Post # 47
In her defense, I still think she was just doing what every MOB does. I had empathy with her, even though I wasn’t really thrilled about the impromptu wording of her critiques on my relationship.
As I see it, she was juggling two massively impossible roles.
1) Being MOB — i.e. making sure her daughter felt loved, supported, and like a very key individual amongst the large numbers of relatives that were present. We all knew — as in MOB, me, and bf — that was what she wanted and deserved here. Dragging bride’s brother’s girlfriend (a mouthful, right?) around on bridal stuff wasn’t really going to help MOB accomplish this. Not in my mind…and I think my bf is now on the same page with me as that.
2) Being a good mom to her full-grown son. — Interpret what you will about mother hen’s (and btw I don’t have one. My mom has a long-time reserved position in the upper rafters of my life. Which means – we talk once or twice a month. If you ask her who I am and what I do, the answers will be brief platitudes to cover years of estrangement and pretty bad all-around behavior) but this is a mom who unconditionally adores her children (…and hey, who can fault that?). However, she clearly felt a strong need to fight her son’s battles and take on responsibilities that were not her’s. Bf does seem a bit worried that she feels this way, and is considering talking to her a bit about it (…I don’t care if he does or doesn’t. But I think it might help if he really wants too).
Incidentally, if bf grows up (and yes, aren’t we all these days?) and becomes a bit like his mom…I wouldn’t mind. I’ve lived with the alternative. She’s human, and allowed her foibles. But that love strategy, I think it’s an unbeatable way to raise very nice, emotionally-confident, men (and women, I guess. I don’t know the sister well).
All three of her children are awesome testaments to great parenting. I only wish I could say the same about my little brother (my own mother’s greatest parenting mistake).
Post # 48
- Wedding: September 2019 - City, State
Wow. I guess you decided not to run.
I’ve been in situations where the BF is a mommy’s boy and certainly where the BF doesn’t bother to give his mother full disclosure about the relationship. In fact, I’m in one right now. I’m of the age now where I could care less if his mother likes me. I will do all the things I have to do to sustain the relationship, but I’m not here for her. I’m almost 39 years old, and we are supposedly getting engaged this month, but he has not told this woman that we are even back together.
Oh, did I forget to mention that after 7 years together, he ran away from home because I told him to propose or get out? Ran home right to mommy’s house. We’d been living together two years, and when we moved in together, I had to break that news to her, too, cause he didn’t. It was so funny. We’d been dating for I guess 5 years. He took me to his grandma’s funeral. First time I met the parents. His mom’s best friend is trying to figure out who I am because no one introduces me, probably cause his mother doesn’t even know who to tell anyone I am. So the friend asks me if I’m BF’s friend. I told her that we were in a relationship of five years and living together. Her friggin wig almost fell off.
Later, BF tells me my comment wasn’t appropriate. Hee hee…it wasn’t appropriate for everyone there to be guessing behind my back who I was and for me to be awkwardly stared at but not introduced out to anyone. Oh, when BF would introduce me, he’d just say, “this is honeybee1999.” and people would be waiting for the “and honeybee1999 is your….what exactly?” but he wouldn’t fill it in.
of course our problems are a whole nother case of nuts. You handled your issue pretty well. The only thing I’d have done differently is get my own room the first night I realized I had to share with anyone I didn’t know. Next thing I would have done is been a lot less helpful once I realized these people were freezing me out. Lastly, I would have insisted to the mom I was fine no matter how many times she asked. Oh and I might have blown up BF’s phone until I ruined his fun in the basement. But you are better than me, obviously. God bless you!
Post # 49
@pinkybunny: I just read the replys since I posted including your updates and wow, you handled everything so well, were so calm, and so reasonable. I slow clap for you.
Post # 50
My entire reaction to this: fuck outta here. Okay, I get MOB’s motivations, and it really was your bf who messed up, but how dare she talk down to a 30-year-old-woman about her private relationship? I love my bf’s mother but she has pulled weird passive aggressive stuff like that with me, but whenever my bf started playing mama’s boy, I’d just remind him that I’m the one fucking him, and if he wants an adult relationship with adult intimacy, I was not going to play the role of kid pal…or really, SISTER. She is not your parent.
I think it’s insane that you have been dating the bride’s brother for 4 years, have met the family many times, are living with him, were put to work, but were not involved in a way that made you feel included. The lack of basic etiquette there suprises me.
Wonder how MOB would’ve felt if another famly had put her daughter through that…guess only “little boys” need protection. You need to make sure your bf quickly mans-up and becomes ACTIVE in facilitating your relationship with his family. My bf used to screw me over because he always had the luxury of being oblivious to other people’s discomfort cause mom bent over backwards for him. He’s changed a lot though.
If you choose to stay with him you can decide how often you see his family. And a good tip: make friends with the Father-In-Law. Dads tend to not get involved in petty shit (and are men too, so not immune to wanting to pal around with a nice, young woman) and it’s good to have a rational voice that can say “I think she’s great for BF; you’re reading too much into it.” Pisses off Mother-In-Law too – haha, I’m petty, whatever.
Post # 51
You said you were a writer, is this for real? Because honestly, I have read it a couple of times, and it sounds like an essay. but if it is for real, you are very well written and… this is my thought…
We are planning a Vow Renewal for our 20th anniversary next year and that is why i am here, I say this because it leads me to my point…
My husband and I have been through EVERY WEDDING VOW POSSIBLE…
good times and bad…
I could give you the whole story, but it would take PAGES! so I will just go on with my point…
Through ALLLLL of this and 19 years later, his mother STILL hates me. Do I care? eh, I used to, I used to do “whatever it takes”. Then I realized… I would never be good enough so I friggin quit caring. My mother in law will always be his mom. I will always be his wife. Thats the end of it. After 19 years if she has not accepted me by now, she never will. Trust me, she has said and done some VERY hurtful things but my love for my husband means more to me than his mothers dislike for me. This is how I have always thought, and always will think.
Things may ALWAYS be like that with his mother. As they are with me and MY mother in law. She even said she isn’t coming to our vow renewal. Hurtful? yes. Worth taking up space in my brain and heart? no!
I wish you the best luck in your future, but be prepared that things may not change and once you are married, those are vows for a lifetime. Make sure you are prepared.
Post # 52
Your an amazing writer! got any books out? I’d love to read 🙂
but man oh man! you’ve dealth with all of that!? IDK how on earth you did that. I would have lost my mind and then some! YOU GOT BALLS! haha. best of luck to you girl.
Post # 53
You were so awesome during all of this caca that I stand up and applaud you. (As a fellow writer, I also get the write-or-die 3am thing, too.)
Post # 54
@loch_ness: Me too. I would rather sleep by myself than sleep with a bfs mom(not an in-law) that I barely know
Post # 55
@Ellegee: I agree with this post whole heartedly