(Closed) A Very Long Engagement: Is it selfish to push the wedding back… 3 years?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I know you’re just putting your feeling and thoughts out there but one thing that I don’t see in what you’ve written is what you really value about him and how you feel about him.  A lot of emphasis is put on what you perceive others are thinking about your relationship and the supposed milestones of the ring and real estate buying that your social set seems to think are important.  As to pushing the wedding three years, that’s a huge amount of time.  It’s like you think you have to check boxes off of what you should be doing by a certain timeline and it’s all very cerebral. 

Post # 3
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

I forgot to add above that it seems like your fiancé may be of a lower socio economic status than you?  If so only you can figure out how you feel regarding that. 

Post # 4
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

This is just my opinion, but I guess I don’t see the point in being engaged if you aren’t actively planning a wedding in the near future. It sounds like you have someone great who really cares about you, so I just don’t understand what the hold up is. 

Post # 6
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

View original reply
MsMomi:  I know that after getting engaged, regardless of your age, people come out of the woodwork with comments and feelings about what should be in your future.  It helps enormously in every aspect of life to try to get to a place emotionally where you care very little, if at all, about what anyone else thinks.  Maybe ask yourself if their opinions are holding sway with you because you truly feel they have good points that you agree with or whether they’re bothering you because you care a lot about how these people perceive you. 

Post # 7
Member
543 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Honestly… i just think you’re not ready. 

If you were it wouldnt matter what others thought or expected or said… you would be happily getting married in a time frame that suits your budget. 

Its not to say you dont love the guy its just you’re not on the same page right now. 

Post # 8
Member
3242 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Stop thinking about it!!!! that’s what’s making your life so complicated. Take a breath, close  your eyes and imagine an ideal world where you get what you want. 

get out a piece of paper and jot down a timeline that thrills and excites you,  not that seems sensible. Then take that to your man and get grown up. Stop living your live by an imaginary rule book thrust on you by people who are not living your life. Quite frankly your don’t rock the boat attitude is cowardly and the only people who suffer for it are you and your man. 

Next, put that ring ON! Stop taking it off, stop comparing it to that other nightmare’s. You are not her and she was a nightmare! Emulating her would be rather counterproductive wouldn’t you think?? 

Be joyfully  and reliably engaged to the man you love. He deserves it. You deserve it. Anything less is panicky, immature self punishment. Embrace your life and all the happy things in it. 

For the busybodies, stop giving so much away and start telling them,  ‘when we’ve decided we will let you know but until then having the conversation with you seems a bit odd’ or or, ‘we are living our life together our way and it suits us just fine. If it’s not to your taste, be thankful you can make different choices in yours!’

Please, work out what you want and desire deeply, truly and then run from all the naysayers with your hands over  your ears because no matter what you do, where you go or who you love they will always be there with something snide to say.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 11 months ago by  Yipeebee.
Post # 9
Member
1277 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

View original reply
MsMomi:  I mean this in the kindest way possible, but you’re waaaay overthinking this. 

It’s important to be self aware and analytical at times, but you need to distinguish between constructive thinking, and destructive worrying. It sounds like you got swept up in the proposal but, after a bit of reflection, realised you were more comfortable with the relationship the way it was and not quite ready to be on the path to marriage. That’s ok. Situations and feelings evolve sometimes. The important thing is that you can communicate with your partner openly and honestly, and it definitely sounds like that is happening.

At the end of the day, you have to let go of what everybody else thinks, says, and does. As long as you and your partner are on the same page, that’s all that really matters. If you are truly happy with the relationship then I would encourage you to commit to the engagement. Don’t bounce between being partners etc. – just reinforce your committment to each other by being the happy and engaged couple that you are, but feel comfortable knowing that you have an understanding that the wedding planning won’t be starting for another couple of years. So long as you are making this decision with your Fiance, I really don’t see it as selfish. If it were causing him doubt and distress, the situation would be a bit more complicated…

If you go down this path, you have to be willing to shake off everyone elses judgements when they come up. If people ask when the wedding is, you say ‘we haven’t started planning and it won’t be for a wee while yet’ and leave it at that. You don’t need to justify your situation to anyone, although sharing some details with family would probably be beneficial in the long run. Anyway, this is just my two cents. If there was one thing I want you to take away from my post, it’s to be a bit kinder and gentler on yourself. Don’t judge yourself for having feelings!! Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I couldn’t read past the “high maintenence” 2k engagement ring. 

Honey, that’s cheap.

If he’s in a “higher socioeconomic status,” where are you?

Post # 11
Member
715 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I don’t think you should bother hav Is date or year set. Why not be engaged and see where it takes you 

Post # 12
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
farrah66:  Ouch.

How is this helpful?  At all?

 

Post # 13
Member
1400 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

I have a really good friend who will have been engaged more than three years when they have their wedding. They have run into snags financially and otherwise and it just made sense to postpone. 

Long engagement, short engagement, whatever works for you two! It’s your engagement, not anyone else’s! If it’s right to wait, by all means wait! There are so many things to plan, so much to do, so much to experience. Forget the nay Sayers. This is your dream, not theirs. Live it up, take your time and make sure you’re damn good and ready first!

Post # 14
Member
371 posts
Helper bee

I also think you’re overthinking. It looks like you’re super rational and unable to take things for what they are. Stop concentrating on what is expected from you.

Plus, but this is just an impression from a post written on the Internet, so I’m aware that I may be off track.. I don’t feel a lots of involvement and passion from your side? 

Post # 15
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
framarianna:  agreed. Seems like she’s not 100% into him. 

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