(Closed) A year later and in the same position…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Don’t start anything while you are still with someone else.  Give it time.  Even though it might not feel like it now, you might be falling for this guys just because he’s not your husband.  If you decide to leave you marriage, and this man really is right for you, he’ll still be there when you are ready to date again.  Otherwise, he is just a rebound.  

I’ve seen this happen a few times.  I think emotionally it’s our hearts way of moving on from the old love.  But it rarely works out.  

Post # 5
853 posts
Busy bee

Stay away from further relationship and romantic complications at this point. I would also be very doubtful about everything this guy said he saw in your husband. If he had feelings for you the whole time, then of course he’s going to highlight the negative points in your husband. The fact that he lived with you all also makes me wonder just how much space and personal time you and your husband had to really work on your marriage. Also, if I were your husband, I’d wonder if something was going on BEFORE the marriage broke down and if it had started at the point of this guy living with you two. It just seems like a big unnecessary mess to me. I suggest you move, regain your own life and space and work on being you again. Withold making any major decision with regards to your marriage until you’ve settled in your new job and have really had time to think about the situation from a different perspective.

Post # 6
411 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

BeachBride2014 really said it well (and succinctly!) but I was finally convinced to join this board and participate in the discussion upon reading about your situation. I was in such a similar situation that I thought perhaps my own story might give you a bit of insight. 

Let’s call the men in my life to this point (leaving out a few minor ones) A, B, and C. 

I met A when I was 15 – he was three years older than me, and I fell hard for him. He was my first love, and I was so young that I didn’t see the red flags for what they were – I stuck with him when he didn’t call me at all for 6 weeks after he left basic training, I stuck with him through 4 years of the military, even when his stories didn’t add up, and I stuck with him (crying and begging and pleading and losing 10 pounds of weight I couldn’t afford to lose when I couldn’t eat for a week) after I found out he had been cheating on me, and even when my gut told me that that hadn’t been the first time. I stuck with him for almost 10 months after that, when I suddenly “woke up” one day and realized that I was only unhappy when I was around him and that I didn’t trust a word he said. 

My mistake was using B as my courage to break it off with A. I obviously needed time to heal – I needed to date around, I needed to be a free woman. But I fell for B – perhaps because he was a nice man, treated me with respect (unlike A) and spoiled me. He was very grown up, and very straightforward, everything that A wasn’t. So I stuck with him, and I didn’t look back – but I also never tried to figure out who I was post-A. Big, big mistake. 

I eventually wound up marrying B – nothing fancy, we just went down to the courthouse with two witnesses a few weeks after getting engaged (another mistake, since I obviously want(ed) a wedding.) But my heart wasn’t in it, and I knew it. I was already in love with a coworker and had been for several months before the engagement. 

B always treated me wonderfully, but I simply should not have been in that kind of relationship – but after the emotional turmoil from A, I really didn’t know enough about myself, life, or about having the courage to say “I’m not ready.” And B suffered for it. He found out about my cheating, but stuck with me. I continued to do it, and never had the courage to choose which one I would commit to, and eventually they both lost. I cheated with a different person, and finally confessed to B. I said it was over, I was moving out, and that he probably deserved better. 

This time I attempted to do it right – I saw someone casually (not really the best choice while separated) traveled, learned to live by myself in a really bad neighborhood, and tried to figure out who I was. But I met C before B and I were officially divorced. I tried to take it slow, but I couldn’t ignore the way our souls resonated with one another. He was patient with me, he waited while I sorted my life out, and now two years later, we are engaged and doing things right. 

I learned so much from the separation and all the mistakes I’ve made – my advice to you is to take it slow. I won’t say “don’t get involved with anyone now” because if I had shut all the doors on relationships while separated, I wouldn’t have met my fiance. But he waited for me – and any person who is really good enough for you and really wants to be with you will wait. Take your time and figure out who you are now – who you are without that relationship. Don’t let your attachment to him and your desire to be in a relationship cloud your judgement of his character. This is YOUR time, more than any other time in your life, and you owe it to yourself to make the best decision you can at this point. I know it’s hard to make an unbiased decision when you’re in the middle of such an emotional storm (both leaving someone and feeling pulled toward someone) but it will have big consequences later – and the slower you take it, the better off you will be later. 

In short, don’t close your heart, but guard it dearly. It’s easy to feel something strong when you are pulled in so many directions, but your true feelings will be around for a long, long time – and if it’s meant to work out, it will – either way. Move to CA like you planned, and give it time. I think time could be your best ally here – if your college friend is serious, time and distance won’t dim his emotions. If it’s a “proximity” infatuation, then time and distance will dim them, perhaps for both of you. It sounds like you are pretty much over your relationship with your husband, but perhaps time and distance from him will give him the kick in the pants he needs – but only you can judge if you think he will ever truly change. For me, I don’t think A would have ever changed, at least not for me. But I could, and did, after B, and C was there waiting for me. 

Good luck, dear. 🙂 Listen to your heart, but don’t let it make all the decisions. 



Post # 7
808 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

I never take advice, I always forge ahead and the older I get the more I realize how dumb I am for doing that.

Please listen to those who tell you not to start one thing while you are ending another. Give yourself a year. If you & the new guy are meant to be a year won’t ruin it.


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