A terrible few months, fiance sending mixed messages

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
1356 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly this sounds complex and I think if you two want it to work, or not, you need counselling to untangle all of this. 

It could go either way… 

Post # 3
1631 posts
Bumble bee

I mean you know it’s not just because of his pain and grief. You said “old habits resurfaced”, not “he is acting like a completely different person”. Clearly the relationship is toxic. It will take a lot of work to make it into something that isn’t toxic whenever times get tough. It doesn’t seem like it’s something he wants to do, though. 

Post # 4
47203 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

IF both of you want to preserve the relationship, I suggest you find a good counsellor. It sounds like both of you could use some help with communication skills and learning to disagree without fighting unfairly.

Post # 5
1611 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

It’s not normal to constantly threaten each other with breaking up. You two either need some serious counselling, or to just let the relationship go. 

Post # 6
1215 posts
Bumble bee

According to your post, your relationship was toxic before your fiancé lost his dad. You are both extremely codependent and sticking together at this point because of the sunk cost fallacy and a fear of being alone.

You need to end things for good. You both need to learn that threatening to break up is manipulative and toxic and you can only threaten so many times before the other person calls their bluff. 

Post # 7
2892 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

My father died in an accident, out of nowhere . It was by far the hardest thing that I’ve ever dealt with,  but it didn’t make me an asshole. It sounds like you two have had issues prior to his father passing. When he tells you he doesn’t want to be with you, he means it. Move on.

alliekat20 :  

Post # 8
770 posts
Busy bee

alliekat20 :  

I don’t think your fights or your fiance’s threats have anything to do with his dad’s passing away. The tragedy and grief might have intensified things for a bit, but it’s clear the problems were there long before.

Some people, far too many people actually, have terrible communication skills. It sounds like this is definitely your fiance, and it is probably you too. Swearing, name calling, fighting for hours… these things truly should never happen. But good communication takes a lot of maturity, a lot of effort, and a lot of self-reflection. It also takes a lot of practice. In short, you both have to be committed to it. Do you think you and your fiance are? If so, you can be taught to communicate a lot better if you are willing to put in the effort. This will eliminate the pain of the constant break up threats and the inevitable hurt which comes from nasty fighting.

However, it’s difficult to tell whether this is just a problem of poor communication or the two of you are just not compatible/meant to be together. I would get to the root of whether this is a relationship you both want to preserve first. And then move onto the communication skills if it is.

Post # 9
179 posts
Blushing bee

alliekat20 :  I second couples counselling. The relationship definitely sounds toxic because of poor communication skills and coping mechanisms.

You both need to find better ways to work through stress. Old habits CAN change and a toxic relationship CAN turn around only when BOTH people are willing to do the necessary work together for an extended period of time. This will not change in a matter of days or weeks and it will be really important to remember to get back up when you have the occassional fall back.

To start with, having an agreed action plan in place may be a good start? Try taking a 15 minute break from each other when one of you begins to feel heated, spend the first minute or two taking deep breaths to calm your body down. Over time you can reduce the break from each other to 10 minutes and then 5. You cannot reason with an angry person and trying to often only ends in the angry escalating when you are working with someone who does not have good communication skills.

Post # 10
980 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Let this thing go. Do you want 50 more years of this drama?

Post # 11
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Whatever the reason is it’s coming out of his mouth way to easy. It’s almost like second nature for him to say this like him saying “good morning”. I watched my mother did and I know how he feels and the pain that he is going through but he’s this started before your father in law passed. And even still when your hurting like he is your his wife is support system he would want you there. This has been going on long before this. Words hurts and they are very powerful! 

Post # 12
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Couples counseling, if only to make it clear to both of you that this should end.

Normally I suggest counseling out of a desire to repair relationships but the constant fighting, back and forth and using breaking up as a control tactic, makes me believe this isn’t a relationship worth continuing.   However, OP needs help in seeing this and maybe her SO will realize he’s being an manipulative ass so yeah…..counseling.

Post # 13
10856 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

l1989 :  

No couples’ counseling when there is verbal and emotional abuse.  It’s not safe and won’t work anyway.

Individual therapy for each of them and separation are what’s necessary here.  They clearly cannot live together.  The relationship is a toxic stew.

Post # 14
529 posts
Busy bee

It’s not at all normal to constantly threaten each other about breaking up the both of you need to go to individual counseling or just let the relationship go all together. 

Bc this is not healthy as your fiance has been doing this even before his father passed away! 

Post # 15
4205 posts
Honey bee

There are no mixed messages here. There’s just one message: this relationship is no good at all. Counseling is not going to help in my opinion, it will likely cause more strife. End this.

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