Post # 1
So. My fiance and I decided not to invite kids to our wedding except for his nieces and nephews. (I know, I’ve heard the rule about making it "all or nothing" with kids, but we both wanted the nieces and nephews there and allowing *everyone* to bring kids would’ve made it out of control.)
My fiance thinks "it’s our wedding and we can do whatever we want." I know that’s true but I also think there are limits — certain things he was proposing as far as who we invite and don’t invite definitely would’ve left some hurt feelings and family drama for a long time. To me, it’s just not worth it and I think we have to pick our battles.
This brings me back to the kids. I mentioned that his sister and I both could see one of his cousins getting offended that we aren’t allowing other kids there. Her husband doesn’t come to a lot of family functions, so I could see her saying, "Well, my husband isn’t coming, so I’m bringing my kid instead." (Of course, it hasn’t happened, that’s purely speculation.) I should add that her kid is a few years older than the nieces and nephews and wouldn’t have anyone there his age — and our venue is *not* kid friendly. (It’s an art gallery.) Also, he’s a cute kid but not exactly well-behaved.
I asked my fiance what we’d do if that happened, and he said "well, let her bring him." Then he said that if a couple of people called us to say they really want to bring their kids, then we should let them.
I’m sorry, but I gotta say h*ll no to that one … if we set a rule then we need to stick to the rule and not make exceptions for some people but not others. My fiance is just reeeeally a guy when it comes to all this and does not understand why I am saying it needs to be this way.
Does anyone have any sage advice for this? Any good resources, like a book? My plan of action for now is to sit him down right before we send out the invites to make it clear how I feel, and why we need to be on the same page with this one so I don’t find out a week before the wedding that he told his friends from high school that it was OK to bring their kids, while I already told my friends that they couldn’t. Not good!!!
Post # 3
You definitely need to make sure you’re on the same page as your fiance. That’s what is important when it comes down to the guest list. I’ve had so many problems with my own guest list. It took months before my eyes opened and I could actually say to my Fiance, "We need to agree on this and stick to it." Once we could come to an agreement, everything else just fell into place.
My Fiance is one of those guys, too. I finally just had to break the budget down to him and ask if he really wanted to spend XXXX amount of dollars on a plate of food some little kid is going to waste anyway. Then I asked if he would rather have a handful of someone’s kids that we didn’t know at our special day as opposed to a handful of our friends who we wouldn’t otherwise be able to invite if the kids are on the list. The friends won every time.
Post # 4
We are doing the exact same thing with the kids issue. His 2 nieces and nephew, 1 of who is our flower girl.
Is there any way you could sit him down before you start to do the invitations? It may be best to get this taken care of ASAP before anyone says anything to friends about kids…
Post # 5
One of my favorite resources while I was planning my wedding was what we called The Purple Book. It’s actually Emily Post’s Wedding Etiquette (our edition had a purple cover, although not all of them do). There is a section called "All About Children", which deals with this kind of situation. It’s $18.45 on Amazon, and I think it was probably some of the most well-spent $$ in our budget, since it saved us a lot of headaches.
Post # 6
Thanks all, I will definitely look into that book. I agree with you all about making *sure* we are on the same page with this before the invites go out. One thing I have learned about my Fiance is that he tends to change his mind a lot, sometimes after I’ve thought we’ve agreed on something. This could be anything from where we’re going to have lunch, up to asking if we should reconsider our wedding date — this when I had the site deposit check written and in a stamped envelope, ready to mail. And had told several people our date already. Yeah, I was not happy about that one.
I tend to be the kind of person who likes to make a decision promptly and then move forward, so this definitely adds some excitement to our relationship, Ha! Fortunately he has not changed his mind about *me*
Post # 7
I can maybe see where your fiance is coming from. If you’re inviting some kids, then if someone calls and asks if they can bring their kid you can’t really say ‘there will be no kids at the wedding, so they can’t come’. If they’re bringing a kid in lieu of a husband, you can’t say ‘we really can’t add any more guests, so they can’t come.’ If the kids being invited are younger than those not being invited, you can’t say ‘it’s at a museum, so only kids over x age are being invited.’ So then what, you’re stuck saying ‘you can’t bring your kid because, while he is cute, he’s not well behaved’? I guess you can say ‘only kids of immediate family are invited’.
I guess what I’m saying is that it’s easier to deal with the no kids issue if you can make it seem like you’re not setting the rules (eg it’s a museum so no little kids, or it’s going to be so late so no kids, or gosh we just don’t have room for everyone’s kids so no kids). If you’re just inviting kids of immediate family, you set that rule, and people might try to get you to shift that rule to include their kids. everyone thinks, oh c’mon, it’s just my one kid. Even your fiance seems to think that. But then if you say yes to one person, you have to say yes to them all. Would your fiance want to say yes to everyone asking to bring their kids if that means there will be so many kids it will be out of control? Would your fiance want to get a call from another cousin saying ‘hey I heard cousin A is bringing her kid, can’t I bring mine’. and have to tell her no?
You and the previous posters are right – if you’re going to make the rule, both you and your fiance need to be firm in sticking to the rule. Best of luck in convincing your fiance.
Post # 8
Seriously, are you me?? I am having the same exact problem and your Fiance sounds a heck of a lot like mine! We did the sit down and get on the same page thing with the kids issue (no kids at all unfortunately) and when someone rsvp’ed with their child he didn’t think it was a big deal. It is a tough issue and it is the last thing I want to fight with him about, but we did make a decision and we need to stick with it! I am afraid of offending those who wanted to bring their children but knew they couldn’t. Good luck…to us both