(Closed) Accidentally dropped the atomic bomb on my relationship…help?

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@Bigfatbummer:  he should at least be honest about his intentions. If he doesn’t want to get married, he should tell you. I think it’s time to have a discussion, explain your intentions with that letter, and what your plans are. He’s already wondering, you may as well let him know.

You deserve to have a conversation where your thoughts and feelings don’t get shot down. You have a right to say how you feel and be heard. If he can’t at least give you that, then I think you have your answer.

I’m sorry you’re having such a rough time, I hope it all works out for the best.

Post # 4
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@Bigfatbummer:  I have to be honest and say that based on what you just wrote, I do not believe that you are ready for marriage. You should be able to honestly share your feelings with SO without feeling the need to get utterly wasted and pick nasty fights. He is not without blame here,  but I am gonna go out on a limb and say that your behaviour is probably a big part of the reason he has not proposed, and if it keeps on like this I don’t see it happening any time soon. 

 

 

 

 

 

Post # 5
Member
24 posts
Newbee

I think you’ll have to choose between this guy and getting married and it sounds like you have already chosen. If marriage is more important to you than being with him, it’s unfair to both of you if you don’t end it. The way he reacts when you mention it, it really sounds like he is not interested in getting married within the next 5 years or maybe ever.

 

Post # 6
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well how did you think he would react to finding a letter like that? No talk and to him no indication that it was even coming. i can see why he acted the way he did and I actually think you are lucky that he didn’t literally walk.

I think what you need to do is apologise to him about the letter and how he got to read it. Then you need to be honest with him that the realtionship isn’t working for you and that you (as in the OP) need to break up with him and find someone that shares you values and goals.

Please don’t issue threats (such as you have 6months) or demands or try to make you Fiance feel bad. No one is right or wrong in situations like this, you just obviously have different goals and values.

Post # 7
Member
2168 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@j_jaye:  +1. You definitely owe him an apology for the letter and the way he found it, and I’m guessing another big fat one for whatever horrible things you say you said to him in the last fight. You are lucky he didnt walk. I think this whole unfortunate debacle will end up post phoning any proposal from him…possibly indefinitely. 

Post # 9
Member
2261 posts
Buzzing bee

@sillysillybee and @j_jaye:  +1 (or +2, I think… XD)

I agree that I don’t think either of you are ready for marriage. I know it’s hard to see everyone around you getting married, but what other people do should never influence what is right for your relationship. Neither of you seems ready to deal with what comes after the wedding itself, i.e. the marriage. Right now you two seem a little toxic. Both of you need to sit down and be honest with each other and yourselves about what you really want and if you’re going to find that with one another.

Post # 10
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think the problem was how he found the letter. Other than that I know you said nasty things to him, but if you really truely tried to talk to him about getting married several times in a calm manor, and he resonded with not wanting to talk about it multiple times and grot angrey.  Then I don’t think you should be blamed entiry for having a meltdown. This whole thing could have been avoided if he had been more open and honest.  If anyone couldnt talk to their SO about it and all their friends are getting engaged, then I think most people would have a F***ing freak out at some point! You can’t keep all that stuff bottled up.  

to be honest I don’t know why people are giving you negetive feedback, when the women who posted the walk letter got nothing but praise for her bravery.  You were trying to do the same thing, and then the poo hit the fan. 

Post # 11
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Bigfatbummer:  And as I said if the relationship as it is isn’t meeting your needs then you need to leave. Forcing him to make a decision he is not ready for or doesn’t want is unfair to you and to him. He sounds like he is currently happy but you however are not. This is your issue and you need to deal with it.

He has read the letter saying how you feel. You need to apologise about the letter and how he found it, talk about how you feel whilst not talking about him or making accusations at him and then let him say his piece. If you pressure him or make ultimatiums then in the long run it wont work. Either he will resent you for making him make a decision he wasn’t ready to make or you will wonder if he only asked because you made him.

 

Post # 12
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@Minirayray:  To be fair the other poster had discussed her timeline with her partner. She didn’t just drop something like that on him out of the blue.

Besides which personally I don’t think it is a brave thing at all. In fact I think it is a selfish thing. I think if your realtionship isn’t working for you then you need to leave. I personally think writing a letter is a cowards way out and a grown and mature adult should be adult about something like this and talk to their partner.

Post # 13
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@j_jaye: some people have a hard time time speaking about how they feel, I write things sometimes because it really is the only way I can get what I’m trying to say out.  By the way she didn’t give him that letter, he found it. 

You keep saying communication is important and that you need to talk to your partner, but if that other person doesnt want to talk or listen, then who are you to blame them for writing a letter. 

And on that note im done for the night. Theres more productive things I could be doing with my time then wasting it arguing on wedding bee.

Post # 14
Member
1008 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

Wow…. could the poster have handled things differently, probably yes.

BUT… I don’t know why you are bieng hard on her. Is 24 a little young for an ultimatum, yes, but they have been together for a while, we dont personally know their relationship and and she said, he wasn’t meant to find the letter.

I think that if she was 34 you would all have a different reaction….. being 32 i am SO feaking glad that I didnt marry my Boyfriend or Best Friend at 24 BUT you know nothing about this couple other than what was said. If he spoke about an engagement at some point and then stopped… it isn’t fair and she should be able to discuss it with him. If he found a letter … than good, he knows she was just venting her feelings and now he knows how she feels.

If they work out then great, if they dont than they both have plenty of time to find someone else……

To the poster…. share your feelings. If it doesn’t work out the way you want it to, it will SUCK….. but I promise you, you will get over it and you will meet someone and you will not regret the things you learned from your current relationship.

Post # 15
Member
1105 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

If marriage is that important to you and your feel like your partner isn’t wanting to marry you or at least compromise (get engaged/buy a house etc), after several years of being together then it’s definately time to walk, in my opinion. 

My ex and I were together for three years before I threw the biggest tantrum yet of not yet being engaged and so we went ring shopping, got engaged and a few months later I found out that the best part of our relationship was spent with him cheating on me. So I say, if he isn’t wanting to marry you (or even think seriously about it) after 3 years then he’s not really that committed to you. 

You are only 24, maybe it’s time for a change and to think about YOU for awhile. Maybe organise an overseas trip without him. Maybe just drop the whole wedding thing, apologise, be really nice for a few months… then go overseas for a month by yourself… that should freak him out and shake him up 🙂

Post # 16
Hostess
3572 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly, I don’t think this sounds like a great match. Neither of you are treating the other one fairly. It’s not ok for him to change plans at the last moment, act sulky, etc. It’s also not even remotely acceptable to for you to get drunk and say cruel things to him. I’m not even going to touch the fact that you got so drunk someone had to drive you home (good job not driving though!) and that you passed out in the shower. You literally could have died. 

You’re both going quid pro quo and passive aggressively. I’m going to go out on a limb here, and if he said he wasn’t really feeling Valentines day this year (a la “go do what you want”) spending 3 hours making him a card just sounds like you were setting yourself up/giving yourself a reason to blow up when he didn’t reciprocate. 

I’m sorry to sound harsh, but these are not the actions of a couple who wants to and is prepared to be married forever. 

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