(Closed) Absent Bridesmaid!?!?

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: What should I do about an absent bridesmaid?

    just leave it and enjoy her company on the day

    Ask her to come a few days before the wedding

    Talk to her about the situation

  • Post # 16
    Member
    215 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

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    Tess63110:  I disagree. She’s completely entitled to be upset, but then she has to figure out how to react. We are all entitled to our feelings.

    Post # 17
    Member
    1754 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

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    Miss2Mrs0915:  Just because you planned events around her breaks does not mean she’s free. Fiance and I are both grad students and our breaks are more like extra days to catch up on work we are so far behind on that it isn’t even funny. You cannot assume that just because she’s on break she has the time or money to literally fly to another country just to watch you open gifts or to try on dresses.

    Also, she isn’t not coming at all; she’s coming to the wedding which is the only day your Wedding Party needs to be there for. She signed on to stand next to you at your wedding and she’s doing just that. I would leave her be.

    Post # 18
    Member
    721 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2015 - The Victorian

     

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    Miss2Mrs0915:  Unfortunately, life happens. I’m sure if she could be there realistically, she would. I have a bridesmaid on the east coast (I’m on west coast) that I don’t even expect to fly out for any of what you mentioned. It seems ridiculous. Of course it’s a big day for you; one she will be there fo; but her life and education doesnt revolve around your wedding. Don’t get caught up in what she is missing. Be happy you have her there to stand beside you on your wedding day.

    Post # 19
    Member
    4044 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

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    Miss2Mrs0915:  Mine also told me she would attend my bridal shower + bachelorette. Then, life happened and she couldn’t attend. I wouldnt expect her to fly across the country (much less from another country) for events like that. I get being disappointed and think that’s totally valid, but you cannot be upset about this. You just can’t. She will be there on your wedding day and that’s all that matters.

    Post # 20
    Member
    320 posts
    Helper bee

    I think your expectations are a little high. A bridal shower is a couple hour event one day and dress fittings can be done without her there. Two of my four bridesmaids live in other states and weren’t there for my shower, picking out a dress, anything, and I wasn’t mad!

    One of my bridesmaids was even in town the day before my shower and left because something came up and didn’t come to my shower. I told her I was disappointed but it was no big deal. Honestly, just express you’re a little sad but you totally get it, that’s what good friends do.

    Accepting a bridesmaid position is not the same as Maid/Matron of Honor position and they aren’t REQUIRED to go to ALL pre-wedding activities, though it would be nice if everyone could make it.

    Post # 21
    Member
    1875 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    Miss2Mrs0915:  But you do expect her to come to things, otherwise you wouldn’t be upset.  And honestly, she only needs to come to the wedding.  Showers, fittings, helping out a few days before the wedding are all extra bonuses and not requirements.  It’s ok to be bummed she can’t make it (she’s a good friend and you want to be able to share this huge life event with her) but it’s unfair and selfish to hold it against her.

    I also don’t see why she needed to tell you she couldn’t come back for showers or fittings or anything when she accepted.  What would you have told her?  “Oh, you can’t come to my dress fitting?  Well you can’t be a Bridesmaid or Best Man then.”  Plus, maybe she thought she could attend some of this stuff, but then school turned out to be way more work than she anticipated.

    I think what you should do right now is tell your Bridesmaid or Best Man that you understand her situation.  Tell her you’d love to have her at some of the pre-wedding events but if she can’t make it it’s ok and the most important thing is that she’s there with you on your wedding day.  

    Post # 22
    Member
    168 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    Unless you’re helping to pay for plane tix, i think it’s completely unreasonable to espect her to be there for something like a dress fitting. 

    Post # 23
    Member
    2543 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    As I’ve read oft times on the Bee: no pay = no say.

    If you’re not paying for her plane tickets and traveling costs for your dress fittings (?!?!), bachelorette party and days leading up to the wedding… You smile and put your most gracious attitude on and thank her for being able to make it to your wedding and standing up for you there. 

    Post # 24
    Member
    3526 posts
    Sugar bee

    Unless those three events are the same day and also the day before your wedding, no. It’s not reasonable to ask her to make 3 international flights. Especially what, to watch you try on dresses and open presents? Like, are you seriously wondering if this selfish or wrong?

    Maybe I have no sympathy because I’m planning my wedding long distance and my two BM’s live across the country from each other and a $2000 flight away from me, so any entitlement issues I may have had were nipped at the bud, but no. Not reasonable. Isn’t it enough that she’ll be there on your big day? 

    Post # 25
    Member
    5980 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I think 8 months out is letting you know in advance… I would never expect anyone to fly internationally for a dress fitting or a shower. Even if they said they would do it I would insist that they stay at school because I would just keep thinking about all of those costs piling up!

    ETA: I also wouldn’t ask that she comes a few days before the wedding. At this point she might not know what classes she will have or how strict the teachers are. Some teachers probably wouldn’t be very happy about her missing multiple classes.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by MrsBeck.
    Post # 26
    Member
    2072 posts
    Buzzing bee

    You’re wrong for being upset. At first I thought you meant that all of those events would be a few days before the wedding and thought it was wrong to expect her to give up multiple days of her life or her school vacation to spend a whole week with you before the wedding but expecting her to make three separate trips for your wedding … She probably didn’t decline because she thought you would still want her to stand beside you on your big day even though she moved out of country and would not be able to attend all of the other events.

    Post # 27
    Member
    2417 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    One of my bridesmaids lives on the opposite end of the country, and I only expect her to be here for my wedding day.  And if it were financially possible to pay for her plane ticket, I would!

    Post # 28
    Member
    26 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    If this is a good friend, I would really try to relax your expectations and have a good time with her when she arrives for your wedding. If she’s in school, she’s most likely not loaded. She probably said she would be there for the other events because she wanted to but then life and reality caught up to her. 

    My husband and I live far away from friends and family so almost everyone flew in from a different state/country for our wedding. We were so thankful that they all traveled for our wedding that we had no expectations whatsoever. We also told everyone that we didn’t want gifts because they were already spending so much just to be there for the wedding.

    Yes, it’s an important time of your life but you should also really try to keep things in perspective. 

     

    Post # 29
    Member
    683 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I voted talk to her about it. I disagree with most of the PPs. She should not have accepted. You are not wrong IMO. And she had more responsibility than to just show up.

    Post # 30
    Member
    392 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

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    Miss2Mrs0915:  You can definitely talk to her and I see why you are upset but to fly in 3 times from another country is quite expensive.  The only one she is required to be at is the wedding.  I have bridesmaids all over the country and I did not expect any of them to come to my dress fitting.  A few can come to the shower but that is because I am having it in a different state from where I live and the majority of them live.  All of them are coming to the wedding (obviously).  

    She may have said she could come to the other things because she felt pressured or didn’t know what else to say.  Now that it is closer and she is looking at cost, she may not be able to.  Definitely have a conversation with her if it makes you feel better, but I would also think about how hard it would be if you were in her shoes.

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