(Closed) A vent/lament… when your friend’s SO is a douchebag

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

@jayce: “He’s got something to say about everyone and everything, and he couldn’t care less if it’s racist, sexist, homophobic, or offensive/rude in any other sense”  You could start pointing out when he is doing these things.  When he says something rude you could respond “woah, hey, now that’s not right/appropriate” or something.  If noone ever “corrects” (not sure if that’s the right word?) his behaviour, then why would he stop?  If he’s as much of a douchebag as you say, he probably does think it’s hilarious, and he’s probably the one most amused.

To have let it go for 5 years (if I read your post right) and only just bring up something now to your friend, she will not take it well.  I understand not wanting to rain on her parade and all, but I would never let someone be constantly rude to me.

A friendship that long in years, is of course something you want to keep close, but in all honesty, is it really worth it?  “To be honest, I haven’t had fun with her in ages.” 

You have some thinking to do lady, good luck!

 

Post # 4
Member
1927 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My friends SO is a douch also. He is so danm jealous! Two saturdays ago she came to my apartment which is about a 45 min drive from her house. He kept on asking her why she was coming over to my apartment. She told him “Umm I wanted to see LetsGoPens, is that not reason enough.”

Post # 5
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Are we friends with the same person? :/

Anyways, just a little reflection. If you haven’t said anything over the years, that ship has kind of sailed. The friendship, not her relationship, will suffer. It’s the same the other way around if they are serious.

I said something to my elementary-undergrad best friend about her obnoxious SO, and we aren’t best friends anymore. We are merely “friends” who see eachother on occasion. It totally killed the friendship, for several reasons…mostly because it escalated. I told her I didn’t like him during one of their MANY breaks, which was apparently a faux pas, as she was back with him a week later. So I just stayed out of it, but because both Fiance and I dislike being around/associated with him, the friendship suffered. She knows why, I know why, My Fiance knows why, and I have no idea if HER Fiance knows why, but yeah.

I can’t really say I regret it. Had I not said something, I would have been totally lying to her and forcing something that wasn’t there. Our friendship is honest now, but it certainly is not what it was pre-douchebag. Sorry you’re in this situation, but, like PP said you’re going to have to decide how to handle it. There are many ways.

Post # 6
Member
3942 posts
Honey bee

Yup, my former best friends husband. I was actually in their wedding just a few years ago but her husband is just so awful to be around that we have slowly drifted apart. My friend and I are still friends…but not nearly as close as we used to be. I would never say anything now but I don’t really put myself in a position where I know him and his friends will be, unless its something I really can’t miss. He doesn’t talk to any of her friends, treats her like a 1950’s housewife, and lives like he is a college student, even though he’s 31.

I think the final straw was on their wedding night. They had a big bridal party and somehow everyone ended up back in my  hotel room after the wedding. His groomsmen were so drunk that they start breaking things and smoking in the room. I asked my boyfriend to tell them to leave, since the room was in my name and credit card, and they were so furious. Her husband was furious at ME when he heard about the incident and hasn’t said more than 10 words to me since. That was almost 3 years ago.

Post # 7
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

Can you be friends with her without spending time with him? It’s too bad you didn’t tell her what you thought of him before they got engaged. Now you are kind of stuck. If it were me, and i’ve been in this situation, I’d limit time with him but still keep in touch with her. If all her friends are abandoning her, this guy might have an unhealthy hold on her and she might need you for support if things get hard.

Post # 9
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

@jayce: I could have written this post!

My best friend since I was 4 is living with a LOSER. I can’t even describe my distaste for this… boy. I could tell you numerous shitty, douchey things he has done but the most recent was when she applied to med school with incredible grades (which she has wanted to do since I have known her – totally admirable since I have changed my mind on career paths about a bajillion times) and didn’t get in. She wrote a mildly disappointed FB status and his response? Publicly on her FB and definitely NOT joking… “Fine by me. Now maybe you can spend more time doing my laundry and cooking me dinner. On your knees woman!”

UGH. How insulting. She is SOOO underachieving. And unfortunately after 20 years of friendship it has just become too brutal to hang out with her – and I refuse to hang out with him anymore. She won’t hear it though. It is a very tough situation – I totally feel your pain.

Post # 10
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

@jayce: You’re welcome. If you ever want more details or “how did you handle this” type of stuff, just PM me.

But back to what you said, I really do feel like it’s more honest. We started to drift apart, and yes it’s because of him in a way…but she’s also a grown woman and made that choice. So I started to see where I fit into her priorities. She lied to me about it a lot – i.e. they would break up, she’d come to me, they’d get back together … and I wouldn’t be privy to that info. I’d find out from someone else. It was soooo awkward and juvenile. (This was in college, btw.) Now, we are both engaged and I’m not even sure I’ll be inviting her, or if we’ll be invited to theirs.

It’s hard to watch a friendship fail, but it’s a lot easier when you have no regrets about how you handled it. At this point, all of my cards are on the table. It didn’t end in some big, dramatic experience…it just fizzled.

I really do wish you good luck with your friend – I think we all reach a breaking point.

Post # 11
Member
354 posts
Helper bee

@jayce:  “I’ve never felt that it was my place to chastize someone else’s SO. Is it weird that I’m so uncomfortable with it?”  It is not at all weird that you’re uncomfortable with correcting your friends SO, but look at this way, would you let anyone else talk to you in that manner?  It doesn’t matter who it’s coming from, wrong is wrong.

I have been to birthday/event dinners where there were people invited I’ve never met.  I once heard someone make a racist comment about Asians.  I look 100% white, but I’m not, I’m half Asian.  To show my distain in a light hearted manner I said “it’s okay, I’m only half offended by your comment”.  The offender than proceeded to say something along the lines of “well you’re not slanty eyed so it doesn’t count” I think I said something like “you’re totally right round eye, why should I be offended by your comment?” and might have slightly stared him down.  That made a bunch of people laugh, and lightened the mood, but jerkface was certainly a lot more quiet for the remainder of the evening.  Oddly enough his SO who I also didn’t know, approached me to apologise for his behaviour.  I accepted.

Some people will accept when their SO is a butthead, some will not.  If she has been accepting for 5 years, I don’t see her changing her views on his behaviour.  It will be interesting to see how she reacts when (not if :p) you say something.

Post # 13
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I was in a similar situation. 

Douchy SO and I had a HUGE blowup and I haven’t really talked to said friend since.  This was 2 years ago.

The bottom line, with me, was that he was toxic and she, in turn, was turning into a toxic friend.  I felt uncomfortable around both of them and who needs “friends” like that?

Sure, I miss her.  I think about her often, esp. now that I’m wedding planning and always thought she’d b ea part of this.  But, in the end, I’m better off.  Not to mention happier and less stressed!

Post # 14
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

This is such an interesting post.  I also love the tags are friendship and douchebag!

I was your friend at one point.  My ex was not as much of an a-hole as you describe, but he did have tendencies like that – kind of loud, obnoxious, make judgements, etc.  And while I could see why he rubbed people the wrong way, he never treated me poorly or was callous in any way.  Those that were close to him came to appreciate him and he genuinely meant well. 

There a few things about this, though.  At some point I recognized that our differences were greater than I initially perceived, and, that ultimately I didn’t love and respect him as much as I wanted to.  Also, from your a perspective as a friend, it might be hard to say something when the two people in the relationship are happy and healthy.  I only had one or two people ever say they didn’t think we would work out.  (others have since said that).

All I can say is be tactful in what you say to your friend. If he SO is not hurting her, and she is happy, you might just have to come to terms with this is the way things are.  You may even have to sacrifice the friendship if spending time with him grates on you.

Sorry.

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