About to have our third child, still no engagement!

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
9471 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

1 – Don’t play stupid games. It’s immature and shows poor communication skills. Don’t throw him curveballs just to see how he reacts. 

2 – You don’t need a ring to get engaged.

3 – A marriage license costs like $30. That’s how much it costs to get married, you can do it any time. I’d tell him to pick a date and time and let’s get it done.

Post # 3
Member
536 posts
Busy bee

Okay, first off, toss the word ‘nagging’ out of your vocabulary. In so many contexts ‘nagging’ is actually the vocalization of a person’s frustration at not being listened to. Example: if you have to ‘nag’ someone 5 times to take out the garbage, this is actually someone ignoring you the first 4 times so that it BECOMES a continuing issue. And your future is a helluva lot more important than the kitchen garbage being put out. 

Second, if he is seriously only hindered by money, sit down and make a DO-ABLE plan with him to make engagement and a wedding you can afford happen. This can be as simple as a courthouse wedding and cake and punch in your living room, a backyard BBQ etc. You can start an engagement/ wedding savings jar together. You can get engaged with an affordable ring or with no ring at all. Money is only a roadblock to engagement and marriage if it’s allowed to be. Even with 2 or 3 kids. You could even just have immediate family and have your little ones help bake the wedding cake- how sweet is that? 

And if he can afford a stag do, then I’m assuming you guys have at least some discretionary income. I’m side-eyeing the fact he found money for his friend’s event but not a ring, but I’m tryiing to stay positive and offer you helpful advice. 

If he won’t sit down with you and set out an affordable do-able plan to get engaged and married in the reasonably near future, then it seems money is just an excuse and in this unfortunate scenario I would demand some honesty. This is your life too Bee. 

Post # 4
Member
4994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

impatientlypatientlywaiting :   the sole reason we haven’t yet got engaged is down to money. Now normally, I’d say that was just a ‘line’, but it is however, the complete truth.

Sorry to break it to you but that is far from the complete truth. It doesn’t cost much to get married, if you can have a third child then you can afford to get married.

If you have three children and have been together 5 years I would save for the ring together and do a quick civil ceremony followed by a nice dinner with family.

Post # 5
Member
2705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle

You don’t need more than whatever a marriage license costs where you are to get married.  The ring etc is just trappings. Go to the courthouse and get married then do a big vow renewal in ten years.

Post # 6
Member
4908 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Have you reminded him that marriage pales in comparison to having three kids together?

Post # 8
Member
427 posts
Helper bee

You don’t need money to get married. A marriage license is like fifteen dollars. That’s all you need. Done. You don’t need a dress. You don’t need a ring. You don’t need flowers.

Post # 9
Member
999 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  If you guys have agreed that you’re going to get married, then you’re technically already engaged. Congratulations! Now start saving for that big wedding you both want.

Post # 10
Member
4994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  Once engaged, I’m completely okay with knowing we have 3+ years to save for a wedding,but without the engagement, it’s like I’d be saving for nothing, if that makes sense? 

No, with 3 children you should be saving anyway. The fact that you need to know there is a wedding coming up to save in general isn’t a great attitude.

I don’t want you to feel like you can’t have what you dreamed of but the time for a wedding was maybe after child 1. If affording a wedding was so important why did you have two further children? If it is going to take you 3 years to save up for a small budget wedding then perhaps that money would be better spent on your kids? 

Post # 11
Member
7906 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

This isn’t adding up bee. You say you’re desperate to get married, but you’re prioritizing literally everything else above a marriage: a party, a stag-do, a ring, having children…

If getting married is the most important thing for you, do it. 

Post # 12
Member
6394 posts
Bee Keeper

If you want to get married why worry about the rings?  Can you tell your boyfriend that?  Stop playing games and be honest.  If marriage is what matters to you most, $25 for a marriage license and get married with a justice of the peace.

Post # 13
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Why do you keep having kids with him? Honestly, this is on you at this point.

Post # 14
Member
1046 posts
Bumble bee

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  It doesn’t sound like you want to be married, it sounds like you want a wedding and an engagement. As PP said, if you wanted to be married, a civil ceremony takes a small portion of an afternoon and less money than it costs to buy take-away on the weekend.

You yourself, as well as your partner, have prioritized children, parties, stag dos, and who knows what else in order to experience those things first. I’d LOVE to have a vow renewal ceremony somewhere private, tropical and intimate — with a ring upgrade and a beautiful new dress. I’d love that moment to feel special. But, we don’t save for that because as much as I’d “love to” do it, it isn’t a priority or something we need or really want.

It sounds like you are getting the things that fall into your priority category, and are pushing this off as a couple because it is a mutual reduced priority. I don’t see a reason to be engaged with an inexpensive ring if you already feel valid, secure and official in your relationship and are planning to wait 3+ years for a wedding. An engagement is to me a social indicator/announcement that you plan to wed someone. Usually soonish. After the engagement announcement, people will ask what the next planning steps are. You won’t have them for several years.

So, knowing that and being certain that you are going to spend your life with him regardless of marriage, do you want to pursue an official engagement soon?

If so, I think you should just tell him. Let him know that you would like the “title,” and that it would make you feel closer to him and more loved — or whatever emotional reasons you have for desiring the engagement now. Let him know that the ring can be inexpensive, and that you are comfortable waiting many years to actually wed in the way you want to. With those understandings, hopefully he will have a fuller picture of your emotions and desires and if you have a strong relationship and he feels similarly, the next step (engagement) will happen naturally without late-night game playing and “testing.”

Post # 15
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

You want a real wedding, which can cost anywhere from $10000 to $20000, so why are you so concerned about the affordability of the ring? A decent moissy can cost $500. The big wedding is what is really going to hold you back, not a ring.

Just compromise. If he’s more concerned about the wedding than the ring (as he should be) then get a nice ring and have a cheap wedding. 

You have to figure out what’s important to you. If you want a big wedding, just come to grips with the fact that you might not get one until the kids are grown up (he will be focused on money going towards the kids, as he should be). If you simply want to be married, just go to a courthouse. 

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