(Closed) A very long engagement. Rant/complaint…

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14 posts
Newbee

Have you told this to your FI? Minus the being jealous of your sister thing, boys never get it…  I think you need to discuss two things.  #1 I get putting off getting married for financial reasons but if you want a smaller wedding maybe thats not a big deal.  He might think you need a big blowout.  Also, do you think he wants kids now?  If he’s not ready for kids you might be better off waiting.  Also maybe go with baby steps.  Make a practical arguement for having the wedding sooner rather than later.  Good Luck!

Post # 4
Member
216 posts
Helper bee

Are you convinced that he really wants to be married???? I’m sorry if this sounds harsh… But there’s a world of difference really in getting engaged (as you say his family is traditional and this was probably necessary in order for you to cohabitate) and following through with marriage. I think after 2+ years, and a house, you really need to discuss this. There will always be excuses why not to get married or why it should be put off–but timing is never perfect and things always come up in life. If you want to have kids soon you should really be able to discuss your concerns with him about this and let him know this before it’s dragged out any longer. I think after so much time and no solid engagement plans you have a right to demand to know what’s going on without worrying about upsetting him. This is your life! Maybe he really needs an ultimatum or you need to set some sort of time limit on this… I’m a little sensitive to this subject because I just had a friend in a similiar situation.

Post # 5
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

I don’t understand why he proposed if he didn’t want to get married. To me, if you are engaged, you are ready. I understand it takes some people time to be ready (my Darling Husband was 30 and we’d been living together 6 years when he proposed), but once you propose I don’t think it’s fair to then say “but I don’t want to get married”. I’d try and find out what’s really bothering him – marriage or children, and then see if you can come to an agreement (e.g. get married sooner, but put children off a bit later) or something like that. There is never a perfect time to do either, but if he wants to do both with you he should be ready by now to at least make a start on the future you’ve planned together. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Get your mum and sister over, get some bridal mags out and just start organising it. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Ooo, also, get a biiiig piece of cardboard and start pasting things onto it.

Ok, so I’m being a bit passive agressive here, or am I?  She is engaged after all, and he shouldn’t be surprised.

If he asks any questions then just tell him “but we’re engaged?  Engaged people get married right?”.  Act ignorant and plan that wedding!

At least then if he wants to stop it he’s going to have to fess up and call off the engagement.  p1ss or get off the pot FI!

Post # 7
Member
966 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Tell him 3 years is a ridiculously long engagement.  Tell him that problems with having kids start at about 35 (or if it’s earlier for your family.  My family is horrible – after 34, the best we can hope for is a 3 month premature baby who has to be in an incubator for two months.)  My guy thought I could have a safe pregnancy until I was 40 – telling him about my family’s fertility crap moved up his timeline about 5 years.

You’re a female. You Can’t Wait Forever.  He’s got another 20-30 years of being able to easily reproduce!  Set a clear timeline – we have to get married by X date, or I’m out of here.  I mean, both of my parents got their bachelor’s and master’s with two kids at home, and at least one working a full time job (more often both working full-time.)  It’s not that critical.

Post # 8
Member
375 posts
Helper bee

I would say, start planning! Say that you need this and he did ask you to marry him. If he wanted to wait 5 years, it should have been a promise ring. Start talking about where you’ll get married.

And sign up for wedding magazines to come to your house!!

I don’t think you should be passive aggressive about it, but he has to know how much you want it.

Post # 9
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I agree with the OP’s on just planning it, it’s not passive aggressive, YOU’RE ENGAGED!

@tobin: especially this, if you just go ahead with the wedding planning he’ll have to speak up about what’s really going on with him.

My advice would be to first do a completely positive approach. Have fun planning the wedding, tell him what you *want*, what you are excited about. Let him see how happy and excited the wedding stuff makes you! DON’t use the word “should”. Use “W” words: I “want” (this should be your #1, your guy does love you and wants to make you happy), “will you”, “would you be willing to”.

