(Closed) Accepting Help for the Wedding

posted 5 years ago in Money
Post # 2
Member
7418 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

When you’re an adult and you’re used to looking after yourself, it definitely feels weird to have someone offer to give you a large chunk of money, especially if it is for a luxury item like a wedding. Be glad that it makes you feel weird and uncomfortable. It means your parents raised you right, and you don’t have a sense of entitlement and you’re not spoiled.  And be proud of your fi, because if he was a jerk, she wouldn’t be making such a generous offer. 

That said, if you choose to accept her generous gift, make sure everyone sits down first and has a very clear understanding of how much she would like to give you, what it is to be used for, and what (if anything) it “buys” her (i.e. does she get a certain number of guest spaces to invite her friends, etc).  There is no right agreement that works for everyone, and really the only thing that matters is that you all agree. 

Perhaps you would also feel better if you and your fi set aside a small amount of money every paycheck and save up towards sending his mother on a dream vacation for some milestone celebration in the future (retirement, 60th birthday, whatever).  It would be great if you can repay her generosity somewhere down the line, and planning to do that might help make it easier for you to graciously accept her gift.

Post # 4
Member
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

The only thing I’d be aware of, is if there are “string attached”. My mother has offered to give us some money towards our wedding to help us out, but then she started offering her opinions as more of a decision, and then justified it by pointing out that if she was helping to pay, then she gets some say.

I promptly told her that while we appreciated her gift, we would accept it only as a gift, and that we would not accept her money if she intended to make decisions for us.

Beyond that – she obviously supports you two and wants you both to be happy 🙂 Weddings are often an opportunity for family to help each other out. Embrace the love!

Post # 5
Member
719 posts
Busy bee

I think this is something only you can decide.

It’s not uncommon for parents to want to gift money toward a child’s wedding in the same way that parents typically pay for education.

However, what type of person is your MIL?  What type of relationship do you and your Fiance have with her?  What are the reasons for her offer, are they sincere, or is offering to pay a way to manipulate you into behaving a certain way or a way for her to assert control?

Post # 6
Member
12316 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

If you think the offer from FI’s mom is coming from a good place, and she can afford to help, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with accepting her offer  gratefully. While it’s great that you  realize that the  ultimate obligation is yours, that doesn’t mean that parents can’t  be motivated by love and a genuine desire to do things for their adult children. 

Post # 7
Member
1325 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2015 - Mount Hermon

elyseDCB:  I don’t know what your family culture is like.

My parents are paying for the bulk of our wedding, my grandparents for the photographer (a not insignificant chunk) and Future In-Laws for a portion.

However, none of them have insisted on things being a certain way.  My mom, while a bit judgemental, doesn’t care.  So, while she sneers a little bit when I order things like a thank you banner and hand painted toasting flutes, she still reimburses me for them.  I’m okay with that.  Still wish she wouln’t, but it could be worse.

It really comes down to what other PPs have said: will there be strings?  Do you have to invite people you dislike or have never met?  Will she insist on decor, food, style, or attire?  Or, worse, will she use this as an indefinite IOU for as long as she pleases?  If not, then accept the gift with grace and appreciate her generosity.  If she will, then say thank you but no thank you.  No amount of money is worth the stress that it would cause you.

Post # 8
Member
469 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

elyseDCB:  I agree with these other ladies.  We had some family help us out, but we got the money as gifts.  Now, my Mother-In-Law was gifting us money, however we got lucky that she told us exactly what she wanted to pay for (things generally the grooms parents would pay for traditionally).

Post # 9
Member
1288 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

 

elyseDCB:  I felt the same way when we got engaged. My mom said that they would be paying for everything. I told them how badly I felt and her response was “when we decided to have kids, we knew someday you’d get married and we’ve been prepared to pay for it”. That did make me feel alot better. FI’s parents also gave us cash to pay for it. I felt bad accepting but they insisted and honestly, its helping alot.

They all told us that they didn’t want us to worry about it, and have everything how we wanted. This way after the wedding, we can focus on what we want to do and not worry about paying things off. (pretty sure thats a hint from Future Mother-In-Law to have kids right away)

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