- 5 years ago
- Wedding: April 2013
I am recently married to a super wonderful man and I couldn’t be any happier, he has two beautiful daughters, 5 and 7, from a previous marriage. These little girls have made my life into something more amazing than I ever thought it could be. In the last three and a half years, I’ve spent countless hours taking care of them when they’re sick, potty training, reading to them, baking with them, and generally growing to love them as if they were my own. I could not imagine loving them more; I just don’t think it’s possible.
Their mother is also recently remarried to a seemingly very nice guy and the other day the girls were eating breakfast and I overheard them talking about what’s going to happen when their mom has a new baby. And I’ll be honest, maybe even a bit naive to say, but I didn’t ever consider her having more children. She’s not the most maternal person and despite the fact that I know she loves the girls, she’s not very responsible with them. They’ve missed 11 days of school this year, some just because she wanted to keep them home to look for puppies; a few because she was too busy with her own wedding to get them to school. She’s not stupid, she knows that it isn’t right and that they should be in school, but she just doesn’t care. She recently quit a great full time job. Everyone lost their healthcare, and suddenly we were keeping the girls a few extra days a week because she was working nights part time. (Not that we mind extra time with them at all). One year for Mother’s Day she went out of town with her friends and didn’t even see or speak to the girls. Both she and my husband were very young when the girls came to be and I’ve just always gotten the impression that she’s not all that interested in mothering, that it was just something that happened to her.
Now, I’m in my early 20’s with no children of my own, finishing up my bachelor’s degree in Elementary Education and we’re seriously considering having babies. My husband has always wanted a boy and I’ve just always wanted to be a mother. The kind that everyone knows makes the best chocolate chip cookies, that kind of mother.
But now, I’m finding myself feeling very guilty and selfish about the whole thing. I’m imagining this world where the girls have brothers and/or sisters all over the place and no matter which of our houses they’re at; they feel like they don’t belong. When I was a teenager my dad remarried and my step mom had kids the same age as my brother and I. They lived full time with my dad and step mom and whenever my brother and I stayed there it felt like we were intruding on their routine. It wasn’t comfortable and it resulted in me spending a lot more time at my mom’s house to avoid the situation.
I don’t want to do anything to give the girls the feeling that they aren’t our first priority and I feel like if they’ve got sibling in both families they might start to feel like they aren’t as important to either group. I’m not in any way saying that if or when my husband and I have children that genetically belong to both of us, that my relationship with the girls will change, or that I won’t care for them as much, that they won’t be a top priority. I’m just terrified that they might someday find themselves feeling out of place where they’re supposed to feel at home. I’ve been feeling so guilty thinking about this that I’ve even mentioned to my husband that maybe we don’t need to have kids. But that’s something that I never entertained before I thought that their mother might be having more children. Is it stupid of me to consider not having kids for the sake of these beautiful babies? Even if that’s not something their mother is considering? Am I over thinking it? Has anyone grown up in a family like the one I’m talking about creating? Thoughts? Feelings?