(Closed) Abandoned by "friends"

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I think this is pretty normal, and might have happened even without your loss.  There are people from high school that I am still friendly with on Facebook, but honestly I never ever see them socially.  I have a few friends from college, but only 1 in my wedding party (who also happens to be my BFF).  Growing apart is just something that happens.  

It’s hard to make new friends as you get older.  Sometimes you find a few gems at your workplace, but other than that I find the most of my new friends at my hobbies (mainly yoga!).  Maybe try joining a new group or class.  Might help you find people with some common interests.

Post # 4
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

People can be so uncomfortable with someone who is grieving. They are so terrified of saying the wrong thing, that they often think it’s safer to say nothing. Or they assume that their frivolous concerns will be an annoyance, or their presence an unwanted burden, so they kind of fade away. It’s a little cowardly, but it’s also very common.

My advice would be, have a one-on-one conversation with some of them about it. Don’t blame or accuse them; just tell them that you feel like since your mom died, your relationship with them has really suffered, and you’d like to do something about not. See what they say. 

Post # 6
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I can relate to a point, bc upon my mother passing (albeit I was in my late 20’s), friendships changed for me too.  I was different and I was grieving, and all of a sudden I felt that if I needed to explain that to anyone, or if anyone was offended by my ‘different’, then I probably did not need them in my life.

 

Thankfully, for me, those that were truly exceptional, understanding, compassionate, etc were those whose friendships grew that much more, and those that kind of vanished away I do not miss – because life is too short…

 

Being that this occurred during two seperate phases in our lives, I have to think that maturity plays a part on how they reacted to the new ‘you’.  Probably partially out of a lack of understanding or knowing how to help you, and probably partially due to a bit of selfishness because they did not want to ‘deal with it’ either (heck, i had friends like that too!).  And you know what?!  You/me cannot blame them, bc until you go thru it, does anyone ever really understand?!

 

And so, now you have to make the tough decicison to heal yourself and move on, or fight for friendships that may or may not be worth it.  That would require sitting them down and hashing it out, getting their feedback, SHARING your EMOTIONS (which is so tough), and explaining or trying too why you changed. 

 

Please, whatever you do, do not not have people in your wedding for ‘show’ or do not invite people to your wedding because you feel you should.  The day is hard enough for you as is, and so no matter how it ends, you are deserving of that special day with your Fiance, surrounded by those that support you, love you and whom make you happy.  I am sorry this is so long.  Good luck 🙁

 

Post # 8
Member
8041 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@anonanon:  I think that some drifting apart at that age is normal. I can honestly say that out of all my high school “friends”, I am truly friends with two of them. Others I still talk to on Facebook, or see every now and then, but for the most part, I don’t have many close friends at all. And that’s ok.

Focus on the people who ARE there for you. Make some more of an effort to seek them out. I am not saying to always do the chasing, but all relationships take a bit of work. Everyone has busy lives.

Is there anything you can do to make new friends? Maybe join a sports team, gym, club etc. of some sort?

It’s understandable it would feel awkward at your wedding, but it’s also a great chance to re-connect. And for those who don’t show up.. oh well. Let those relationships drift.

Post # 9
Member
1606 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I don’t the same story but I think I might be able to help.

I left the country for four years and lived in korea after high school. While I was there I didn’t get a lot of time to stay in touch due to my job AND the time difference (night is day and day is night). When I came home all my friends had lives that didn’t involve me.

They would call eachother to go out but to forget to call me. I wasn’t even on their radar. I then decided that if these were friends I really wanted to spend time with then I would need to reinsert myself back into their picture. I called THEM. I texted them..it felt like I was being annoying at first and we didn’t really have tons to talk about because our last few years were so different. But after awhile I built back up that bond with each of them. I came home with zero ‘friends’ and now have 5 women I wouldn’t want to miss my wedding for the world and I think they feel the same way.

My point is that you kinda fell out of the picture…now put yourself back in. Involve yourself. They probably aren’t forgetting you one purpose, they might be doing it because everytime they called before you said no so they stopped asking. It feels weird at first – but stick with it and reconnect. It’s worth it.

 

Post # 10
Member
4495 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Don’t invite people for show. Maybe it was awkward for them, but at age 25 they should have been there for you when you needed them most. If it were high school that would be different, but they were grown adults when that happened and I can’t see avoiding a close friend because one of their family members is ill. If anything I would be around more for them. People have different ideas of what being a good friend means though.

I am a firm believer in ‘you find out who your friends are.’

Post # 11
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@anonanon:  I can relate to that. Obviously you situation is different, sorry about your mother. I had a lot of friends in high school and we were close, but after we all went to college, a lot of them drifted apart from me. Some still kept in touch, but after I met my Fiance, i stopped talking to most of them, we really had nothing in common anymore. I did make some new friends my first year of college, and I am still friends with a few of them, but they liked to party all of the time and I was in school and trying to maintain a Long distance relationship. I was driving two hours every other weekend to see him and he would come down to see me the other two weekends if he could. So I didn’t have time to party. Sometimes, certain friends are only there if you want to do what they want. I don’t have very many friends, but my sister is a few years younger and we are pretty close, but my Fiance is the main person I talk to. I think you should make an effort to get closer to your friends again, at least for your wedding. Maybe after that if you are still not happy with your relationships, you could look for some friends that suit you better.

Post # 12
Member
9139 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

@anonanon:  Sadly that is pretty common when somehting bad happens, especially if you are young and lose a parent.  Your friends probably had no idea how to comfort you and so they felt uncomfortable being around you.  Instead of making themselves available, they disappeared.

I lost a lot of friends when I got divorced; it seemed many of them thought that it threatened their relationships (it didn’t help that two couples in my group of friends ended up getting divorced a few months later.)

I would get in contact with the person from the group that I felt most comfortable with and talk to them about it.  Find out what their suggestion is regarding how to fold back into the group.  I don’t think these friendships are lost forever but you are going to have to take the first steps in getting back into contact with them to show that you have dealt with your grief and that you are ready to resume the friendships.

If you truly do not believe you can bury the hatchet with these people, then I highly recommend not including them in your wedding.  You will be disappointed when you look back at your pictures and see people you don’t like or trust standing next to you on your wedding day.

Post # 15
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

@anonanon:  I am so sorry to hear about all of this.

I have never really been a person to have friends, either. Growing up with a disability, and walking funny, I was never a person who made friends. I got made fun of most of the time. Maybe, even though it all seems like it for show now, things will get better once you see them at your wedding.

I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 16
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

@anonanon:  I started slow in yoga.  It can be pretty weird to strike up a convo out of nowhere, but I started with small comments.  Stuff like “I swear it’s extra hot in here today” or “It was nice practicing next to you today” , “thanks for not sticking your foot in my face :)”.  If your studio is like mine you sort of see the same people each time.  After awhile you’ll just naturally talk!

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