(Closed) a very different topic…

posted 14 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2022 - Pier Sixty, Chelsea Piers

Unsure: I think some time off to find out what you want is very important and necessary right now. From your posts it seems that you’ve been catering to your fiance’s needs and wants, when he does not seem to compromising with yours.

Granted, relationships are not easy and we all go through tough times… but some things, you’ve just got to give up on and move away because it ultimately hurts you more than it helps you. 

If you can’t talk to your friends and family about it, definitely find a counselor. There is no harm in that and you’ll probably learn a lot about yourself that you hadn’t before.

Don’t guilt yourself into thinking you’re expecting too much or you don’t deserve it… the bottom line is that these are things you want and need from a companion and you shouldn’t settle.

I hope for the best for you and know that you have a great group of women here where you can voice your concerns and get support. 

Post # 33
251 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

unsure – when you said that your family always taught you to stick by those you love, and maybe that’s why you have been defending him and putting up with his crap for so long, I felt like I could have written that myself.  I think those are good values that your family has passed on to you.  It’s important to stick by those you love.  Just make sure that it’s the right relationship you’re sticking by, you know?  I have the same problem.  I like that I’m a very loyal person, but sometimes I’m too loyal for my own good – I become unable to see when it’s time to cut ties because it’s just not in my nature to do that.  I hope you keep that in mind when you decide what to do – that you may just be sticking by him because you thought sticking by those you love is the right thing to do, but it might not be in this case.  Make sure you’re sticking by someone who would do the same for you in return, and who treats you the way you want to be treated.  Otherwise you’re in for a lifetime of resentment.

Post # 34
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: January 2022

unsure – I’ve only briefly scanned the other replies, but for the most part, everyone is right.  but even knowing what others tell you is right (i.e. your parents) and agreeing with them, will not help your situation.

I have been in a similar relationship.  I was with an ex for 6 years.  I became the girl I never thought I would be.  Like you, try to keep the waters as smooth as possible, not to make him mad, did all the chores so he didn’t have to lift a finger (what’s the point of doing bit by bit cleaning when you can do one big pile at once, was one of his wise practices).   Things NEVER got better, at least not for more than a few weeks at a time.  

What everyone has said, you already know.  It’s the if and when of getting the courage and strength to get up and leave.  I will also echo the advice to cut things off completely.  At least for a good period of time.  I was one foot in, one foot out for over a year and a half.  Suicide-alert (he was so depressed and/or lazy, he literally never left the apt. for months.

But YOU CAN DO IT.  Try to remember who you were before him, and slowly let the girl out to breathe. You’ll be amazed at how your whole perspective on life and love can be regenerated!  And when you are sooo happy and ready to be engaged again, you’ll know how much inifinetly better and right it is. 

 Best of luck, you can always PM if you need support. 

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