About to have our third child, still no engagement!

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 46
Member
4276 posts
Honey bee

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  So you’re saying y’all can sit down and have frank discussions about raising children together and make concrete plans for the conceiving and paying and raising of these children for the next 18 – 23+ years but you’re incapable of doing so to plan an engagement and wedding?  Really?  How on earth does that make any amount of sense?

Post # 47
Member
2914 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

impatientlypatientlywaiting : The stag do thing does sound like an excuse, I mean there will pretty much always be something coming up that will be expensive, especially with having three children. After the stag do will he find something else that is keeping him from saving for a ring?

Why don’t you guys save for the ring together, if you’re only looking at rings that are a couple hundred dollars it shouldn’t take THAT long to come up with? He can propose, you can get married at the courthouse and save up for a bigger wedding or vow renewal to have later down the line with all your friends and family?

Post # 48
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

 

impatientlypatientlywaiting : So you planned to have a baby within 18 months of meeting your boyfriend? And then planned the other 2? No matter if they were on purpose or not this was a plan, that you executed, that you now have to accept and live with. Kids are expenseive, you choose to have kids and that expense over the expense of an engagement and a wedding. Either step up and tell him you want an engagement in the next few months or keep going along as it is. Only you have to lay in this bed you made, so make sure its one you are happy with. Wishing it was different has no purpose. 

Post # 49
Member
211 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sorry, it doesn’t sound like he wants to get married to you and/or spend any money on rings and wedding related expenses. You have the choices of sitting him down this weekend and say

1. I want to get married. Do it cheaply with the $250 ring. Go to the store and buy it together. You must have $250 saved between the both of you?? Declare yourself engaged or Tell him you want the proposal by x date (if you really want/need the romantic proposal part). Get married at your house/family’s house and have a reception in your backyard or at an inexpensive restaurant. Have a very small guest list.

2. Accept that he will never marry you and be content as his girlfriend and mother of his children. My friend has accepted her status as girlfriend and mother of 1 child with her boyfriend.  At least he told her he doesn’t want to get married and she has decided to stay. Her choice (although I know it makes her sad).

or 

3. leave (but you said that wasn’t an option)

 

Post # 50
Member
3534 posts
Sugar bee

Oy.

Forget the big wedding. You’re not with a man who can provide that. You have 3 kids and very little money if a £250 ring is a stretch. Money is just a convenient excuse anyway. There will always be something else he’d rather spend it on – like a damn bachelor party ffs.

Stop having children with this man and have some pride instead. Three kids and he can’t motivate himself to marry you, but you’re worried about nagging him? That’s pathetic. Just tell him, “we’re buying a ring and going to the courthouse to get married – today”. Also, your “curveballs” are idiotic. 

Sorry not sorry for the blunt words. You just don’t seem to acknowledge reality.

Post # 51
Member
9567 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Marrying you isn’t a priority.

It’s not a priority for him because he gets nothing out of proposing to you and marrying you. 

There isn’t anything anyone can do to change that or to give him incentive to want to marry you if he doesn’t already. 

Post # 52
Member
11638 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

With three children to support, the traditional wedding ship should have long, long since sailed. 

I would absolutely rethink your priorities. Get married now and have a nice anniversary party or a delayed casual reception if and when the day comes that those things are responsible expenses. If paying for a friend’s stag do wiped him out, then he had no business attending that either. 

You can get married in a simple band and postpone the engagement style ring. It’s not a question of deserving these things. The reality is they are unaffordable right now. That doesn’t mean you should put your marital status on hold for years on end. That’s absurd. 

And why are you telling him you don’t want to get married when you obviously do? To make him feel guilty? Don’t play that game.

Post # 53
Member
4924 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

weddingmaven :  i think she did it so he would say “but why don’t you want to get married, I want to! Let’s do it”

Just a game and he didn’t take the bait

Post # 54
Member
67 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

First of all a courthouse wedding is a real wedding.  Second, if you have 3 kids with this guy in less than 5 years your children are EXTREMELY young and you haven’t breached on how expensive kids are.  I have to say we have spent tens of thousands of dollars just on Sports fees for mine, and they both only played 1 sport!  You need to forget the proposal and wedding and wasting money that really needs to be put back for the children.  Heck-if you have a boy you probaby should start a seperate fund right now for when he becomes a teenager and eats non stop!

Post # 55
Member
3001 posts
Sugar bee

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  Im looking at both sides – i get where you’re coming from about just because you have 3 kids doesnt mean yo should have to skip the engagement and wedding process all together. You deserve it.

but what everyone is saying is, you seem be bothered by no engagement at this point. But at the same time you say you planned to have children with him without the ring. Knowing kids are expensive and cost much less than a ring. Thats fine, to each their own but you cant complain about it when you were an active participant in the decision.

Could you get engaged and purchase a ring together? Could you get a cheaper stand in ring and upgrade later? There are solutions here and you dont have to wait around – tell him its time and before this 3rd baby comes, you would like to be officially engaged. 

Again, you DO deserve it. Its not too much to ask. 

Post # 56
Member
6897 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

1. He isn’t going to marry you. Sorry for being blunt…but if he was going to marry you he wouldn’t let excuses get in the way. He’d get a ring and propose. 

2. I get accidents happen, but when you are on baby #3 with a man who won’t propose to you after you’ve said it’s important to you……why are you still having kids with this man? 

3. You say a modest wedding is attainable for you, so at this point that should be proof enough that it’s not a money issue. Again, if he wanted to do it he would have.

Post # 57
Member
1138 posts
Bumble bee

I see your point and agree that just because you have three kids you shouldn’t give up a proposal and a wedding. However, I agree with the bees when they’re saying if this really was something important to you both you would have prioritised that over having three kids and going on stag dos etc. Kids are extremely expensive and I understand having maybe one accident, but you went on to have two more. Yes you can have a beautiful proposal and the ring, but if it will take months to save up for a £250 ring then realistically how are you going to afford a wedding? You will have to make large cutbacks to afford even the cheapest traditional wedding e.g. a registry office, buffet in a hall and a disco, as it will cost thousands of £s.

If a proposal and wedding are important to you then you need to be more realistic about what kind of wedding you can afford to have. I think a registry office followed by a meal for your immediate friends and family would be the most realistic option. If you want a large traditional wedding the money has to come from somewhere, and when you have three kids to think of and what seems like a very tight budget I personally wouldn’t feel comfortable with sacrificing things for my family (which is realistically what will happen unless your family will pay) so I could have a big party. 

Post # 58
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Here’s my advice: tell him to stop fucking about and get on with it 

 

 

you’re welcome 

Post # 59
Member
4924 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

You can deserve things, people deserve things that they want, but you have to work to get there

Post # 60
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Bee, I think the wisest thing you can do in this situation is what a lot of the Bees already have suggested.

First of all, you have to be clear about your priorities; is it more important to be have a commitment in form of an engagement, being lawfully married or have a part. Because how things are financially, you can’t have everything you’ve envisioned at the moment, meaning that if it’s important to you to be married to him, then roll your sleeves up and forget about hinting etc. Just tell him: I want to be your wife, let’s go ring shopping (for wedding bands, forget about the engagement ring) and set a date.

There’s still plenty of time to throw a party with dress and anything on one of your anniversaries in the future.

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