- 3 years ago
- Wedding: September 2018
We’re getting married in September and I’m ecstatic. The one thing I’m not looking forward to is being photographed, professionally or otherwise.
I don’t like the way I look – ever. I avoid family photos at parties, and only take selfies when I feel like I look especially good (also helps that with a selfie I’m in CONTROL of the picture being taken), and I avoid looking at photos of myself at all costs.
It’s not just the insecurities I have of myself (weight is too heavy for my personal liking, undefined jawline, insane eyes, drooping eyebrows, too-small and not white enough teeth, turkey neck, dull skin, limp hair, etc., etc.), it’s that seeing photos of me CONFIRMS all of these insecurities. Everyone tells me these insecurities are unfounded and I start to believe them – then I see a picture of myself and realize everyone is just trying to make me feel better. I know that when I see the photos I’m going to think “Oh, well you FELT beautiful that day… but you sure didn’t look it.”
My sisters took photos of me trying on some wedding dresses even though I asked them not to and then they sent them to me. Looking at myself made me physically sick, and the image kept showing in my mind on repeat for the next few days, which led to some severe depressive episodes and a considerable amount of crying.
This all sounds really vain. I’m marrying my best friend, everyone I love and care about will be there to wish us well, I should get over myself and just smile for the camera. But this is a deep-seated emotional and self-esteem issue that stems way back. Sometimes if I catch myself in the mirror at a bad angle, it ruins my entire day. If someone tags me in a photo I didn’t know they took? I need to lock myself in the bathroom for some deep breathing and mental prioritization.
It’s to the point where I’ve considered minor cosmetic surgery before the wedding. The only reason I don’t go through with it is because my fiancée is strongly opposed. Also, let’s be honest, it’s pricey and that money could go towards something else that doesn’t only benefit me.
We already decided on an unplugged ceremony and requesting that guests not post on social media…but I want professional photos of that day. I want to remember it. But I want to remember it without having to see myself.
Has ANYONE else experienced this? If so, did you like your photos in the end? Was that day so exciting that you couldn’t even be bothered to think of how you looked in photos? Am I a vain idiot? I’ve seen people suggest a test photo session but even the thought of that makes me nauseas – if it goes badly then my nerves regarding the wedding day itself will increase 10xs and at that point I’ll be walking up the aisle with an IV drip of dilaudid rolling behind me just so I can get through the day.
Any advice on how to get through this with minimal break downs or self-esteem damage is much much much appreciated.