- 4 years ago
- Wedding: October 2016
Alrighty so yet another issue for me planning my special day *le sigh… trying to keep a long story short and without too much crazy detail to explain my situtation is a lil hard!… i don’t even know where to begin, but i’m going to try my best! so i apologize in advance if this turns into a novel, you’ll all probably want to refer me to a psychiatrist by the end lol
Ok so i grew up with my dad in and out of my life due to his decision to put drugs and his lifestyle before me..which meant a lot of prison time for him. I was raised by my mom (later a step dad), and since she was very young..we lived with her mother for the first 5 years of my life and off and on throughout the years. My dads parents helped a lot as well as his siblings since he was never around. His brother had always been like a father to me til the last year and a half ago, which is when my fiance and I started dating.. so thankfully i had a distraction from all of that business.
My mom was in a relationship with someone since i was 2 and later married him when i was about 9-10 years old, they were married til i was 17 and he decided family life just wasn’t for him anymore and left my mom, myself and my younger sister n basically after always telling me and everyone else i was his daughter, i no longer meant anything…that was a lot to deal with as my sister still saw him and i became a nobody for the second time around to one of the only father figures that was one of the only constants in my life.
Whenever i thought about getting married I just figured if it ever happened my uncle (dads brother) would walk me down the isle… since my step dad had been out of the picture for awhile (and i wouldnt want him anyway)… and well my dad and i didn’t have a realtionship… so it was always my uncle, he had always made a point to include me in his family life, take me places etc..anyone could tell you he was always there for me. So fast forward to 2 years ago, we had a falling out. My dads family is very judgemental and feels like i, no matter how old i get (27 now), will always be a kid and that i don’t deserve any respect.. they expect everything to go the way they say it’s guna go and not to question anything… i have a major problem with that and after spending my life always trying to respect them and never disappoint (since they have always been there) I had to put my foot down…this did not sit well with him and now we don’t speak to eachother. So now im obviously not going to be walking with him.
Now 3 years ago my dad felt the need to contact me and try to tell me how to live my life yadda yadda and it turned into complete all out war between us. He said unspeakable things to me, basically told me i was worthless and he never cared about me blah blah. During this conversation i realised that after a life of trying to have a relationship with him I didn’t need him, I was used to a lot of bad things happening in my life and i was lost…so I let him use me, let him make me feel guilty for his faults and would help him in anyway i could because i never wanted to be him and leave someone when they needed me. ((lil tid bit side note, he had a whole new family by the time i was a teenager as well as a few other kids and a crap now ex wife that wasnt great to me either))..Sadly after everything i did for HIM he decided to say all the things he did and i HAPPILY figured out i was better off without him and washed my hands clean of the guy, n i never felt better!!
So here comes even more confusion ((AGAIN i apologize for all info and novel :/)) a year after our falling out his past caught up to him and to leave out those gorey details, it paralyzed him. So i found myself going to the hospital that night it happened very confused and not really knowning what i wanted to hear or say to the guy… but i was better than what he had ever shown me… so i stayed and i was there for him, slept in the hospital, helped him all i could when he was released..the works… all of this time what had happened between us was never brought up and i never received an actual apology for what he’s done to me during my life or what he said to me the year prior to all of this happening. I wasn’t sure how to go about it so we just kinda found ourselves spending time with eachother and for the first time getting to know eachother. All of this for me doesn’t change a lifetime of hurt he caused me, but at least now i didn’t have to leave somewhere when i knew he was coming or get sick to my stomach when i heard his name -_- so it was a start to being civil. Now there have been a few times where we dont speak and i since he knows i could do with or without the relationship he tries to be friendly (of coarse still never saying sorry for anything) and then figures all is well and goes back to the “oh i didn’t know there was a problem” routine…
So just because we spend some time with eachother here and there and we talk he expected to be the one to go down the isle with me and says he should because he’s my “father”…. and his family of coarse backs the idea… and when i said WHY would he even think that were an option, he was never there, he said a lot of shitty things to me and never made an effort to show me he cared during the previous 25-26 years… and they respond with he’s trying..and hes changed..and hes going to be really hurt, you should at least talk to him about…… am i crazy to think that he shouldn’t even expect to be the one to do that?!…they make me feel like the most terrible person on the face of the planet for not wanting him to do it. Like i said i always thought it would be my uncle but thats no longer an option.. and it just pisses me off that everyone is backing the idea for my dad to do it and cant seem to see why i wouldnt want him to. Im at the point where i don’t even want a wedding and would rather elope at our honeymoon location just my fiance and i because i don’t wana deal with them. As i said my family is beyond judgemental and feel like they should be respected..they’re the “my way or the highway” type. I know it seems so cut n dry to outside eyes..but a lifetime in this mess makes it difficult for me to tell everyone to kiss my ass and tell my dad how it is..without feeling bad :/
I know i sound like a mad woman writing all this madness here! and sorry sorry sorry for writing my life story lol but i have zero people to talk to about this and i need someone other than my fiance to drop this on lol
i was thinking of asking my moms lil bro (whom is like my bff) but when it all comes down to it, im not sure that he’ll be excited to take the job :/ …or maybe i’m just being hard on myself….
maybe walking alone is the option for me :/
*le sigh my crazy life in as few words as i could get it!…needed to vent…
any comments would help right now