Post # 1
I somehow landed myself into yet another crap situation with the in-laws. I have posted before how my husband’s sister and her husband and daugther came to live with us last year shortly after our wedding….after being put out of their place by her husband’s father, for reasons I never quite understood. Well that was quite a while ago, and yes it was less than ideal having them move in while we were still newlyweds…and under the guise it was just for a short while, when a short while turned into 6 months. Finally they got their own place, but sadly things fell apart after about a year there….her husband took off, is wanted for some pretty serious crimes. she would love to divorce him but has no idea where he is, he’s actually a fugitive, and being sought with every efffort by local agencies. He took their car and all their money. Leaving her and her daugther with no place to go exept to try and stay in their apartment until the landlord forced them out. They landlord was kind enough to let them stay through the holidays.
They have been here ever since. yes I agreed to it because of all they have been through but made it very clear they need to find another siatioatn by beginning of March, as we need this time to ourselves to get ready for babies alone…have some peace and quiet before the chaos sets in….this should be really our time together to get ready to be parents. And as much as I KNOW I will need help, and as much as I will welcome it, I really don’t want extra people observing me as a new mom 24 hours a day, I’d like to figure things out on my own.
Well here I am, weeks away from delivery, at END of march and she’s still here with her daughter. We tried to have a seirous talk with ehr the other day but she kept diverting her eyes, looking at her phone saying she would hopefully figure something out in the next week, not saying much at all. We didn’t easily drop the subject but kept at it even though she appeared very uncomfortable. She hasn’t been able to find work, I personally dont’ think she can find work, I think she has some issues with ehr background she’s not telling us. My husband has a hard time because his niece is involved, he asked if she coudl stay while his sister leaves for a while and I think he’s just missing the point.
I had a hard time expressing why I need this time without htem around, and that it’s nothing to do with them personally. We plan to have this covo again here int he next couple days, any advice?
Post # 2
Honestly, I think you just need to put your foot down about what is important to you. Be polite and understanding, but 100% firm. Clearly your SIL is in the position of just drifting and won’t move out or get work unless she is pushed into taking action. So you need to a set a specific date for her moving out deadline and make no exceptions. Maybe put aside some money for her to move with if you can afford to be generous. In the worst case scenario, tell her she can come back again a few months after the babies are born. You may appreciate the help at that point!
It can’t hurt to point out to your husband that this whole situation is stressing you out and stress is not a good thing for a pregnant lady. There is nothing wrong with wanting some time alone with the babies after giving birth, even if you love and care for your SIL. I honestly think it will be better for her if she is pushed to find work too. She needs to be thinking about school costs and retirement on top of being able to earn a living wage. And if she starts looking at her phone again, tell her to please put it down and listen. That is seriously rude and you shouldn’t have to put up with it.
Post # 3
fresitachulita: i work at a housing pro bono clinic and i find government housing every day for people without jobs. literally every day. does she not qualify for benefits? social housing? a women’s residence for women with kids trying to get on their feet?
it doesn’t matter that they have you – that shouldn’t prejudice her against receiving services. I never ask my clients ‘do you have a family member you could live with?’. your husband needs to make an appointment at the local council (city hall, whatever) and take his sister and see what’s available to her.
otherwise – where are your husband’s parents? can she stay with them? friends?
this is craziness – you certainly don’t want them in an unsafe environment, but i would be telling my husband to figure.it.out. because i’m about to have twins and want some peace and quiet before the delivery and privacy after.
also – depending on your jurisdiction, she can divorce him even though he can’t be found to serve papers to.
Post # 4
I was in a similar situation with my best friend. I told her she had to go as soon as I got pregnant with us starting to try 3 months after she moved in. Well we got lucky the first real try and she is still here. I’m now 20 weeks along, but we put our foot down and she’s leaving next week. I’m sorry you are in this situation and that you feel stuck. I for one think you’re a saint for letting them stay as long as you have. my pregnancy hormones make EVERYTHING ten times more annoying so her presence has been grating on my nerves!!
Post # 5
peonyinlove: I agree there’s gotta be somewhere else the sil can go it just may not be as convenient as you and your husband are making it. Cousin, mom and dad, aunt and uncle, friend?
