(Closed) A twist on the MIL dress dilemma

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
5405 posts
Bee Keeper

@bearlove:  That’s sad! I think whether or not a bride should say something depends on 1) whether or not the dress really is inappropriate in some way (because I’ve seen tons of those threads where I think the dress is perfectly fine, and it almost sounds like the bride is jealous her Mother-In-Law is going to look hot and she wants to “take her down a notch”) and 2) the relationship the bride has with her. If a bride is close to her Future Mother-In-Law, it would be good to say something if the dress is truly inappropriate. But, if the relationship is already rocky, it might just cause tension. 

Edit: also, if she picks a dress the bride thinks is inappropriate but it’s a financial issue, it won’t do much good to make her feel bad. 

Post # 4
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Perhaps she would have, but what’s done is done. Ultimately, she’s a grown woman that should be able to dress herself. Personally, I find the turn around from a $50 dress to a $1-2k dress rather extreme – but I guess her trying a little too hard is her way of trying to forget about feeling underdressed at your wedding.

Post # 5
Member
776 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bearlove:  That’s a delicate one. I run these kinds of things through Fiance. I’ll be honest with Fiance and ask how he thinks I should approach. If I think it’s out of place for me to do it, I leave it with him to decide if he wants to say something. It is his mother, after all!

Post # 6
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@bearlove:  Honestly I agree wth person above me, the Mother-In-Law chose her own dress and I would think that either you or your now husband would have told her what the dress code was for your wedding. And I think you were trying to keep the peace by not telling her otherwise because you didn’t want to step on people’s toes so to speak. And if she chose to go more casual for your wedding, that was her call. And yes, I think a $50 dress to having a budget of $1-2K is ridiculous. Someone can still look dressed up and elegant without having to spend that much money! LOL 

Post # 7
Member
1607 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Don’t blame yourself. It is fine etiquette in our culture to ask the host of an event what the dress code will be like. She didn’t. And now she is setting herself up to do the exact opposite at the next one. If I have any advice on this I would say try to convince her to ask her daughter the best ‘type’ of dress she should be looking for.

Other then that – I would say for other brides with this issue – let the Mother-In-Law wear what she wears unless you are close enough to her to politely (and without offense) suggest an alternate dress.

Post # 8
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I think it’s helpful for the MOB to show the MOG what dress she is planning to wear. I know for my mom, she bought her dress very early and was able to show my Future Mother-In-Law. This helps give an idea of the formality of the event and the style that the MOB will wear. For instance, my mom chose a short dress so my Future Mother-In-Law is likely also going to buy a short dress. For my SIL’s wedding both mothers wore long dresses. 

 

Post # 11
Member
3039 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bearlove: I agree, telling your mum the details of her new dress budget is a little strange… Not as strange as not wearing a bra to your sons wedding, but still strange.

Post # 12
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Great feedback here from the other Bees.

It is sad that your Mother-In-Law now feels so poorly about her appearance at your Wedding (when she was MOG).  I hope you don’t have similar feelings about her in the Wedding Pics you have of her… cause that would really suck more.

Agree with BlondeMissMolly:  speaking up or not speaking up for a Bride when asked, always has to do with those two points… (1) Is the proposed outfit truly inappropriate, and (2) what relationship the Bride has with her Future Mother-In-Law

And agree with lauraminn: this is a case where this is one of the roles of the MOB… after the Bride chooses the formality of the event, general tone etc.. , and MOB has chosen her dress… and passed it by her Daughter for approval… then she should share it with the MOG for info and as a guideline (colour, length, style etc) so the two Moms can be on the same wavelength

Sadly, not all MOBs do this… and not all MOGs pay attention, or want help (and there are always the family drama cases where the two families don’t get along… or one resents the other)

Also agree with suburbian: when all else fails, the Groom should step in at the direction of his Bride, to give Mom a hand / set the record straight.

But NONE of this is usually easy… as clothing is such a PERSONAL topic, and Brides-2B can still be trying to work out how they will relate to their FMILs etc

As well, suburbian:  brings up another good point… I’d be worried that this poor lady is about to make another faux pas, by going too far in the opposite direction for this next upcoming Wedding !!

She may have hated her pics of herself in the $ 50 Bargain from Macy’s… she just as might feel equally uncomfortable if she looks back years from now on photos of herself in a $ 2 K number if she is OVERDRESSED for the occason (not to mention the tension that could be bulding with her Daugher … if Mom is thinking of spending / putting on the nines here to the same level as the Bride)

Someone really should talk to this poor lost Mom, before she makes another error in judgement (never mind the amount of pressue she’ll be putting on the MOG for this upcoming Wedding… and what that lady is going to wear !!)

If you guys are close now… it could be you, who has the talk with her… afterall she did reach out to your side of the family (your Mom)… or maybe you and your Hubby could chat with her together as a couple…

It is a tough call though… but someone needs to do it I think.

 

Post # 14
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO @bearlove: Sounds like you guys have a good set of heads on your shoulders !!

I am in my 50s, and Mr TTR in his 60s, and we have grown children in their late 20s and 30s…

None married

I gotta say, that the idea of sometime in the future there will be “Family Weddings” where I’ll have to fullfil the “Mother Of” or “NEW Wife of Dad” role is very intimidating.

Honestly I think that now that I’ve been a Bride twice in my lifetime, that role is a lot easier to step into.  Everyone just expects you to look lovely, and radiate LOVE

The Parent role has soooo many more expectations… and opportunities to f-up / fail

It really is a tough one.

I’d give therefore your Mother-In-Law all the love you can spare for how SHE DID meet those challenges… (I mean really if you hang out here long enough on WBee you can read some really horrific stories about families that don’t get along **… or Mothers who pull some terrible stunts on their Bride / Groom children). 

If you and Hubby feel the Wedding Pics of the Inlaws aren’t the best… and therefore haven’t printed off many / any to display… consider picking a joyous occasion (Milestone Birthday – Anniversary – Holiday – Grandkiddie etc) and having family pics done by a Professional Photographer.  Then you can all decide together how you want to coordinate (colour, style, casual wear etc).  Family Photos like those can be a great thing… being a BIG Believer that a “family home” should be filled with LOVE and family photos.

Hope this helps,

** NOTE – Gotta admire the relationship your Mom & Mother-In-Law have… I mean I was married for close to 25 Years the first time, and my family and his NEVER socialized (ok they lived in different cities)… BUT they never exchanged Christmas Cards… let alone a phone call.  Consider yourself lucky… them talking to each other will make things a lot easier once the Grandkiddies come along !!

 

Post # 15
Member
1022 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bearlove:  I think that other family members should have talked to her about the dress, more then just you, to get opinions on how it looks

Post # 16
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@bearlove:  I assume she knew what time the wedding was going to be, which is a big factor in how formal you should dress. And she probably had seen your dress and the BM’s dresses, right? And I think you said she definitely had seen the MOB’s dress…. It is unfortunately if she’s unhappy now, but it’s not your fault by any means. Didn’t she show her dress to any friends? … Unless you kept her in the dark about everyone else’s dresses and secretly told all your guests “I know it’s at 2:00, but dress black tie anyone. But don’t tel MIL!” it’s on her.

The topic ‘A twist on the MIL dress dilemma’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors