A terrible few months, fiance sending mixed messages

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
571 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You (and especially he) needs counseling. The death of a parent can wreack havoc on a person, and especially on one who already seems to have trouble communicating rationally.

Threatening to break up every time you fight is also emotional abuse, so there’s that. Keep in mind that he was doing this well before the death of his father.

Edited to add, that couples counseling is not what I’m suggesting here. It doesn’t work for toxic relationships. You both need individual counseling.

Post # 17
222 posts
Helper bee

Life is short – you’ve seen that up close and personally this year.  Is this really how you want to live out the rest of your days, constantly bickering with someone???  No doubt parts of you love each other, but it just doesn’t sound to me like you’re a good fit.  

Hate to sound harsh, but I would go ahead with the inevitable.  It won’t be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is. And a peaceful, fun, loving life IS most definitely a worthwhile pursuit.  And it’s not just something you see in the movies, it can absolutely be the reality for you.  I grew up in a household of constant bickering, so it took me a while to learn that.  You should want that for yourself.  And for him, for that matter.  Best of luck to you.

Post # 18
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I recommend leaving this relationship. Things will only get worse if you get married. Marriage doesn’t fix things, you don’t all of a sudden love each other more or fight less just because you’re married. A BIG part of marriage is being able to get through the tough times together, you both proved that you can’t do that together. LEAVE because YOU deserve better! You will find someone who can love and be supportive when your anxiety is getting tough to deal with. With the right person you’ll feel like the best verision of yourself and you’ll be able to get through anything together. Sure, you might argue sometimes but breaking up won’t be a threat, there won’t be uncertainities, you know you’ll get through it. This person just isn’t right for you. Move on so you can find the person who is. 

Post # 19
1206 posts
Bumble bee

I am really, really sorry for your loss.

Coming from an emotionally and physically absusive past, I had a really hard time managing my emotions when I was younger. Not only did I pick up some abusive habits, but since I was never allowed to show anger I had a lifetime of overwhelming anger to work through. I had to do a lot of work on myself over the years. One really important lesson I had to learn was what a mature, respectful relationship actually looked like. You both need to learn these lessons as well. Here’s the most important lesson:

It is NOT ok to swear at your partner. It’s NOT ok to call them names. It’s NOT ok to yell at them. That is not fighting, it is abuse. 

The only way your relationship will ever work is if you both can recognize how you are BOTH killing the relationship and work together to change this. Counseling would be beneficial, but if you can’t do that I’ve outlined some steps that I have taken with various partners that might help you. 

1. Reflect
Take some time to think about your role. Be completely honest about the ways you are contributing. What behaviors are you engaging in that could be absusive? In which ways are you pushing his buttons? If you need help identifying the issues, read some articles on positive communication in relationships. 
2. Regret
Sit down with your boyfriend and tell him that you have done a lot of thinking about your relationship. Tell him that you love him so much and are committed to him, but that you recognize that the way you have both been fighting has been hurtful, disrespectful, and toxic. Refer to the trip you took previously as an example. Admit to the mistakes you realize you have been making, and apologize for them. Ask him if he would be willing to work on improving the communication in the relationship before breaking up. If he says yes, then ask if him he would please take some time to reflect on any ways he thinks he is contributing to the toxic fighting, and anything you are doing that is contributing that you might not have mentioned. Make a plan to revisit in a day or two. 
3. Resolve
This is a hard discussion, so before you have it, agree to some ground rules. These are mine:

 – Stay calm, no raising voices or yelling
 – If anyone starts to get angry, take a 10 min break. you cannot say no to your partner needing a break
 – Focus on each other with no distractions. It helps to sit facing each other and holding hands to first establish a loving connection. 
 – Do not excuse bad behavior by blaming your partner. Your actions are each your own. 

First, go through your mistakes a second time and again apologize. Then ask him to share his relfections. Really listen. When he’s done, acknowledge it. Say something like, “So when I do abc, you feel xyz. I can understand how that would be hurtful and I’m sorry.” You don’t have to agree with everything he says but you do have to respect it, even if it’s hard to hear. When you are done, talk about what is triggering you both to have the reactions you are, and brainstorm some ways to combat those triggers. For example, my fiance and I are both emotional and make our points passionately…which is great individually but sometimes together it means there’s a lot of talking but not a lot of listening going on. So for us, it’s important that we take breaks when we need it, and also we often take turns speaking. So I’ll have 1 minute where I can make a single point, and then he has a minute to respond. You can only take an additional minute if both people agree to it. 

If you both start getting heated and it seems like things are getting out of control, then table the discussion for later. Agree on a time to talk again so it’s not up in the air. You might need to discuss this several times. 
4. Remember
This is something you will have to work on EVERY TIME you have an argument. So, you need to remember a few things:

 – your ground rules
 – your triggers and his as well
 – focus on the issue you want to solve today, don’t bring up the past
 – additional issues that have been brought up can be scheduled for a later discussion, don’t get sidetracked

You might want to repeat these or whatever rules you have for yourselves before an argument to help you both stay on track. 
5. Respect
Your partner is not your enemy. They are the person you love. They deserve to be treated with respect regardless of your anger or their actions. I bet you would take a bullet for your boyfriend, but then you don’t hesitate to call him names or swear at him. If you love someone, that love shouldn’t stop because you are having a fight. There needs to be love in all aspects of your relationship. Also, people are imperfect and you will both mess up. Respect each other enough to be understanding of that, and don’t let it prevent you from doing better in the future. It’s a process, sometimes a lifelong one. 

I know that this is pretty wordy but I hope it helps you, or at least someone out there. 

Post # 20
764 posts
Busy bee

strawberrysakura :  

I was never allowed to express anger or frustration as a child either, and it really did a number on my ability to express it healthily as an adult.

I think a big part of good communication is recognising how much we are driven by things that have nothing to do with our partner, but which they might have triggered.

Your pointers are great, by the way.

Post # 21
306 posts
Helper bee

Honestly, I was in a marriage like this and it ended very fast. I can say I made some mistakes, he made a lot of mistakes (he was physically abusive, I wasn’t) and inevitably as much as I tried to repair things (we went to counseling because of me pressuring counseling) it never worked. I saw some ugly sides of myself that I had never seen before because of how bad the relationship was for me. I honestly believe if it’s that hard on a daily or even weekly basis, you shouldn’t be with that person. 

I’m married to someone else now and our relationship is easy 97% of the time. We rarely fight and I can’t imagine cursing him out or being disrespectful. But trust me, I could think of a lot of bad names for my ex husband when we were married. I went to counseling privately after I eventually filed for divorce (he went to prison because he tried to shoot me) and it really helped me improve upon myself after the turbulence of my previous relationship. 

Unfortunately, I think you don’t know what healthy looks like right now because of how things have been so up and down in the relationship. And I do think you deserve better.

Post # 23
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

This is a toxic relationship. Marriage is not going to make it better.

Post # 24
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

If it doesn’t stop now it will turn into a divorce and a waste of time. Idk how many times you need to be told he does t want you when he’s upset and he doesn’t want to be with you when he’s mad. Idc about when he’s feeling better he’s telling you how he feels. Eff that

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