I know I sound cold but trust me when I say if you kick her out today that she would find a place to lay her head.
Please don’t think you’re being mean or selfish, if anything you’ve been selfless to give up the time for you and your husband to be intimate in your marriage. And I’m certain there are aspects of your marriage where your SIL is at the center of your conflict.
My suggestion give her a clear timeline to move and start charging her rent. If she doesn’t pay then she’s gotta go. Make it uncomfortable for her. Change the locks if you have to so the only way she can be in the house is if one of you let her in. Also you and your husband need to maintain a unified front none of this good cop bad cop. We want you to leave.
Op I’m sorry you’re dealing with this but at least you know now what to do when the next person comes to your doorstep looking for a hand out.
Post # 6
Thanks everyone. yeah, I mean there has to be places for them to go. When they first when through all the stuff with her husband she had applied for some assitance with housing, especially since they are victims of abuse, etc….I thought it would work out but she kept saying that it wasn’t working out or wasn’t what she expected (the process). As far as DH’s parents go, his father has passed, his mother actually lives with us permanently, the only in law I have ever agreed to living with us on a permanent basis. So you see there are way too many people in my house at this point!! AND there is about to be two more. We have a 3 bedroom house on top of that. They sleep in my mother in laws room or on the couch since obvousy we don’t open our room to them and the babies room has been off limits. There is plent of family around, the deal is they all live in sardine cans, and that’s just their culture….hardly anyone is denied a spot on the floor, couch, spare bed to family, wether they work or not, pay rent or not…we are pretty much the only family in the area that doesn’t live this way, although we are verging on it! When me and myhusband argue about it he usually sympathizes and is on my side totally, at other times he gets very upset and says “just kick them out on the street” in order to make me feel guilty. The excuse why they can’t go stay with other family is that they “already have too many people there”…..and the reason I get is that she doesn’t want her daugther changing schools again…(she has changed schools 3 times in the last year). It ends up being allot of “I want, I don’t want” because of this or that…what about what WE WANT! It’s our house. My husbadn honestly is not bothered by his family being here, he grew up in a sardine can and it doens’t phase him…the only reason it bothers him is because it bothers me.
she does have money saved, as well as child support coming in. I do know that…she has the money to move…just no job. I am hoping my mother in law will co sign a lease for them and that her son who does work will go live with them and help out since he himself is stuck at one of those full houses. It’s all totally doble, they are just acting helpless!!!
Post # 7
fresitachulita: I wish you the best on this. I even had a hard time telling a friend they could not spend the night, because I had things to do and needed space to think.
Post # 8
fresitachulita: I retract my statement with this additional information. Forget about telling your SIL to move, you move with your husband and don’t tell them where you live. Sorry but that was my initial reaction to the drama you’re dealing with. I’m sure it’s not been helpful for you or the babies.
On a serious note: The only other suggestion I have is taking her down to the housing department and walking her through the process to get her own place. Fine she doesn’t want to move her daughter during the school year. Then the goal should be between July and early August to encourage her to get a job and apartment.
Hugs to you either way.
Post # 9
God this really sucks. But I second PPs…your husband and you need to provide a united front on kicking them out of the house. Its not mean…they are freeloading right now and will continue to freeload (and act helpless) because its easier than applying and getting housing assistance.
Post # 10
Nope, I would not put up with this. FI’s siblings already have a knack of “crashing” on peoples’ couches and staying for a “short while.” I’ve already had the talk with him that anyone is allowde to crash on our couch if they are drunk or are in a dier situation but I will not let anyone stay in my house more than two days unless they are out of town guests. At this point in your life I would tell your husband that either they move out or you and the babies will go stay somewhere less crowded, like a hotel or something. No new mother should have to live with her in-laws and twins in a three bedroom house. It is just to crowded and will get to crazy. You deserve more than that. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
Post # 11
No way would I allow these squatters to stay in my house any longer. There comes a time when every adult needs to be repsponsible for themselves and their children (if applicable). It sounds like she’s had adequate oppertunity to get back on her feet but she has chosen not to because mooching off of you and your husband is easier. Well, if it were me, she’d find herself homeless. It’s unfortunate that there is a kid involved but I wouldn’t be surprised if she uses the niece as a bargaining chip to keep a roof over their heads. She’s the mother. She needs to step up and figure her shit out. Countless women find themselves in the same situation and they’re able to straighten out their lives for the sake of their children. Honestly, I have very little respect for people like your SIL and there is NO way that I would allow her irresponsibility to negatively impact your life any longer.
Post # 12
fresitachulita: I would be going crazy if I was having twins and didn’t have my house to myself, even a single baby. Your husband doesn’t seem to understand how you’re feeling and doesn’t seem like he’s going to kick his sister out any time soon. It’s his family so he doesn’t feel the need for them to leave. And you don’t want to be even more stress and uncomfortable when the babies come. I would maybe make a point and if you can, stay at your parent’s house a couple of weeks after babies are born. That way you can have your space, if it’s just your parents there and FI would understand how serious you are about needing your space. If not, doesn’t seem like there’s much you cab do since he didn’t see a problem with her staying there and your SIL is clearly not going to help herself.
Post # 13
Geez. This is crazy and I feel for you. I don’t know how you’ve kept your cool this long.I would maybe take her to a shelter for women and children? They would then be able to offer her the social services she needs (help getting a job, etc).
With that said, I do think some names and labels being used by some bees are a bit much. I also come from a multi-cultural family and in other cultures what you are describing is actually normal/ok. Families are more tightly knit and having 10+ people over one roof is not an issue. In some Eastern cultures it is even seen as a blessing and is super fulfilling.
NOT saying this should be fulfilling for you. LOL. Just pointing out that we can all sometimes have very narrow perspective of what “normal” or “doable” is.
Post # 14
LuluInLove: thanks for pointing out the cultural aspects of the situation. I think much of our conflict stems from cultural differences. At the same time…if my pothead brother had been sleeping in out couch for the last 3 months with no real plans to leave…I’m certain my husband would be livid! Although he will never understand how I feel because that would never happen. We had another argument about this tonight. I feel I have been very very patient and easygping about more than just this situation over the last few months. I’ve had it, he wanted to go out tonight with some friends and I said fine and as I was dropping him off at the pub my blood began to boil as I learned his sister had gone out too, hadn’t been home at all this weekend so far and is out with her new man friend having fun, going to movies and bars and probably wouldn’t be back until late tomorrow. I just got I curated that she wasn’t even out looking for a place and there seems to be zero sense of urgency! Husband got upset and feels like I’m not handling this well…and he basically decided to just go home and go to sleep And turn his back to me after we trie talking it out. He just says to kick them out…but tht I will have to be the one to do it. I said that’s unfair. It’s not kicking them out it’s sticking to our agreement! she better not act like she was just hit by a truck because she has known for a while that this baby is coming and her being there was not part of the plan. I told my husband we will give them through next weekend to get their things and go. If they want to get an apartment lined up, it’s not going to happen this quickly obviously (not our fault she hasn’t been looking when she knew she was past deadline) so they will need to stay somewhere else while they figure that out.
i also feel like they have been ignorant or just in denial about how soon the babies is coming. I’ll be 34 weeks next Wednesday. Twins are considered full term at 37 weeks. typically delivered between 35 and 38 weeks….only once and a whole do they remain for 40 weeks. You are usually at least given the option f induction by 38 weeks due to the stress multiples olace on the body. They won’t even try to stop labor if I go into it after next week.
My cervix measured 1.78cm one month ago. At that point preterm labor was a concern. But there have been no other signs other than I have started to have contractions showing up on my NST’s.
the babies will be here before end of April…period! i need to mentally prepare. I’m scared shitless like any new mom. I love my SIL and everything she’s done to help me prepare For the twins…like her very generous gift of two car seats and she has been cooking almost daily And cleans up every week. But she’s an alcoholic, procrastinator who’s made some crap choices that got her into this mess. In the end she is able bodied and needa to figure this like an adult.
We we will see what happens tomorrow. although the hubs and I don’t agree on how I’m handling the suasion he said ultimatly he gets how I feel and will support me. We don’t plan to stay quiet any longer. Now I just wish he would stop the whole “upset with me” body language and silenice. Ughh.
Post # 15
That isnt fair to you OP. Your hubby is dropping the ball big time. His priority needs to be your expanding family. And not on his iresponsible sister who he is enabling.