About to have our third child, still no engagement!

posted 2 months ago in Engagement
Post # 61
Member
9582 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I deserve so much. Ugh. No one understands! Sansa85 :  

Post # 62
Member
786 posts
Busy bee

Why the hell did you plan three freaking children with this man if marriage is so important to you???

So he’s capable of planning out having children but you and he can’t plan an engagement/wedding?

Honey, if he had wanted to get married in the first place and you had stood your ground on wanting marriage (even after baby #1 or even #2) he would have done it already if he had any respect for you and/or any consideration for you as an equal partner.

But it doesn’t sound like you ever told him directly what you want. Have some dignity and self-respect and stand up for yourself already! Although it may be too late for that now. If he says no, then you are already 3 kids in and will have a tough choice to make. This is why you check for compatibility before you have kids with someone.

I mean, honestly, did you really not discuss marriage with him before having kids with him? If so, then that’s your own fault. 

Post # 63
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

bee, 

I’m sorry, but I think the more logical solution would be to have a nice wedding at the court house and then have dinner with family. Spending money like that with three small children isn’t the most responsible thing at the moment. Maybe a vow renewal for your 10 year ani? 

Post # 64
Member
1894 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  You said you “fell pregnant,” which is passive wording (it happened to you, like someone would say they fell ill) and implies that it was neither planned nor intentional. 

Post # 65
Member
3549 posts
Sugar bee

knotyet :  I really detest that phrase. Fell pregnant sounds like you tripped and a fetus landed in your uterus. Whoops!

I actually did fall pregnant once. Twisted my ankle getting off a bus and I went DOWN. 87 people ran over to see how the clumsy fat lady was. 

Post # 66
Member
8721 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  “Being proposed to and having a wedding isn’t some unrealistic dream that I should have to let go of for the sake of quickly getting married in a registry office.” — Ok but it comes down to, which do you want more? If you want to get married, you can get married for next to nothing very easily. Even with the engagement, you can get engaged without a ring. You can get engaged today and go ring shopping whenever you have the money saved up for the ring. Some people skip the engagement ring entirely and they are still engaged and end up married. You can WANT whatever you want, but you can’t moan about not having it when you are CHOOSING to put it off. If you insist on a proposal with a ring and all, ok then, guess you’ll be your children’s father’s girlfriend until he decides to adjust his priorities. Hint: It’s gonna be a while.

Post # 67
Member
6169 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with PPs–once you have three children the fancy party becomes less a priority. I say this as the mother of three children. 

What’s wrong with going to the registry office and getting married, having a nice dinner, and then, if you still want it, celebrating a milestone anniversary with friends and family at a later date? You can be married now if you let go of the pomp and circumstance. If that’s what’s really holding you back then marriage isn’t really your goal–the party is. 

Post # 68
Member
191 posts
Blushing bee

I understand that you want to have a nice traditional wedding, and you have every right to want that, however you need to see this from a realistic perspective. You have three young children and nicer weddings run money. I agree with PPs, you’re pretty much living the married life, you should go to the courthouse and get married. You can always have a more traditional type of wedding and party when child expenses are less. 

Post # 69
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

beethree : acornsandapples :   it’s not going to happen because HE won’t go to the courthouse.  He is UNWILLING,  sadly he does NOT want to marry her. Period, end of story. adriannamonet :   

Post # 70
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

If you’re having problems scraping together $250 you need to just get married at the courthouse and have a potluck celebration in your home. If you’re talking about needing yeats to save, you can’t afford to spend that kind of money on a party. You need it for your kids.

 

Post # 71
Member
302 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

If engagement were the priority he would take the money saved for the stag not go and propose to you. Same as if I have $50 that I was going to go out to dinner with but decide I need a new bra more so I buy the bra and eat leftovers at home. How much is this stag?

The point here is that if the two of you havn’t found $250 to get engaged in five years, it’s probably not a priority. Which is fine depending on your financial situation, $250 can buy a lot of diapers. Now you can sit down and rearrange your priorities and place engagement ahead of the stag. You need to decide what your priorities are. If your priorities are to have a ring and a party that’s fine. I love rings and parties. But if your priority is to be his wife as pp have said, you guys could go to the court house and you could be his wife, if being his wife is the priority, and you could have the party when you can afford the party you want.

Post # 74
Member
930 posts
Busy bee

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  I’ll be the outlier in this whole entire forum and say that I understand where youre coming from. Definitely sit down and have a talk with your So and let him know. Maybe bring up ideas for a possible wedding. So he can have it in his mind. Otherwise, men being men, they may not be thinking about a wedding or engagement unless its brought up front and center in their head. 

🙂 Bring it up and let him know where you stand and see where he stands. Ask him what are his thoughts. 

Post # 74
Member
8065 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

But OP clearly states the have discussed it many times, he knows what ring, and that (apparently) his only resistance is due to lack of money. She even said somewhere that a traditional wedding is of iimportance to them both.

Of course he knows where she stands. It’s just not the same place as he does. 

 

 

 

ladama :  

Post # 75
Member
436 posts
Helper bee

OP— you asked “don’t I get to want the party and the proposal?” And the answer is…..no. No you don’t. You chose instead to have three children and that obligated you to put your resources towards their well being, since it sounds like resources are limited for your family. That’s part of being an adult. We make trade offs and live with the consequences of our choices. For example, I chose to go into a career much lower paying the my brother and his wife chose to go into——so I don’t get to want the same apartment they have or the hotels they stay in or the art they buy (I mean, I get to WANT it—but not to complain that I don’t have it or to demand the world provide it or feel sorry for me that I don’t have it. I live with the consequences of my choices). 

 

You DO get to want marriage. That’s different than the party and the trappings. And you should straight up ask for that. Your kids need the legal protections it provides. If you and your partner can plan a life together with children you can plan this.  Being an adult also means having difficult conversations straightforwardly because they have to be had.

Stop using the party as an excuse for not addressing the marriage. That’s a choice you gave up. Grow up for the sake of the children depending on you.

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