Wait until he’s awake and paying attention. Then say:

“I’m sorry I brought up this topic at night  I really want to have our wedding 11.11.11.  That would be absolutely amazing! I would LOVE IT. Would you be willing to consider that?”

Men are so sensitive to this shit it absolutely blows my mind.  They don’t want to do things they “should” do or are “told” to do/expected of them (see John Gray’s Mars/Venus book, there’s a whole chapter on how men respond to certain words, and how to effectively ask for support. it’s amazing).  They want to do things that make you happy.

So if option #1 doesn’t work, I’ll share this story:

I had a Girlfriend who was engaged for 10 years. That’s a long time! She got to a point with her guy where she shared how she really wanted to get married, that they would never have “enough” money, and if he wasn’t willing to set a date in the next year she was afraid she was wasting her time.  They are now happily married! Yes, it took a push. Yes, she had to have a tough conversation with him. And it may come to that for you.

This is not a totally uncommon situation….

 

Post # 10
Member
365 posts
Helper bee

Yes! I agree it should be positive. Get him caught up in the excitement ๐Ÿ™‚

You already waited for the proposal, don’t wait for it again.

Post # 11
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I also say to start planning the damn thing.  Then you’ll know if he was serious about proposing 3 years ago, or if it was a…*shudder* “shut up ring.” 

Post # 12
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2009

i hate to be the debbie downer here but is kind of agree with Fiance.  grad school should only take 2 years.  if you guys had agreed to wait until you finished with school, then that should be tha arrangement.  i wouldnt want to get married while i was still taking classes.

you mention that you guys have purchased a house, but you moved?  im confused.  did you move after you purchased the house?  that would be another flag for me to hold off on getting married.

finally, you are ready for a baby, but you havent finished school.  another flag for me if i was a guy.

i think you are letting your “timeline” cloud your judgement a bit.  i think women have this “timeline” that we’d like to accomplish all these things by, and when we dont, we get nervous and anxious.  i think you really need to just relax.  if you plan on going back to school, i think you should tackle that and then revisit the wedding date issue.  if school is on hold, then you should tell him about the change of plans and then discuss setting the date.

im a stubborn person that doesnt like when plans change so i can kind of understand his reluctance and growing agitation.

Post # 14
Member
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

my fiance and i were engaged 6months ago and at first we planned on waiting 2 to 3 years as to finish college. he is in his 5 year (double major mechanical/aerospace enginerring)  but when we talked it over it just makes more sense not to wait!!!! our car insurance would be less, healthinsurance can be combines and lessened, less on taxes, more finicial aid for school, lots of perks and plus we are ready we both want kids not soonbut later. it took some convincing but i know if he sees it through a lofical persective he is hooked!! now he is soo excited to get married!!

Post # 15
Member
1893 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

@FutureMrsMorgan:

i hate to be the debbie downer here but is kind of agree with Fiance.  grad school should only take 2 years.  if you guys had agreed to wait until you finished with school, then that should be tha arrangement.  i wouldnt want to get married while i was still taking classes.

The problem is, her grad school plans got put on hold, so their circumstances have changed.  You can’t hold someone to an original plan when things have since changed. She won’t start grad school for another year, then it’s 2 more years in school.  By the time she finishes grad school, they would’ve been engaged for 6 years already (and that’s not counting another year to plan!!)  That’s a little on the ridiculous side, as far as engagement lengths go. 

I don’t think she’s being unreasonable at all.  I went to a four year law school at night. About a third of my 30 person class got either married, or had kids (some had more than one kid!) while in law school.  Life doesn’t have to stop because you’re in school, especially if you’re pursuing an advanced degree that might take some time.

Post # 16
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

Maybe if you pick out a venue and ask them about available dates, that will make it more real in his mind. Tell your Fiance that you are sick of waiting revolving around school, esp since the economy isn’t good so you’ve found the perfect venue and have a choice of X dates. If he doesn’t like the venue then find out why and give him a choice of a few other places, but eventually he’s going ot have to pick one.

The topic ‘A very long engagement. Rant/complaint…’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors