(Closed) Abuse and Wanting to Change My Name

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper

@Marina27:  First of all, I am so sorry about your nightmare of an ex-husband and everything you’ve had to go through with him.
Next…I think renaming youself would be very, very healing.
Cliffnotes version of my story: I was born with my dad’s last name as my parents were married, but they divorced when I was three. He was in and out of my life, and he ended up doing some things that broke my heart and we had a huge falling out. Shortly thereafter, I changed my last name to my mom’s maiden name as she had done a year before me, and it was so…liberating. And healing. And beautiful. I’m married now, and part of me wishes that I still had my old new last name (lol) because it meant SO much to me. For me, it was worth its weight in gold as far as my mental health goes.
GL with everything! <3

Post # 4
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Oh gosh girl can I relate…

I wasn’t nearly as fortunate (or wise) as you tho, as I stayed in an abusive relationship with my ex for over 20 Years.

My best advice in regards to making major changes… hang on a bit longer.

Abusive men tend to be at their absolute worst when you leave them… not surprised therefore he is making your life now a living H3LL …

Since leaving, I have been beset by his continued verbal and emotional abuse–as well as by harassment from his friends, church, etc. He has stolen the money we kept together. He has threatened me–and also threatened the lawyer I hired to handle our now pending divorce.

Sooo, been there done that !!

While the Divorce proceeds you will be linked to him thru the court system… and well quite frankly there are too many people (besides him) who will be snooping thru your business.

Right now you need to get some counselling… check out the Local Women’s Abuse Programs… find a counsellor (psychiatrist or psychologist preferably trained in Domestic Violence / Abuse)

Also spend your time formulating a plan on what you’ll do when it all is over.

You need trustworthy people to lean on… perferably someone your Hubby doesn’t know (the Women’s Centre can help you with this aspect)

Plan your way out of this mess…

Really and truly out.  As in Change Your Name Legally, and Move far far away.  Leave no forwarding address.  Work with a Lawyer if you have to (not the one who handled the divorce) so that you can make Person # 1 and Person # 2 as seperate as possible… so that links between the two are not easily traced.  (Example cancel your credit cards, and then reapply after you have your NEW Name… in this way, the names & numbers won’t overlap be easily traceable)

Think of this project much like someone would who was going into Witness Protection.  Cut as many ties as you possibly can.  Reinvent yourself in a NEW life.  Be particularly mindful to keeping lots of distance between the You Now and the You Later.  Make following a trail difficult (live in DC, make changes in VA, and move to OR for example.  The further apart things are the better… road trips can be your friend !!).  As well, you don’t want anyone from your past who gives you away (either to your Ex in person, or by posting something accidently on the Internet… FaceBook is a DEMON).  Cut ties, start over… you can and will make NEW Friends etc.

Again, as I said, there is help out there for you… just reach out and find it.

Good Luck, and know that you are not alone… there are other women who have walked in your shoes (myself included)

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 5
Member
7693 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Marina27:  I am so sorry to hear of your past, but good for you for being strong and getting out.  I think it could be very healing to choose a new name.  Is there another name (family name?) that you would like to be called by?  A middle name, your mom’s middle name, a favorite aunt’s name, or grandmother’s name?  Or maybe Marina _______, keeping your first name as a middle name?  God bless you.

Post # 7
Member
8882 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

This makes me really sad for you. No woman should have to go through this.

Forgive me for asking, but why is this asshole NOT in jail? The physical abuse should have been enough for you to have him put him in jail. If it’s too late for that, the constant threats should be enough to press charges. Get his loser ass locked up.

@This Time Round:  This is some great advice πŸ™‚

Post # 9
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Oh my goodness.  You are such a strong, determined woman! And if changing your name will help you overcome the terrible abuse you endured at the hands of a monster, then do it! Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
605 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Brazil Room

@Marina27:  I also have PTSD but from a severely abusive childhood. I invented a new name when I was 14 and legally changed it at 19. It was the BEST THING I’ve ever done. It really helps me disassociate myself from my past and leave me free to build a future for myself. DO IT! You’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

The hardest part is teaching people you already know that you are your new name and not your old name. Some people will slip up and it will be jarring.. like being pricked with a needle. But they’re not doing it on purpose, they just need time to re-learn your name.

Post # 11
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Lyndzo:  you said,

Forgive me for asking, but why is this asshole NOT in jail? The physical abuse should have been enough for you to have him put him in jail. If it’s too late for that, the constant threats should be enough to press charges. Get his loser ass locked up.

For the record, your belief is one that sadly many people assume is what happens legally.

It isn’t.  There are sooo many types of abuse (Emotional – Sexual – Financial – Mental – and Physical).  They all leave scars and bruises … altho not all visual ones.

The courts have gotten better, particularly so if there is Physical Abuse (which is now handled as Assault)… but even then the onus on the Woman TO PROVE that what she said happened acutally did happen as she remembers / describes it (this can be difficult sometimes, if the woman has been beat down emotionally over the years… emotional abuse is horrible because it plays havoc with your mind / common sense / plays tricks on you etc)

As well… Abusive Men tend to be master manipulators.  So they quickly learn ways to “work the system” so that they can sustain their independence as long as possible… or delay Hearings & Trials.  And they also use things like putting forward Character References (a lot of these guys aren’t the low-life of society… they are actually well regarded otherwise in their community) – negotiating Anger Management Counselling – or volunteering to do Community Service etc

(My own Ex-H “made some ammends” by writing a HUGE Cheque to a Woman’s Shelter)

YES as the abused partner it clearly sucks watching all this go down. 

And oftentimes it proves difficult to get things like EFFECTIVE and MEANINGFUL restraining orders… Abusive Men use this to their advantage, skirting “the boundaries”… and finding other ways to intimidate / harass their former partners by manipulating the court system (Change of Plans – Missed Payments – Delay of Court Procedures) or doing stuff like sending emails, letters, harassing phone calls etc.  Or showing up at PUBLIC PLACES where they’ll know the partner will be at a particular day & time (Gym – Clubs – Social Groups etc)

The one thing a woman must do to PROVE HER POSITION is to keep copious notes (altho when you are highly stressed / scared and not functioning at 100%… sometimes not even 50% this can be difficult).  Which is why every Abused Woman truly needs a Support Team of friends or family members who can help her thru this stuff… there is sooo much paperwork to keep track of it is daunting (and NO LAWYER is your friend, or there to help you… they are there solely to present your case… whatever you provide them with… in court)

Having another set (or 2 or 3) of eyes & ears is sooo helpful in this process.  I strongly suggest that Abusive Women find a loved one who can make the commitment to go thru all this difficult maze with them… go to Lawyer Meetings, attend court etc.

We’ve certainly come a long way from the 1980s (when I first became an Abused Woman) when there was virtually NO SUPPORT for this not-talked about taboo topic that women found shameful… to now… some 30+ Years later… but honestly we have a long long way to go.

Hope this helps,

 

Post # 12
Member
1716 posts
Bumble bee

My abusive ex always called me by my nickname. People have called me Cat most of mylife. Untill then.

After that happend I reminded everyone to never call me cat again. Nicely obviously.

I can’t TELL YOU how much it helped me.

*hugs*

You’re a strong woman. Change your name if you want, but do not let that change your idenity. You are still the same person, better and stronger than ever. Keep true to YOURSELF whatever name you go by.

Post # 13
Member
6359 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m so sorry for whar you’ve been through.

Changing your name seems like a very creative and empowering thing to do. You can put your previous first name as a middle name, if you like that idea. But I’m sure your parents will understand. I know if something like this happened to my daughter my focus would be on her happiness and healing, not on keeping the name I chose for her.

Post # 15
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Marina27: I sent you a PM (in 2 parts) because it is rather long.  If you need someone to talk to, who truly understands the pure devastation this can cause in someone’s life, know that I am here.  (( HUGS )) 

I look at it as giving “a sister” a helping hand… pay it forward is my motto.  Hopefully, somewhere down the road say 5 or 10 years from now, you can do the same for someone else.

 

Post # 16
Member
2891 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Having lived thru the horror of an abusive marriage I understand. I think changing your name is a lovely idea. I am so happy you are out. Please take extreme care as you are now in the most dangerous phase. I will be praying for your speedy emotional/mental healing but be patient with yourself. These wounds heal at their own rate. There really is no rushing it. I am so proud of you for getting out! What an amazingly strong woman you are!

Oh I had a thought maybe you could include your parents in the renaming process! Discuss names with them the same way you would baby names!  I actually think it could be very fun. Look for joy in the little things as you go thru this difficult time. It will help you keep your sanity.

I am fervently praying for you. I know how hard all this is. It is always darkest before the dawn and I know God has amazing things ahead for you. Sorrow may last for a night (sometimes a long night} but joy does come in the morning. I never thought I would ever be truly whole again but I am a better more complete person today than I ever was.  {{Hugs}}

Love and prayers

Remember you are not alone.

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