Post # 1
I have a bridesmaid that I’ve known for about 10 years we’ve been really close since high school and have always kept in touch regularly. I couldn’t imagine having my big day without her in it so I asked her to be my bridesmaid. Recently she moved to another country for school and so I knew that it would be difficult for her to be present. However I expected her to be here for the dress fitting, bridal shower and the few days leading up to the wedding. Now 8 months out she tells me she may not come back until the wedding because of school. She’s a close friend and I’m not sure how to handle the situation. I feel upset that this is coming up now and not before. I don’t know but if it was me I would either decline when asked to be in the wedding party or make it work. I would have been less upset if she had let me know in advance. This is a big day for me and it’s only going to happen once so I want to have all the important people in my life experience it with me.
Any sugesstions on what I should do? Am I wrong for being upset?
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Post # 2
Miss2Mrs0915: Yes, you are wrong for being upset. My advice to you would be to be greatful she’s traveling in from another country to be with you on your wedding day.
Post # 3
You expected her to fly in from another country for your shower and dress fitting? Wow. That’s way out of line. Were you paying for the tickets?
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley
8 months out is pretty far out. And expecting her to fly from another country for showers and fittings is a little ridic. All you should be concerned with is that she’s coming for the important bit – your wedding day.
Post # 5
Was she not in school when she accepted? Maybe she thought before hand it shouldn’t be a problem but now that she is in school she has realized it is a problem. Do you think it might be a financial issue that she doesn’t want to admit? Could you help her pay her plane ticket?
Yea it does suck, but I think 8 months is plenty of heads up and she also needs to focus on her own life and future.
Edit: OOps! I misread! If she is still coming back for the wedding I certainly wouldn’t worry about her not being there for the fitting and so on. Send her pictures and share the happiness, but don’t expect her to spend all the time and money to fly out for that!
Post # 6
You can be as upset as you choose and still be wrong. You can’t seriously expect that she is going to fly in 3 times -for fitting, shower and wedding!
The only reasonable expectation is that she will be there for the wedding. There are several ways you can handle the fitting of her dress- book a seamstress for her for a last minute fitting and alterations when she arrives for the wedding; mail her the dress so she can get fitted where she lives etc
Post # 7
I definitely don’t think you are wrong in being upset. She should have declined from the beginning, just like you said, or found some way to make it work. It just seems inconsiderate of her to not take it more seriously. One of my biggest pet peeves is when people originally say they’ll be there for you and then end up changing their mind.
Post # 8
I think it’s pretty ridiculous to expect her to fly in for anything other than the wedding.
Post # 9
I think it would be reasonable to ask (not demand) if she can get there the day before for the rehearsal. Other than that, and getting her own dress tailored in her country, I don’t think it is reasonable to ask for more.
Post # 10
The only thing that you should ask that she is in attendance for is the wedding, which she still is planning on doing. If you want her to be at the shower and around for other events, maybe you could Skype or Facetime with her. I dont know where you are vs where she is but international flights can’t be cheap.
Post # 11
Her only responsibility is to show up on your wedding day in the dress that you’ve asked her to wear.
The fact that she is literally flying to another country just to attend your wedding even though she’s away and busy at school is incredibly generous of her and a testament to her close friendship with you.
You cannot realistically expect this friend to fly in more than once to attend events that she is in no way obligated to attend even if she is a Bridesmaid or Best Man.
I would say nothing about this to this friend if you value your friendship. I live in a different state than most of my friends because I went off to graduate school. If a friend made me feel bad for not spending money I don’t have to attend events that are not mandatory while missing school work that is critical to my future, that friendship would likely not last very long.
Post # 12
I agree with (most) PP’s. Maybe she shouldn’t have said she’d be back for the fitting and shower, but it’s ridiculous to expect her to do so in the first place. Not only is she in another country, but she’s there for school. My guess is that her schooling and her future come before your wedding in her life. And that’s how it should be. If her being in your wedding was that important to you, you could have planned for the bridesmaids to wear mismatched dresses so that she could get a dress where she’s living on her own timeline.
Post # 13
I’m not forcing her to travel and I planned events around her school breaks. I doh’t expect her to come for everything on the other hand I didn’t expect her not to come at all.
Post # 14
Leave it alone, youre being slightly ridiculous. I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man who did nothing but attend the wedding because she lives across the country. Sure it was sucky that she didnt attend the other stuff because I missed her, but how can you expect her to? Honestly, I’m kind of happy because now when she gets married, I wont feel pressured to attend everything.
Post # 15
The reason that I had expectations was because this is what she told me.