About to have our third child, still no engagement!

posted 3 months ago in Engagement
Post # 106
Member
38 posts
Newbee

I know I’m late to this thread, but I just wanted to let you know I was in your position until a week ago. We have 3 children, our youngest is 18 months and one day I just told him, “You know, I’d probably let things slide more if I had a beautiful diamond ring to look at…” Over the next few months he started asking me questions about what kind of rings I liked and then he asked me last week! The ring is just as much for his sanity as it is yours haha 

Post # 108
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

impatientlypatientlywaiting :  I know you said you aren’t responding anymore, but in case you see this I want to send you the biggest hug! Your post from a few days ago actually just showed up in the thread for me…I knew he had already committed his heart! Congratulations!! You totally deserve this and you are clearly, to me, an amazing mama!!! And to all the negativity out there: not every man is a heap of crap that doesn’t love his girl because he hasn’t proposed by some out dated ideology!!! 

Post # 109
Member
53 posts
Worker bee

mamaofthree :

If you are happy in your relationship and want to commit your life to someone then you should be working together, not setting ultimatums.

Before this thread closes, I just wanted to let you know that this is an excellent point, thank you for sharing it. Regardless of whether I agree with every little thing in your previous posts, I think you had some valuable insights—some of which appeal to my personal situation as well. Thank you for taking the time to read thoroughly and for being kind! 

Post # 110
Member
1585 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

I went through a whole bag of popcorn while reading this thread.  

Post # 111
Member
11791 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

“I’m not quite sure why everyone is getting so caught up with stating that I’m apparently after some big fancy wedding!?”

I didn’t jump to that conclusion at all.  But with young children and considering you say it will take you three years to save enough for a wedding, modest or not, it is pretty safe to say it is probably not the best use of your money. 

Post # 112
Member
3774 posts
Honey bee

 impatientlypatientlywaiting :  When you said you needed to save for 3 years in order to have the wedding you want, people made logical inferences. If you need to save for 3 years for something it becomes a luxury, even if you want to call it “budget”.

Post # 113
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

This thread has somehow become a lesson in Life Skills 101. I feel truly sorry for the original OP. Often times when people seek advice or help, they are really just looking for support and a way to vent frustration. I have a friend that got married in a gorgeous field. She rented chairs. People pitched in food. I brought flowers. That was it. Practically free, but not just a run to the courthouse wedding. It was one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever seen and I’ve been to some fancy weddings. Your wedding is a day your whole family will cherish. I really think she was trying to say she wants a day to remember, and as I just gave an example of, that’s totally attainable for next to nothing. Food for thought, someone posted earlier if you weren’t high earners it was irresponsible to have a big wedding if you have children, I totally agree with this statement in theory….but, what about the couple getting married and planning a child after?? Was that money stolen from the well weing of the future children? We are all human and should treat each other as such. I just want to point out again that there are always, always circumstances going on that we aren’t aware of, especially when we don’t know each other at all. I can tell my view on any of this hasn’t received the popular vote, and that’s ok. I just don’t think advice is ever actually helpful unless delivered appropriately.

Post # 114
Member
3008 posts
Sugar bee

mamaofthree :  What you’ve said is very nice, but I think the exasperation from many PPs comes from seeing women  making decisions that are not very wise, thus resulting in unhappiness or unmet needs.

There’s a saying in my country: it’s better to be alone than in bad company, and I so wish that this was taken to heart in so many cases.  So much unhappiness, frustrations and deep hurt for the sake of what? Having a guy in our lives?

Post # 115
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

claroquesi :  I would totally agree with that position if she were unhappy in general, but looking back to post one she stated she was happy with her relationship. She also stated that he is her family and she wasn’t going to leave him…which is probably a good thing if she’s happy and has three children.  The frustration she shared was with one small part of her relationship…she wants to be “officially” with a proper proposal, engaged. If we expect to never encountered frustration with our partner, that’s not realistic. Yes, if someone is treating you badly, leave. Not proposing by a certain time doesn’t automatically place you in this category. We do not know this man at all and yet gobs of us are throwing stones and implying he doesn’t really love her, he’s not committed and that she’s a selfish mother for even wanting a wedding. My main irritation with this post is that I feel she is being disrespected as a mother. Maybe she meant she’s ok with saving for three years if they have to because she is only cutting out soda pop to fund the wedding?? Maybe her idea of not having much extra money is because she already saves so much she won’t touch. I literally have friends who would have you believe they are dirt poor only because they save so much they don’t even consider it touchable money. I’m rambling, but again, the point is that is really turned into a not very productive or kind thread. You can read her frustration in the responses she has posted. In general this thread is very judgemental and mainly focused on problems she didn’t even ask about.

