(Closed) Absolutely gutted right now

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I don’t think this has anything to do with your friend not trusting you.  It’s not about you doing something sexual with her Boyfriend or Best Friend, it’s about how close you should (or should not) be with another woman’s boyfriend.

Post # 18
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mignonette:  Doesn’t this have more to do with your own insecurity then, than the actual possibility something may happen between your bf and his longtime platonic friend?

OP, it does suck that this happened to you. I think it’s ridiculous when people in relationships expect their partner to stop seeing friends of the opposite sex that had previously spent plenty of time 1:1 before. I think it’s extremely immature to use the argument that being in a relationship makes it inappropriate to hang out solo with people of the opposite sex, like all men and women are constantly in a state of wanting to jump each others bones, no matter the consequences. And really, I feel sorry for Jenny, because she is obviously insecure and doesn’t trust you or her boyfriend. Who wants to have relationships like that? I’m not sure you’ll get very far, but I do think you have every right to discuss this with Jenny herself and at least let her know how it’s making you feel. 

Post # 20
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@CountryBee13:  No, and I see some other bees feel the same.  It’s more of an intimacy and respect issue for me.  It seems completely natural when you are in a serious relationship to back off from opposite-sex friendships.

Growing up, my parents never spent 1 on 1 time with members of the opposite sex outside of work.  It would have seemed totally bizzare.  How is this any different? 

Post # 21
Member
9950 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

On first glance… I SEE & UNDERSTAND where you are coming from… and I feel for you, because YES this is difficult news to have to deal with, so I get your anger / frustration

BUT I also have to agree with the comments by

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Birdee106:  (Reply # 2) –
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mignonette: (Reply # 5) – 
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MrsTillerResq: (Reply # 9) … and 
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Sharebear:  (Reply # 11)

Altho this decision affects YOU… it really isn’t about you at all

It is all about the Relationship that your two friends have with each other… and what works for them.  And the Boundaries that they have obviously agreed up (Brian may not be 100% happy about it… BUT he is in compliance… which means he values his Girlfriend and what is important to her… and WELL that is ALL any of us can hope for in a romantic relationship)

Your Relationship with your Fiance works in one way

Theirs works in another… doesn’t mean one is RIGHT or one is WRONG just that for them the dynamics are different and what they HAVE CHOSEN for their Boundaries

Ya need to be the BIG FRIEND and move on…

And respect their decision.

(( HUGS ))

EDIT TO ADD – You may never had had feelings for Brian… but you cannot know if he did or didn’t for you.  I am over 50, and I’ve had men my age tell me flat out… that if they are interested in seeing a woman one-on-one (without their Boyfriend or Best Friend / SO etc) around it is the truth that they have feelings for the woman.  To tell anyone anything else is a lie.  Men fantasize about other women all the time… and getting a crush on someone is just what they do.  They may not react on it (for a myriad of reasons)… but they do enjoy hanging out because it feeds their ego / sexual fantasy on “what could be… IF ONLY”.

 

Post # 23
Member
5843 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would be furious at “Jenny” if she were my “friend”. Look, if my maid of honor cannot trust me to be alone with her boyfriend then we have issues. She’s treating you like any other anonymous girl that she has theoretical issues with.

Post # 25
Member
6015 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

He could have broken up with her if he thought this request was out of line.  I think it was handled poorly but it’s done.  I think you go work out or burn up some of the emotions and give her a call.  I honestly think this has nothing to do with you at all, or that she thinks you can’t control yourself around him, but I think a PP pointed out, because you’ve never had romantic feelings for him, he may have had them for you at one time and shared that with her…. I dunno I would call her you two have been friends so long, you should be able to talk about this.

Post # 26
Member
2863 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I would be SO upset if my best friend didn’t want me hanging out with her husband. What an insult. She should have had the grace to come to you and explain her feelings. It would be one thing if you only knew Jenny through Brian but this is your MOH! I wouldn’t be angry, just sad and confused. You should calm down, give it time and then talk to her. 

Post # 27
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

I think this situation is utter crap. I hang out with my friends he hangs out with his. There is something to be said for trust. Not everyone who has friends with the opposite sex is unloyal. My fiance doesnt like cycling I do most of my cycling partners are MALE I go out for hours at a time with them fiance doesnt care! Fiance’s best friend is a female when she comes to town they go out kapoof fiance is gone. I DONT CARE. Why is this ok? Simple we have an open honest relationship. I come home and gush all the trash my male friends tell me about their gf problems etc and Fiance thinks its funny, he comes home and gushes about her current issues and I laugh too. Do our friends know this is how it works in our house? Oh yes infact they know all too well his best friend even asked him what my advice was to her at one point because she know about the snark level in our house. So seriously you can and should have friends of all sexes, religions, colors. Jealousy is a horrible thing in relationships.

Post # 28
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I think you will find 2 pools of women here: Those that think its ok for guys and gals to be close friends and those that don’t. Jenny is in the pool that doesn’t and you are in the pool that does. Now what? What do you want to do, OP? Do you want to lose two friends? I bet that is what will happen if you make a big deal about this. If you get pissed at Jenny and voice it that way, you will lose her and Brian. Brian isn’t 100% innocent in this btw. So it’s up to you. If you are ok with losing them as friends, then cut them. If not, understand where they are coming from, accept it, and move on. Have a happy wedding bc that’s what you deserve. Don’t let this get to you like this. 

Post # 30
Member
2742 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - Disney

@MrsTVLover:  I’m going on a 50 mile bike ride in 2 weeks with a male friend, infact its a male friend I dated before my fiance. My fiance is cool, I’m going to be gone probably 5+ hours with driving time and eating afterwards. You dont spend 3 hours on a bike and just drive 45 minutes home ravenous enough to eat paint off a wall you go to chipotle and chow down replacing some of the 1000 calories you just destroyed. Fiance gets that, he also wont get on a road bike and keep a 17mph pace with me for 50 miles and these things are more fun with friends. He accepts that most cyclists are male and thats the way its going to be. Meanwhile he’ll probably go to a bar and watch a band he likes taking photos of a mutual female friend of ours who is married and the lead singer. I’m cool with that we’re coming home to each other end of the day. Who the hell decides how much time is appropriate or not? Why does her friend have the right to destroy a friendship that was there before she was in the picture? She doesnt!

Post # 31
Member
50 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@dewingedpixie:  The people in the relationship decide what is appropriate or not.  It doesn’t sound like my relationship would work for you, or yours for me.  But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong, just like “Jenny” and the OP aren’t wrong- it’s just different takes on an issue.

The topic ‘Absolutely gutted right now’ is closed to new replies.

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