(Closed) Abusive Past?

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

you are NOT alone!!!

A lot of us have been in unhealthy situations in the past 🙁 MrBee started a thread, it’s actually the first one under the “Related Posts” on this very page, and I was surprised at (and sad for) the number of women who have abusive relationships in our past.

Are you most afraid of your FH turning bad, or your relationship, or your own thought life? Have you talked to him about any of this stuff?

I know for me, one of the things that really drew me to J, who I’m with now, is how incredibly understanding he was about all the baggage I brought to our relationship. He is so patient with me when I deal with stuff, and so consistently loving… whenever I have a fear or doubt, I know I can go to him and tell him what I’m struggling with, and he always  reassures me, not just with words but with his actions.

(((Hugs))) You’re not alone; your FH and we, the Hive, are here to love on you!!

Post # 4
Member
3226 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hey hisswallow

I don’t suffer from PTSD, nor have had an abusive past, so I can’t relate.  However, I just want to let you know that its good to vent and talk it all out.  Have you seeked professional counseling?  Do you feel like you can talk to your partner about this?

It sounds like the man you’re with now is great, and hasn’t shown any signs of abuse. Hopefully your bad days have ended…all that is left is for you to resolve what has been done. Please do not keep it in…speak with someone!

Post # 5
Member
4381 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

I too have PTSD from a past abusive relationship. In the beginning of my relationship with my fiance, he didn’t really understand it. I couldn’t be held for too long or I would freak out. I couldn’t be playfully pinned down in any way. I’d freak out. I had a problem where I’d see flashes of the abusive ex during some encounters, also. I was a bit of a mess.

It has gotten better, but he also has learned that sometimes I can’t be hugged for very long, or horsed around with, etc. He is loving and patient, so after I explained it all to him he understood more.

I still startle really easily. (People have picked up on that and think it’s funny to walk behind me in stairwells and say “boo!” I’ll scream bloody-murder and about have a heart attack. I laugh it off, but it really and truly scares the crap out of me). I also still get randomly afraid that he (ex) will come back and  try to hurt me or us because we’re getting married.

Don’t worry. Just be patient with him and explain where you’re coming from.

Post # 7
Member
362 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I also have PTSD as a result of an abusive relationship and it is sometimes so severe that I will have flashbacks.  One of the first times I knew I wanted to marry Fiance, I had a flashback in front of him (so embarrassing).  Instead of freaking out, he held me and kept whispering in my ear “Phedre, it’s me Ronin – I love you, you’re safe, it’s okay” until it was over.

He is so kind and patient with me and understands when I am struggling.  I think that is because when I told him I had PTSD he wanted to know all about it and when I told him, he actually listened.  He gets it and is an active part of my recovery.

It’s okay and normal to be scared of relationships after being abused – you are violated by the person you are supposed to love and trust the most!  But not every man is like that and it sounds like your Fiance really loves you and is supportive which is an absolute blessing. 

And most definitely, you are not alone.

Post # 8
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Hisswallow – I have not personally gone through what you have, but I just want to encourage you to keep talking about it and being open with your Fiance about it… it sounds like you have found a winner from the way you describe him, and although I know therapy is very important, the people in our lives are theraputic as well. 

One other thing I wanted to throw in – don’t underestimate the power of animals! I work with abused horses, and often the people that connect best with hurting animals are those who have been hurt themselves. Sometimes finding something new to invest yourself in is worth it, and really legitimizes your feelings. 

Post # 9
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I am so sorry to hear about all of your stories.  This is far too common.  I had an ex who left me with a very very bad perception of men for a very long time.  I don’t think I realized how damaged (and scared) I was of men until I met Fiance and had to confront some of that.  Other people knew, but I couldn’t even listen to what they were trying to tell me.  When I met Fiance it was very difficult for me to trust that he really was a good guy because a) we’re living in a culture where domestic violence is far more acceptable than my own cultural background (and unlike me, Fiance witnessed DV during his entire childhood) and b) visiting prostitutes is not only NOT considered cheating, but sometimes encouraged and paid for by your boss.  It took a very long time for Fiance to prove to me through his daily behaviour that he was in fact not the evil man I expected him to be.  And my suspicions and fear of what I thought he was underneath the good guy I knew almost destroyed our relationship on many occasions.  I am truely grateful that in every way since meeting Fiance I have become a healthier person.  Because for a while there…not so good. 

Post # 10
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

and hisswallow…on a happier note I just realized you are in Ontario where my hometown is.  hugs to a fellow Ontarian^^

Post # 11
Member
296 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

I had a very abusive relationship about 7 years ago, and yes it still haunts me.  I have dreams where my current Fiance all of the sudden turns into my ex.  Just last night, I had a dream where I was talking to Fiance on the phone and all of the sudden it was my ex’s voice saying horrible things.

My Fiance is wonderful, and I am trying to let go of the past. Sometimes I expect Fiance to get mad at me for something the ex would freak out about like going out with my friends. Fi doesn’t and am like what you are ok with it? When Fiance and I have disagreements we just talk about it, there is no WWIII. I keep on expecting the sceaming the torment the words everything and it doesn’t come.  I am still getting used it after all this time.  I wish so badly I could just erase that bad chapter in my life and delete the darkness I had felt.  I wonder sometimes if a therapist would help me erase those memories and the dreams.  

You are definitely not alone, and my prayers are with you and that we may put what we once went through in the past where it belongs

Post # 13
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee

I am on this post as a Mother of the Bride but I can really relate to this one. When I met my husband it was after a horrible marriage and everything scared me. He had to learn not to yell or make loud noises. We have been together 19 years…it’s a joy. You can get over it with an understanding partner. 

Post # 14
Member
4381 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - Ceremony - First United Methodist Church; Reception - My parents' house!

@kazoochair- Thanks for the reassurance. 🙂 My fiance is so sweet, and is the same way. He has never raised his voice, ever, and he’s very sweet in the trying-not-to-startle-me department. Now if we could only teach the cat not to startle me!

 

Much love and hugs to everyone who shared their stories. Even though they’re all terrible, it helps knowing you’re not alone.

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