Post # 116
Member
720 posts
Busy bee

mamaofthree :  I know you mean well and think you’re sticking up for OP,  but she’s been offered some very helpful and practical advice in this thread that you’ve dismissed as judgmental. Bees are trying to help her based on the reality of the situation and giving honest advice about having the wedding she can afford, seeking legal counsel to protect herself and her cihildren.

And money is obviously tight- no judgment on that, been there done that bought the discount tee shirt when my own kids were young- but side-eyeing her boyfriend using their savings on a bachelor party trip isn’t to kick OP when she’s down, it’s concern for her that he’s acting selfishly instead of like a family man. And you seem to be completely missing the point that several Bees have tried telling her she can have a special wedding sooner rather than wait three years- yet oddly you mention a friend’s lovely outdoor potluck wedding that was affordable, which is the exact same thing we’re trying to tell her yet you’re criticizing us for! 

These are OP’s own words, including her own capitalization, : 

“We currently have two children together, with a third on the way and I must say, I HATE that I’m still only his ‘girlfriend’. Something about that term sounds so juvenile and I’m dying to be married and actually be his wife, as opposed to us just acting like husband and wife.”

THIS is what we’ve been trying to offer OP advice on. She clearly isn’t happy with the way things are, she clearly doesn’t feel he’s fully committed to her.  The advice offered to OP was to help her achieve her goals and telling her she doesn’t need to wait for three years in a situation that she’s very frankly unhappy with. And also offering her legal advice for herself and children in case he doesn’t propose. I don’t even think it’s the ring she wants, it’s the words that would matter most to her. By still not proposing at this stage, he’s made her feel unhappy and undervalued. You may think you’re helping OP by putting the most positive spin on things, but I really don’t think you’re seeing the hurt in her words. I hope her boyfriend keeps his word from their recent discussion and they can move forward. 

Post # 117
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

crustyoldbee : I’m not discounting the advice on here as all bad, but I think the delivery is mostly bad and I’m not convinced it’s even needed. Yes, she has frustrations, yes little money “probably” but I believe she made it a point to say she was happy because she is, for the main part, and because she was looking for support, not for advice on parenting. The legal advice is great, which I previously mentioned and also mentioned I secured all of the recommended steps before being engaged so was just pointing out it’s a possibility she had too. She seems to be defending herself to me, maybe you’re missing that? And it’s not realistic to say as parents we will never participate any anything selfish. Maybe he is the Best Man and really needs to support his friend? Who knows. You don’t…I don’t. I do know she specifically stated she felt I understood her, which I didn’t see that post for some reason which is why I mentioned doing all the legal stuff without marriage because at that point I didn’t realize he had said he was proposing. Also, life insurance, Will’s and trusts…none of that comes with a marriage certificate so there would still be work to be done anyway if this is all about worrying for her children. I think the story is being spun as negatively as possible. It’s like you guys are looking for the bad. You, in particular, tried to shame me for offering support. You actually had a negative comment about my own experience. You tried to take one of the most special parts of my engagement and spin it negatively. I really don’t care that you did, but I am truly happy with a devoted partner. He made sure I was financially secure far before our engagement. It is more than possible to have frustrations, miscommunications or disagreements, and still have a rewarding, fulfilling relationship. I think I’ve tried to make my point clear several times. If you really truly believe she needs your advice, deliver it as kindly as possible. Ask questions. Gather information. Why do you think she is no longer wanting to respond to the thread?? I think it’s time I drag myself away from this train wreck. If you look for the bad you’ll surely find it. 

Post # 119
Member
6345 posts
Bee Keeper

mamaofthree :  And one of the most beautiful weddings I’ve ever attended was at the courthouse, I was one of the two witnesses, made the bouquet and took the only photos. It was memorable. They’ve been married 15 years now. Even a courthouse ceremony can be beautiful and meaningful.

Or are you the OP?

Post # 120
Member
80 posts
Worker bee

beethree :  I can’t even believe I’m still looking on here! I’m officially pathetic! Lol. I have nothing against a courthouse wedding…the OP said it’s definitely not what she wants. That’s why I said she shouldn’t settle on one if it’s not what she wants. There are other affordable options as many of you have mentioned!

Leave a comment


Find Amazing Vendors