(Closed) Abandonned and trying to interpret what happened (should I run??)

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
368 posts
Helper bee

I am really sorry he is treating you this way. It sounds like he just doesn’t want you around his friends, this basement place, and his family. Is there a reason he is being distant? How was your relationship before this wedding? You really need to talk to him and figure out what on earth is going on. This just seems so abnormal for such a long term relationship. Maybe he is just wrapped up in being back home or something. I just don’t undestand why he needs to be in this basement by himself partying. Also, can you get a hotel room now? I would just go be in hotel by myself than be with his mother right now.

Post # 4
Member
2031 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

It’s odd, but weddings bring out the odd side of everything.  I wouldn’t do anything about your relationship until you’ve returned home, and see how he is acting then.  It isn’t his wedding, but I’m sure that his mother and sister are stressing him out (and possibly putting pressure on him about when it’s *his* turn to get married).  As for the basement, it’s possible he didn’t want you to sleep in a basement with a bunch of drunk guys, and thought he was doing you a favor by offering you a chance to sleep in a bed where there is more privacy, since it’s only his mother.  And, while this might feel odd for you to share a room with his mom, he probably didn’t even think of it because it’s his mom.  

Mom sounds stressed (all mothers of brides are, no matter the wedding) but she is trying to include you, which is a good sign.  It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t like you, but she probably DOES feel bad that you weren’t included in the Spa day (which is usually for the bride and bridal party only anyway) and also since she said things like ‘You’ll want to sleep in’ or ‘Go see BF’ it actually sounds like she’s trying to be nice and not overwork you since this isn’t your wedding, you’re not a bridesmaid and you really have no responsibility to do all the work.  It’s nice that you’re offering, and I’m sure everyone appreciates it.

Post # 5
Member
1810 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@MerryWidow:  I’m in inclined to agree!

I wouldn’t do anything drastic just yet, but I feel for you. If your bf is planning on hosting a LAN party and if you don’t play the game, then maybe he thought that you’d be bored. I would wait till this weekend is over and then have a chat with him in a non-accusatory way.

Post # 6
Member
1370 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I think you’re overreacting a bit. I know it’s awkward, but it’ll be over soon.

Boyfriend or Best Friend definitely has some explaining to do, but weddings can bring out the worst in people. You really need to have a rational discussion about it before just flying home and ending things.

I’m not saying what he’s been doing is okay, but it’s not exactly end an otherwise  good relationship worthy, either. Is something else going on? Does he have a history of abandoning you at parties and whatnot?

You’re almost through the weekend, I would just suck it up, smile and have a very frank disucssion when the dust has settled.

Post # 7
Member
1471 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I dont think you are overreacting at all!!!!  I think this may be a bad sign.  This is more then just brining out the odd in people…..  Its not like you are some new girl, some new date… you have been together 4 years!!! why doesnt he want to spend time with you????  I just can imagine being treated this way, I feel so bad for you 🙁 

You really need to sit down and talk with him, why doesnt he want you around? or want to spend the night with you?? 

Post # 8
Member
1576 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I really do not think you are over-reacting at all. You have been polite, pleasant and exceedingly helpful and for your trouble you get attitude and abandonment. I would be out of there ASAP and no, I do not think it is a good sign in terms of your relationship. Try to stay calm and just get through it (although personally, I would not be offering any additional help with bf’s sister’s wedding) and I would be having a very frank discussion with bf once back home.

Post # 9
Member
1699 posts
Bumble bee

I hope you have had a good night’s sleep and a time to sit over a nice latte and put things into perspective. And I hope the hotel, or a nearby hotel, motel or B&B, has a vacancy that you can check into for tonight; preferably with a broadband Internet connection where you can go play some massively multiplayer net based role playing games on your own instead of watching other girls get their nails varnished.

Your “hostess”, whatever her motivation, is not being all that hospitable, and losing the privilege of having you as her guest is the logical consequence.  Reserve a taxicab to take you to the venue too, so that you stop feeling like an indigent fifth wheel. Best case, if you CAN find a private room, your fiancé might join you there tonight rather than slum it in The Basement for another night, but if not at least you can be comfortable. 

You have already gone above and beyond what is expected from an honoured guest, and your efforts haven’t evoked appreciation or even decent care for your needs. So my dear, for the rest of this weekend, take care of yourself. Put yourself first. Dine, dance and party exactly as much as you find it to be enjoyable; feel free to snack or nap or just withdraw when you feel hungry or tired or ‘unwell’ — that last being social code for “I don’t feel like it.”

Surprisingly, some people are much sweeter and more appreciative for small acts of thoughtfulness from those of us who are basically selfish, than for extensive service from people who are genuinely kind. I suspect your fiance’s mother undervalues you because she interprets your cooperativeness as servility. So respond by showing that you value yourself highly.

Post # 11
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Out of Town weddings are hard.  I had a similar experince (not quite so intense but I totally know how you felt) twice in one summer with my now fiance.  Very similar.  I didn’t think about breaking up, but it was so hard and I was so upset.  I’m glad it all worked out!

Post # 12
Member
165 posts
Blushing bee

Hmmm maybe I’m just not really getting the message right from reading your posts, but it seems to me that this is not really a big deal. Weddings can be a stressful and confusing time for some people. Perhaps that’s what was going on? It seems as though his mom actually does care about you (although I know it may have been different physically being there). Perhaps she didn’t know that you were intended to go to the spa day, or she thought it wasn’t a big deal and that it may be awkward for you. Just wanted to put my two cents in for the opposition because my own family lacks in the sensitivity to other peoples feelings department. I hope you get it all sorted out!

Post # 13
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My favorite part of the story was when you went to the reception venue to help set up.  You took your energy and put it towards creating a positive experience for the bride and groom. 

I also think you hit the nail on the head when telling the mom that you and the bf were having ‘communication issues.’  Quite an understatement for such a long relationship.  I hope that’s getting better for the both of you! 

Best, 

Eois

 

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