(Closed) Absolutely livid with MIL

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 16
Member
420 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

lifeisbeeutiful :  my blood is actually boiling and I’m a total stranger! I know you said she saw you snap, but I don’t think you were harsh enough!

bibliophilacticbee :  omg!!

Post # 17
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

ladyjane123 :  I was thinking this too. while mil sounds crazy with her ideas, why is op not standing up and saying something? My mil has a thing for water, she kept saying my daughter needed water when she was a baby, and I just said no, our pediatrician said no. I had to repeat myself a lot because she kept suggesting it, but I just kept saying no.

Just say no. Don’t put that on babys face, baby can suffocate. We use a car seat because it’s safer and it’s also against the law to not have one.

Yes your mil has a lot of ideas, even some dangerous ones, but you’re the one in control.

I get the breast milk thing though. It’s hard to get an extra supply while breastfeeding at the same time, I know I wasn’t able to.

But, use your voice, use your actions, don’t leave baby alone with her, and in the future, don’t have her stay with you.

You are completely in control here.

Post # 18
Member
4692 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Let her crazy words and suggestions go in one ear and out the other. “Oh that’s nice, mil”. Then put your foot down and raise your baby the way you and your husband want to raise her

Remind her that you are in charge. SHOW her that you are in charge. And don’t leave her alone with the baby 

Post # 19
Member
2351 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

I remember your post where you were afraid/ worried to leave the baby with your *husband* too for some strange reason…  

What is your husband saying/doing while this is going on with his mother?

Post # 21
Member
9367 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Ugh, I can’t imagine.

Ship her back home early!

Post # 22
Member
5430 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

There’s a LOT going on here. So before you take any action, I think you should make sure you are well fed and hydrated and you get some rest and a little outdoor time before you speak with your husband and come up with a new arrangement. You want to make sure you’re not just spewing your frustration and that you have a clear mind when you take your next steps.

Your baby is only two weeks old so there’s a lot that will evolve and change in the coming weeks and months. At 2 weeks a lot of babies haven’t even really woken up yet (also at two to three weeks, a lot of new mothers hit the wall from the hormonal dump after delivery and lack of sleep and magnitude of all that’s going on.) This is a TERRIBLE time for someone YOU aren’t super comfortable with to come stay with you in your home for multiple weeks on end. It would be one thing if your Mother-In-Law was being helpful and supportive but she’s just making everything harder and that’s terrible and cannot continue.

At two weeks you are still getting to know your baby, too, so it’s entirely possible that certain foods and spices will affect your baby down the road. Two weeks isn’t enough time for any of you to have a really clear gauge on what those things might be. The way to find that out is to actually eat them and if/when they cause a problem, to then eliminate them.

Under other circumstances, your Mother-In-Law might not be so enraging for you. As PP have said, you’d just turn down the heat, point out that you’re doing things differently and chuckle to yourself at some of her quirks and if your husband knew any better, he could back you up and run a better interference with his mother before she did things rather than after the fact.

I think you do need to consider making some significant changes to this current arrangement. If you’re this done by 4 days in, you are going to be homicidal and exhausted from the constant rage spirals by 3 weeks. Especially since it’s looking like you can’t relax or get a break by leaving your baby with either of those two who are supposed to be there to help you. (Since your husband may be being helpful but he didn’t have sense enough to know not to heat up the bottles or to check with you first.)

I would tell my husband that we need to consider cutting the trip short, that it was a mistake to invite anyone to come stay for damn near a month so soon after the baby was born and we should revisit when baby is older. Since MIL’s doing so much that it’s hard to keep up with each new act, I’d also insist that she move to a hotel so she could get away from me. It’s really really stressful when you feel like you have to guard your baby from the people in your home who also don’t have the sense to back off or ask before doing things. Since she can’t be helpful and also isn’t being a good guest, she is just detrimental and a drain. It’s going to take some time for you to recover from the impact of this trip as it is, without doing another 2.5 weeks of it.

Before you say or do anything, take your baby in the room with you and take a nap.  Tell them to leave you and her alone until you reemerge. I learned the hard way that mommies need to consider naps a vital part of their conflict negotiation arsenal.

Good luck!

Post # 23
Member
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

Never agree to house any guest for more than four days.

Send her to a hotel. Never be alone with her; your husband must be present and paying attention any time she’s there–not on his phone, not watching TV, not out doing a chore.

Never, ever leave her alone with your baby.

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