Post # 1
Yes, I’m new here, and yes, that is the best title I can come up with… and no, I’m not engaged yet, but I know it’s coming, my boyfriend is just ‘tradition-bound’ and doesn’t want to actually propose without a ring. But anyway. We’ve been talking about marriage, and for some reason he REALLY wants me to change my last name. And I really don’t want to change it. Not at all, no hyphenating, no changing the last name I already have into another middle name (which is so feminine that it would sound really weird paired with it). Both of us are stubborn as hell about this, and while he’ll be okay with me hyphenating, it’s a tradition I really don’t like and it seems like a major pain in the face (notify the SS office, DMV, my college, employers, doctor’s offices, insurance companies, post office, etc. and wait for confirmation? Ain’t nobody got patience for that!) I feel like I’ll be giving up my identity, because I’ve been going by, uh, let’s say Jones my whole life. I’m a feminist to the core, and all of the reasons to change my name rest on the fact that I’m a woman… I think it’s unfair that even in 2013 (or whenever I get married) a woman’s identity still depends on her husband.
So what do I do? I’ve tried repeating his arguments back to him, but he just ignores that and sticks to his guns. I’m adamant about not changing my name. I really don’t want to start a debate about this, about whether I should or shouldn’t or why I’m wrong about not wanting to change my name. I just want to know what to do.
Post # 3
I think you need to get past the arguments to the whys. What does it mean to him for you to change your name? What does he think will happen if you don’t?
Post # 4
My man thought this was unfair. Its like saying “I am not marrying you until you change your hair to red,or convert to another religion, or buy a Honda”…You need to know the reason…
Post # 5
If both of you are refusing to budge then what’s going to happen? Is it a dealbreaker on either side? It would be a shame if it got to that point, but exactly how strongly do each of you feel in your positions?
ETA: It sounds like he’s willing to accept you hypenating as a compromise to his position. I know you said you don’t like that solution, but would it be more acceptable to you if you both hyphenated so that it wasn’t exclusively the woman who had to change?
Post # 6
@geekspice: To him, me changing my name means that I’m officially part of his family. His family really means a lot to him, and they’re pretty traditional when it comes to marriage. My family is just as important to me, but they’re quite a bit less than traditional.
@fascinated: It won’t be a dealbreaker for either of us, but we both feel pretty strongly about our positions. It’s like the “unstoppable force hitting an unmoveable object” problem, and I just don’t know where to go from here.
Post # 7
At the end of the day it is your name and you shouldn’t change it if you don’t want to. He shouldn’t be trying to force you to do something that makes you so uncomfortable. It sounds like he’s not being a total jerk about it though so hopefully he’ll learn to accept it.
Post # 8
@kittyfinn: you’ll have to just decide. you never know what will come,before I was engagned I said a big heck no to changing it. now that we are getting closer I’m debating hyphenatiNG IT.