About to have our third child, still no engagement!

posted 5 months ago in Engagement
Post # 76
Member
1943 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

sunburn :  Agreed!

Post # 77
Member
4053 posts
Honey bee

 beethree :  It’s a pile of something, for sure….

Post # 78
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee

So, bee, first you said you wanted to be married. Then you amended that to wanting the wedding and engagement, and then you clarified that you wanted an engagement. I’m still uncertain just exactly what it is that you want. You clearly do not want to take self initiative to save for a ring for yourself. You said you were willing to save for a wedding, but unwilling to bypass the more expensive portions of marriage and wanted a celebration. Do you just want to be engaged? And, if so, is the most important part of “being engaged” to you having a ring on your finger, beginning to plan a wedding, or the act of a sentimental proposal?

It sounds like the first and only (vaguely said but specific) thing you want is for him to propose, un-prompted, romantically. Is that the case?  If he handed you $50 and told you to order a ring you liked or pick it up from a store alone and then told you to go ahead and wear it —- without a proposal, or his direct initiative — would you be satisfied?

Unfortunately, I don’t’ think that it sounds like you two can economically afford a full wedding/engagement, but I also can’t tell if he wants to be married genuinely or if he is happy simply with the status quo and humors your marriage talk in order to not rock the boat. Are you emotionally satisfied and completely fulfilled in your relationship needs otherwise?

Post # 79
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

ladyjane123 :  TY  🙂 I set my Darling Husband straight on ‘my’ defintion of the word ‘nagging’  He doesn’t use that word anymore tongue-out

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  Is it possible that the reason you want a proper proposal from him is because by not proposing after several years and three kids together, he’s made you feel undervalued? Clearly you thought the proposal would have happened by now and it hasn’t and I can see how unhappy, confused and sad this can make you. 

The thing is here Bee, I’m not snarking on you and your boyfriend having 3 kids together before engagement- however this DOES change the playing field and neither you nor your boyfriend are willing to adjust your own wants based on the reality of the situation.

He’s currently saving up for a stag do- it seems immature and selfish that with two small children and a third on the way and understandably very little discretionary money available, he’s prioritizing a fun party/ trip for himself over engagement or setting this money aside for the numerous expenses that arise with having children, especially when it doesn’t sound like you guys have a very big buffer zone/ safety net. I think someone more invested in being a family man would have declined attending the stag do. Yeah, it’s disappointing but that’s the reality of adult priorities. 

And for you, I can see the emotional importance of him proposing, not just skipping this step (but this can be done on any budget or even without a ring), but I think you also need to adjust your own priorities here. I know this sounds harsh, but if you haven’t been able to save any money when you had one child and then two children, how are you going to spend the next two years saving for a wedding when you have three children? It would be more realisitc to set a nearer date and do whatever you can afford. And simple can still be very special- if you get engaged and want to plan a wedding on a budget, the Bees will be happy to give you tons of ideas. 

Post # 80
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

I don’t feel like people understand what you are saying here. You seem to clearly be saying that you just want to be engaged. I totally get it!! I have a similar story.  My then boyfriend and I planned our children together and had them before we were engaged. It took him eight years to actually pop the question!! We talked about it quite frequently, we both want a wedding eventually but also always seem to have a million things going on. One reason is that not only do we have his electrical business, but we also have rental properties and will occasionally take on a flip and we have renovated two of our own homes as well. The point is, we are financially stable people…just busy with life. Three kids doesn’t make it impossible to have a nice wedding and you definitely shouldn’t just have a courthouse wedding if that’s not your dream. You just want the “official engagement” and the right to dream and plan for the future. I felt the same way.  I wanted to be “officially engaged”, even though I had no desire to actually deal with planning a wedding any time soon, I wanted the story/memory and the ring candy. For my fiance, we had already made that commitment verbally, through buying property and planning children so even though he wanted it too, he wasn’t looking at the technical “engagement” exactly the same way and I don’t think he thinks it changes our relationship or commitment in any way. Which actually it doesn’t, but when I’m toting my children around it’s nice to where my ring and feel proper. 🙂 I remember thinking every anniversary, will this be the day?? Until it finally was! I started a conversation and he happened to already have a ring in his pocket that he had purchased several years before and proposed later on that date. Another reason it took so long with us was that he purchased the ring during year four and thought I was expecting a clever proposal. He had genuine anxiety about ruining this moment that he carried the ring on every vacation for several years before actually proposing…the longer it took, the better he thought it should be. My point to this is, men think differently than women. Just let him know that actually being officially engaged is the part that matters to you! Obviously he has already committed his heart!! If he doesn’t care to save for a ring after that…then maybe address that issue and let him know that it hurts your feelings, but I don’t feel you were saying you need a grand wedding anytime soon, just a simple and sweet proposal and that you are frustrated that part hasn’t happened yet! It is a little selfish about the stag to do but life is life. Everyone does special things from time to time. If he works hard and provides why is a special trip a bad thing?? It’s not! He just has to make sure to do special things for you to! Also, no one here knows your financial situation or if it’s changing over the next few years so it seems silly to me to give you advice on what your actual wedding should be like.. although again, I don’t feel like you even asked for that! Best of luck!!! And congrats on your newest little one!

