About to have our third child, still no engagement!

posted 4 months ago in Engagement
Post # 31
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

You don’t need money to get married. That’s the fakest excuse ever. Getting married is cheap. Rings and fancy weddings cost money but that’s not the cost to “get married”. I can’t believe you’ve let things go on for three kids already and you’re afraid of coming off as nagging. You’re the mother of his children for crying out loud! You’re allowed to want to be his wife.

Post # 32
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

Actually if he hasn’t given you a nice proposal after you’ve had THREE kids with him, he probably never will. Your best bet is just drag him to the courthouse and get it done. If you’re waiting for a romantic proposal and “engagement” period it’ll probably never happen.

Post # 33
Member
16 posts
Newbee

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  

 

 

Essentially you want to feel like your partner is choosing you and asking to be with you for life rather than just going along with the flow because you’ve had 3 kids in very quick succession?

I don’t think you have to worry about ‘nagging’ him, I think you need to have a real think about why it hasn’t happened yet. In 5 years you must have had conversations about your future and expectations? If he knows you don’t want an expensive ring or elaborate proposal costing lots of money, whats been holding him back?

You mentioned various costs and life expenses getting in the way, but 100 quid on a ring is really a nothing expense to save up for. A heartfelt proposal is free. None of the reasons you mentioned for not getting engaged yet hold up if you made it clear you wanted the sentiment and not the trinkets. 

Im also going to ask the typical Mumsnet questions when this topic gets bought up – what legal risks are there if you wait to get married? Do you own a house together/live in a house he owns? Have seperate bank accounts? Does he have any assets to his name? Does he have a will leaving those assets to you/he kids? 

If you have kids, you need to think about the above because waiting to get married and have a special day is all well and good unless the worst happens and you’re worse off financially because you didnt get down to a registry office. 

Post # 34
Member
481 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019 - Southampton, UK

You don’t need an engagement ring, an engagement, and a wedding to get married. With three kids, I think your time of courtship is over. If you want to be married, call the registrar’s office and make an appointment. Pick up inexpensive wedding bands if you’d like. If you really have your heart set on a fancy ring, that can be an anniversary gift later.

Post # 35
Member
2748 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  you want to be his wife,  he talks the talk but the bottom line is HE ISN’T WILLING to marry you now. If you were assertive and set up an appointment at court tomorrow with him,  he would NOT go, he would make excuses. You suspect as much, hence your *test*you mentioned in your first post. (Notice his response of:”…but YOU want to get married”…)  Rings, weddings, parties are smokescreens, things to use as excuses so you feel less publically (& privately) rejected…..

Honestly at this point you have 3 kids.  You can settle for girlfriend/baby mamma status as you have been, or you can leave.  There’s no magic wand/ no magic words that can make him *want* to marry you.  I’m truly sorry.

Post # 37
Member
7412 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

You seem to want the proposal more than the actual marriage. If you feel like there is romance missing in your relationship — which is common for couples who have been together for a while, especially when there’s kids in the picture– sit down with your boyfriend, explain what you think romance is and why it’s important to you, and plan something romantic together. But you also need to ask him what he thinks is romantic, and how he thinks/tries to demostrate his love for you. 

A proposal on its own only fixes this situation for a short while. Then pretty soon you’ll be back where you are, feeling like you feel now. It’s better to work with your partner together to identify what’s missing in your relationship and find wasy to fill those needs.

 

Post # 38
Member
2199 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019 - Chateau Lake Louise

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  I guess I have to ask; how is it you are surprised he’s not much a planner after three unintentional pregnancies?

Like, live your life and all, but the situation you describe is one of playing perpetual catch-up after failing to make well-considered plans. That isn’t suddenly going to shift dramatically at the arbitrarily chosen 5 year mark. 

You and he are sharing a life and have been for many years now. You also share responsibility for the lives of three other people. This isn’t just about your desire for the romantic gesture or a traditional wedding experience; it is about making an active choice – together – to protect your children and officially declare yourselves a family. 

Be direct. Tell him you want to be engaged. Don’t make it a joke. Be earnest and sincere. Tell him you don’t need an expensive ring – you can get a stand in for now, if money is really at issue – but that it is time to commit to the future of your family. 

If he still balks, then you have your answer. It’s not about money, it’s about seeing no need to put any additional effort into planning for the future than either of you already has. 

Post # 39
Member
286 posts
Helper bee

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting the explicit commitment of an engagement with a ring. It’s a public declaration that you two have decided you’re in this for keeps, or you’ve chosen each other, or whatever it signifies to you officially. 

Have you directly told him that you’re ready for this next step? That you want an (inexpensive) ring and to publicly tell people you’re engaged by ______ date? Have you included the fact that you also want to set a wedding date and a budget and set concrete goals for making that happen? You can have an actual wedding on a tiny budget. We hosted a lunch/cake wedding for 20 in an art gallery for about $800, including officiant, venue, food, attire, decor. You can still have it all (sort of), but you have to actively plan it.

Post # 40
Member
269 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Sansa85 :  ha, we had a small wedding because I couldn’t fathom paying the rough equivalent to my GRADUATE SCHOOL TUITION on one day!

Post # 41
Member
839 posts
Busy bee

You taught him by building a family first he doesn’t need to make a real commitment to you. I don’t see how you can change what you’ve already accepted. 

Post # 42
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

And I call bullshit on “falling pregnant” accidentally 3 times. If that’s the case, maybe you should take some sex ed classes.  Getting pregnant doesn’t just come on like a migraine. If you weren’t preventing it (especially after the first two) then you were trying.

Post # 44
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

He will make you a mother but not a wife? All together, my elopement wedding cost us….$500. And that’s counting the dress and jewelry. 

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