. She wants to celebrate our wedding with her family and friends albeit she is most definitely bitter that we decided to have an intimate wedding. Her wedding had 500 guests to give you an idea of what she expects when people get married. Leading up to the wedding she was pleasant and supportive of our intimate wedding less relaying a few comments from her friends who were upset they weren’t invited. It seemed like she would take the opportunity make it known her disappointment with the small wedding through her friends comments but she never outright said anything. She didn’t try to convince us to have a bigger wedding. I am not upset with the sentiment but more so her failure to gather our or at least my husband’s approval for this event. How should we/he talk to her about the inappropriateness of this event and to prevent being blindsided in the future? We decided on an intimate wedding to prevent a large celebration exactly like this.
Post # 2
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
Wow your Mother-In-Law sounds really really pushy!
I can see where she probably thinks she’s doing it out of love for you guys, and I think she probably feels like she has “good intentions” but that is pretty selfish and over the top of her! It’s your wedding celebration and she honestly should’ve consulted you first.
Post # 3
Member
8820 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
surprisewedding : It certainly was inappropriate of her, but I don’t think approaching it that way will be effective. I would leave out any judgement and instead just tell her that it’s not convenient so you won’t be able to make it and you hope she and her guests have a lovely time. This should come from your husband btw.
Post # 4
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
I agree with Daisy_Mae : here. I think it’s inappropiate but I don’t think you should tell her off or anything like that.
Post # 5
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
Let your husband handle it.
Post # 6
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
MrBlueSky : Daisy_Mae : my husband is definitely on the same page as me. We agree that he should talk to her. We just want to make sure that we use our words carefully. We feel it’s important that we set boundaries early on.
Post # 7
Member
288 posts
Helper bee
It’s a tough one. If I were you I’d be mad right now, but it’s also a delicate situation. I think there is no point in telling her that it was inappropriate and startling an argument. Maybe something in the lines of: “we really appreciate your generosity but since you never discussed this event with us, we already made other plans and cannot cancel them. We hope that you and your guests will have a great time. Next time you plan an event, you will need to discuss it with us in advance if you want to assure our participation.” If she ever tries to throw a party too big for your taste or impose her choices on you, respond gently but firmly that you are doing things differently as a couple. Boundaries are clearly essential here.
Post # 8
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
theweddingunplanner : I’m definitely going to suggest what you’ve said here! I’m honestly not mad because I know I’m under no obligation to attend.
We were told the event will be a whole restaurant buy out. The funny thing is she gave us three invitations to hand out to our friends. Only three 😂. Oh ya there were invitation suites made up with rsvp and return envelopes that were handed out during dinner. This her wedding or ours? 😂
Post # 9
Member
200 posts
Helper bee
I dont nessacerily think what she did was bad in throwing the party but its rather dumb to throw a party and not check the guests of honor are free and can attend lol.
Post # 10
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
We feel it’s important that we set boundaries early on.
You are absolutely correct – good for you guys for recognizing this. There is no way I would participate in this party – she has massively overstepped. She is not “being kind and generous”. It’s about her.
Post # 11
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
And to announce it in front of a group of people! Putting you two in the awkward position of pretending to happily go along with it so as not to make a scene. I can’t.
Please please don’t attend her reception. If she wins it will set a very bad precendent moving forward.
Post # 12
Member
2546 posts
Sugar bee
I can only answer for how my husband and I would deal with this, but I will say we would not be attending. Like you said, boundaries need to be set. If you go along with this surprise wedding reception, where does it stop? (It won’t). There will be surprise baptisms, kids’ birthday parties, graduation parties….basically anytime a party is not planned to the standard she wants it, “Surprise! Guess what? I’m throwing Little Bobby another 1st birthday party since we couldn’t hold it at my house!”
You could Skype into the party and say “Sorry, due to the nature of the surprise and us already having plans that weekend, we couldn’t make it. We did want to show our love and appreciation to all of you for attending” etc etc etc etc.
Post # 13
Member
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
This was so inappropriate. I don’t agree with just making an excuse that you are busy. People like this need boundaries and to understand they can’t just spring plans like this on you, now or in the future. If she wants to consult you both, and change the date and location you are willng to consider a reception, but not like this. The destination aspect is even more inappropriate, especially expecting you and other guests to pay for transportation and accomodations.
Good luck with this one. She is quite the character.
Post # 14
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
Wow! So sorry you are going through this, what an award situation. :/ surprisewedding :
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