(Closed) Abstinence before the wedding???

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
  • poll: If you were to abstain before the wedding, how long would you be prepared to do it?
    a couple of nights : (8 votes)
    14 %
    one week : (9 votes)
    16 %
    a couple of weeks : (4 votes)
    7 %
    one month : (10 votes)
    17 %
    a couple of months : (7 votes)
    12 %
    6 months : (4 votes)
    7 %
    one year : (1 votes)
    2 %
    No sex EVER until we're married. : (15 votes)
    26 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    786 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I think your heads are in the right place.  Obviously you arent going to be having mind blowing sex for your entire lives. And maybe Ill expand on that a little…. like when your 70, im sure your not going to be swinging from light fixtures. :p and if you are thats damn awesome!! haha. BUT – I think the mental and emotional way of going would be great!!!

    A year does seem a little long, esp if your already having sex now. Maybe you could only have sex on special occassions. Like birthdays, and christmas, maybe anniversary. and if a holiday falls right before the wedding withhold maybe.  Stop cold turkey a few months before hand.

    I do like the place where your going though. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Good luck!

    Post # 4
    Member
    2756 posts
    Sugar bee

    I suppose if you think other things aren’t getting as much attention as sex, it’s a good idea. For us, sex is important but definitely doesn’t take front row so I don’t really have to question if it’s getting in the way. A year might be a bit too long, though – maybe try 3-6 months?

    Post # 5
    Member
    7606 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I guess this is one of those things that I just will never “get”!  However, if it works for you and you’re both willing, then go for it.  A year does seem a bit long, though.  But again, whatever floats your boat. If you’re choosing this more because you want to focus on other areas of the relationship, then I’d say start now and do it (ok, DON’T “do it”) for a month.  Your timeline doesn’t have to be based on your wedding date if you’re working on the relationship. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Post # 6
    Member
    5093 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    I agree that a year is a bit long.  Fiance and I have just started abstaining before the wedding.  We tried to do seven weeks, but we did an oops a couple days in, so it’s actually going to be more like six and a half weeks.  You can read about it in this thread that I started.  We know our relationship is strong and that sex, although an important part, isn’t everything.  That being said, it’s been REALLY hard, and seven weeks is significantly shorter than a whole year.  If anything, it’s just stressing us out even more.  Though I’m fully in favor of stopping for a little bit of time before the wedding, I think a year is way too long.  It is, of course, your call, but I wouldn’t be able to do it.

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    I think that there was just a post on this. I looked but couldn’t find it (but I admitdly did not look very hard and am sleepy). While I can see why people do this, it is not for me at all. My partner and I probably will not have sex the night before, and I can easily see us not for a week or so before the wedding – that’s more b/c we’ll be stressed and I bet my best friend will be staying with us (we have a spare bedroom and can easily accommodate a few other guests w/ my air mattress and futon). When we’re stressed, our sex drives just take a huge nosedive. 

    Out of curiousity (and you can even just consider this for yourselves if you haven’t considered it), would you abstain from everything or just intercourse? What would be allowed? I was talking about this during a lecture the other day (I’m a sex educator) and how “abstinence” means different things to different people. So, for my friend M who is a lesbian she has never had intercourse. By some definitions, she’s a virgin but um, I would not at all consider her to be a lesbian as girlfriend has had many notches in her bedpost. I went to a Catholic school and several of my classmates were abstaining til marriage but that had several different definitions from no kissing to only oral sex to anal is okay to no penetration of any sort. I was a bridesmaid at a classmate’s wedding and she had her first kiss (other than a peck) at the alter. Also, for me, a year is just way too long! I feel like my partner and i took a long time to have sex with each other and I’m not doing that again – and that wasn’t even a year!

    Post # 8
    Member
    1755 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I’d consider abstaining for a shorter period of time like 30-90 days.  It still builds anticipation, but you’ll have the comfort of each other during the bulk of the wait and planning.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2539 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    My fi and i are doing it! it will be a year on on our wedding date. we did it for religious reasons….and because i am fertile mrytle and dont want to get pregnant til after the wedding…. BUT it has been hard! we are so proud of ourselves for doing it and not having any slip ups! and we live together!

    Post # 12
    Member
    2539 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2012

    Its so doable!! dont get discouraged! we had the same rules!!! Just make sure your doing it for the right reasons because it does get hard!

     

    Post # 13
    Member
    842 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I would never do a year.  I was thinking of maybe 1-2 weeks before, just to increase the anticipation a little before the wedding night and honeymoon.  But for me, it’s an important component of our relationship to feel that closeness.  I feel like we’d put ourselves in a really weird place (more like our former friendship) if we were to try this for a year.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1572 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @Adams_bee:That actually makes total sense. I can see if I did this and just said, okay we can only touch .. and then that would easily lead to oral sex “just this once”. I was wearing panties and a tank top or shirt in bed and so not in the mood (i was really uber sick and had the trash can by my bed) adn my partner admited that he was turned on. I was like, “HOW??? I just puked!” I think it’d be worse if we had been abstaining for a year and that was happening. I go to conferences a few times a year and even when its’ just a weekend, I feel liek it’s been forever and it’s super hot! Even if all we do is make out it’s so much better. At least with conferences there’s no temptation b/c he’s not there (although I do nab one of his shirts to sleep in, always!). 

    Post # 15
    Member
    9824 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    I think it’s great if people want to do this, but I don’t really see the point if you live together and were already sleeping together. It’s like why all the drama?! You were already having sex before, the jig is up! That ship has sailed! I’d maybe go a month or so before just to build anticipation for the honeymoon but that’s about it for me.

    Post # 16
    Member
    5093 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: January 2012

    @Adams_bee:  lol, thanks.  He agrees that it’s going to be worth it and is completely down for it, but, like me, he’s feeling very frustrated right now.  He keeps reminding me that it was my idea in the first place, but I keep telling him that it was his fault for thinking of it.  ๐Ÿ˜›

    We’ve cut out EVERYTHING (though we’ve been bad for several nights, excluding last, because we slept naked – though most of the time, we were too exhausted to do anything.  That’s ending now, though).  Like PP said, it’s too easy for one thing to lead to another.

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