Post # 81
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

*special things for you *too, I can’t overlook my grammar mistake!

Post # 82
Member
869 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

let Us know what he says once you finally talk to him about your future

Post # 83
Member
6445 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Perhaps I’m misunderstanding the wording, but “fell pregnant” implies passivity and lack of planning; it happened TO you. And then you say that engagment fell to the wayside amid the “chaos” of  the family expanding with #2. Generally, something planned and worked toward is not chaos. Indeed, if the children were planned, then you made a conscious decision NOT to get engaged and married and planned to have a family with three children instead. 

You’re offended that we’re implying that your children were not planned, but if they were planned, then the situation you are currently in WAS your plan. You knew that engagement and a wedding would not happen before children, and you’re now implying that your children were 100% planned. If that’s the case, then not being engaged or married was your DECISION. 

There’s no shame either way whether the children were planned or not, but you cannot have it both ways. Either you planned to have children and not get engaged and married in a timely fashion, or your children were surprises and you had to postpone a wanted engagement and marriage. Which is it?

Post # 85
Member
1369 posts
Bumble bee

OP, you clearly want the engagement and big party more than the actual marriage, which is pretty irresponsible at this point. You should want the LEGAL MARRIAGE IMMEDIATELY in order to put into place important protections for your children. The fact that you’re keeping them from being protected by legal marriage because you want to save up for a big party is selfish and short-sighted. YOU are not the priority anymore here–your kids are. If your desire for luxuries takes away from your children, then you need to forego those luxuries. Period. 

Post # 85
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

mamaofthree :  “Obviously he has committed his heart” 

No, I don’t think this IS obvious to OP. I don’t know if you created an account simply to reply to this thread or if you’re genuinely planning your own wedding, but I don’t think spin-doctoring the story into a face saving ‘oh, life just got busy, it’s all good’ is very helpful to an OP who is clearly unhappy that a proposal hasn’t taken place. Women who are just out there living their best lives with the breezy ‘we’ll get there’ attitude, if this is genuine then I don’t think they’re frequenting wedding websites saysing they’re dying to be married. And there’s nothing wrong with her – or you- wanting this, just own it, don’t pretend it doesn’t matter to you if it does.

I also don’t think being okay with someone who held on to a ring for four years before giving it to you is something Bee should try to emulate. IMO a 4+ year wait when he already had the ring hints at issues more than just ‘planning something’. I hope things work out for you, but it’s actually a disservice to waiting Bees when they hear stories of others putting up with questionable delays with the underlying ‘patience Bee, your time will come too’ message. 

Post # 86
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

echomomm :  Off-topic but before Bee I didn’t know that “falling pregnant” wasn’t commonly said everywhere. I’m a non-US bee and that is just how it is said here, nobody used “became pregnant” etc. It still weirds me out that it is not what is said elsewhere, I just never gave the phrase any thought before!

 

O.P. I don’t think you are being unfair at all. I recommend communicating very clearly how you are feeling and why it is important to you.

Post # 87
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

sophx8 :  I’m a non-US Bee as well and I’ve literally never heard that term before this thread. It definitely seems a passive term to me, like ‘falling ill’. I’ve never heard it used in regards to a pregnancy. 

Post # 88
Member
12125 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

”Falling pregnant” is a common British expression. Like “got pregnant” in the US, it is a relatively recent usage in the history of language. There was a time when either use of the word “pregnant” would have been considered vulgar or indelicate. 

Just as “we’re expecting” or “with child”  were used almost exclusively in the 50’s and 60’s and beyond for some in the US, the phrase “falling pregnant” is meant to avoid the focus on how you “got” that way. A state of being rather than an action so to speak. 

The implication does seem unfortunate to me as something unplanned, but I’m sure there are plenty of American idioms that sound just as off or inappropriate to others.

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